Why write when someone's already written the lyrics to the song in my soul?

Every single day it's the same old thing
Wake up every morning do the same routine
Paint my nails and get my hair to curl
Lord it's hard being a girl
I love getting all dressed up to the nines
But sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Somethin' bout old blue jeans and a baseball cap
Fellas I get it and I admit it
It just don't get any better than that
Chicken wings, NASCAR, and football on Monday nights
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

I like to put my hair up in a ponytail
Climb up in a pickup and raise some hell
Have a four-wheelin mud boggin' real good time
Then go home and play poker all night long
I still love chick flicks and a real good cry
But sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Somethin' bout old blue jeans and a baseball cap
Fellas I get it and I admit it
It just don't get any better than that
Chicken wings, NASCAR, and football on Monday nights
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Somethin' bout old blue jeans and a baseball cap
Fellas I get it and I admit it
It just don't get any better than that
Chicken wings, NASCAR, and football on Monday nights
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Right here waiting,
Staying strong,
Come and fall into me,

Verse 1
You say you've turned it off,
Hid your heart up on a shelf,
Scared of what it might cost,
To take it down for someone else,
'Cause lovin him you lost,
Too much of yourself,
Baby can't you see that he's not me,

Chorus
And I need you to know you can fall into me,
That my arms are wide open,
And will always be,
Right here waiting, staying strong,
Come and fall into me,

Verse 2
I'll follow any road, anywhere to get to you,
I'll open up my soul,
If that's what you need me to do,
Now baby it's your move,
All you've got to do,
Is believe in love, just believe in us,

Chorus
And I need you to know you can fall into me,
That my arms are wide open,
And will always be,
Right here waiting, staying strong,
Come and fall into me,

Just believe in love
Just believe in us
Baby....

I need you to know you can fall into me
That my arms are wide open
And will always be
Right here waiting, staying strong
Come and fall into me

Come and fall into me
Baby fall into me

I thought last year was bad. Thought my life couldn't go further down. Life proved me wrong. Touche, life. Thanks a lot. Not.

::EDIT::
Remember the children's book 'Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?' Yeah, I'm thinking about writing one as an autobiography. 'Tiffany and the Sucky, Pointless, Stupid, Very Unlucky Life.' I think it'll be a smash hit.

A Few Things..

I have a few public service announcements that I would just like to throw out there for the good of the order:

1. Don't run your mouth about things you don't know about. If you don't know the facts or the whole story, shut up. Or at least express the fact that you don't know the whole truth. I'm sick of all the "he said, she said" crap and the messed up game of telephone. Yes, you're entitled to your opinion, but that doesn't mean you also get to make up the story.

2. I live my life for me. I will hang out with whomever I want. I will be friends with people who make me happy and whose company I enjoy.

3. Grow up. In general. There's way too much high school nonsense and general immaturity flying around right now. We're adults, can we please act like it?

4. Hiding behind lies and anonymity is immature and stupid. Especially when you're talking about things you know nothing about. Don't tell me to man up or accuse me of lying when you can't do the same.

5. Hypocrisy. I hate it. Just stop. Next time you start talking shit, spreading information, sending someone a message, take a step back first. You're probably guilty of all the same things, if not more. So get off your high horse and your soapbox and just shut your mouth. Or stick your foot in it, whatever.

Ok. That's all I have for right now. Peace.

T

Starting Over

So, I've been looking at grad schools, and I've narrowed it down to 3, I think. Northwestern, University of Illinois, and Penn State. In addition to going to a new city and school, I'll also be getting my own apartment, which I'm very excited about. I can't wait to have my own space that I can decorate and furnish. I've been looking around each of the schools for places and I have mixed feelings about everything. I want a one bedroom apartment, preferably with a living room and a kitchen big enough for a table and chairs or a dinging room. I don't want an efficiency because I want to be able to have space for people to come and visit me. And I like having my bedroom be my own private space. Living alone is expensive, but I don't want to find a random roommate, and I don't know if I'll be able to find a friend or acquaintance wherever I am. And even if I did, I kind of want to be able to do everything how I want for once haha. Another thing I really want is a nice kitchen. Something modern with lots of counterspace and a nice oven would be ideal. That way I can cook and bake a lot! I don't know how I'm going to afford it though. I'll be working, but I'll also be going to school. Luckily, I can finish my master's in a year or two going full-time or part-time, so at least I won't be paying for school for too long. Anyway, I've also started thinking about everything I'll need to furnish my own apartment. Number one on my list is finding a good sofa-bed. That way when people come visit I'll have someplace for them to sleep! I really don't want to buy one new, but the chances of finding a used one in good condition for a good price (or free? haha) are pretty slim. There's a really cool one at IKEA (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20126094)that I want SO bad, but there's no way I'll be able to afford it. :( So anyway, I'm going to start accumulating those things in the next year or so, I guess. Or at least alerting people to the fact that I'll need the stuff so they can keep their eyes open! I guess that's all I wanted to write about today. I just got really excited thinking about having my own place and needed to spill it all! :) I'm out for now.

Happily planning,
T

Since When?

I think it's so crazy how much we can grow and change in such a short period of time. Or how fast time flies. I feel like just yesterday I was a high schooler, my hair up in a ponytail, braided, and held back with an Adidas headband and clinging to my bubble world in northwest Ohio. Now I'm a 21-year-old college senior (whoa) who can properly use a hair straightener and lives in a big city with 4 roommates. I've been on emotional highs and I've been in the pits of depression. I've loved life and hated life, I've been heartbroken and I've been content. I've had ups and downs and I've learned who I am and who I want to be.

In the last year, my life has gone nuts. In the fall I was in a pretty deep depression, got really sick, and spent my days hating life and crying myself to sleep. I dated, and I was happy. Something went wrong, and I was lost. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong, because I knew it had to be my fault. In the winter, I stayed stagnant. I was happy sometimes, but other times life just seemed to be pointless. (Not like "I'm suicidal" pointless, just like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing.) Then spring quarter I was really happy. I had my best friends around me supporting me and I realized that everything that had happened in the fall wasn't my fault. I got an apology and I gained some friendships back, and I was happy. Right now, I'm just confused. I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I think I'm okay with it. For now, at least.

The other thing that happened this year was that all of a sudden guys started telling me that they were attracted to me. I still don't know how to respond to this situation because I just don't understand it. I don't see myself as being attractive, I guess. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm definitely no model. And as far as personality goes, I'm very much "one of the guys" a lot of the time. This sometimes bothers me, simply because I do like to be appreciated for being a girl once in a while, but usually I'm okay with it. I'm proud of who I am. But I don't understand why all of a sudden guys are attracted to me? All through high school and my first couple years of college I was very much single and no guys ever really asked me out or anything. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! mass guys. And I don't know how to react because I've never been in this situation before. I'm so afraid that saying one thing to one guy means I'll miss out on something with another. Or that I'll put a guy in the friend zone only to realize later that I do see him as more than a friend, but he's already moved on. Or that the guy I pursue doesn't feel the same about me or chooses another girl instead. I try not to count anything or anyone out in my life unless I have a legitimate reason, but it's getting really hard. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel like I'm just shutting them down. Me saying that I really don't know who or what I want right now isn't a cop out, it's me being way too confused and overwhelmed. I need some time to think, to let my head and my heart get on the same page, before I make any decisions. I know what my head is saying, but my heart is just going crazy with different emotions. If I can't get my own emotions and thoughts in order, how can I expect any guy to put up with that? Add on to all of that the fact that I'm a super complex person and also really ADHD and it's just a bad situation. I really just don't know what to do right now or what to say to people. I'm kind of at a loss.

I spend a lot of my blogs talking about relationship issues, I realized today as I was reading over some of them. Part of that is because I'm a 21-year-old single female, but I think the other part of it is because a lot of other stuff that I write in my journal isn't really appropriate to put all over the internet. I have enough to deal with right now with people in real life, let alone on cyberspace. I don't need to give people a reason to start stuff, especially when it's not the whole world's business. So I guess what I'm getting at is that it sort of looks like I'm obsessed with relationships, which might be true (shut up, I'm a girl. I like romance haha) but I also only update every couple months, so it's spread out. That makes it okay, right? Haha.

Alright, that's all I want to type right now. Maybe more later? I have more time to blog in the summer. Woo! Maybe I can update more often. We'll see. For now, I'm out.

In confusion,
T

No, But Thanks

Today it hit me how much money I have spent on doctors and medicines in the past year. I've seen an orthopedic doctor for my knee, hip and back several times. I've spent hundreds on co-pays and prescriptions and none of it worked. I got two types of the flu in the fall and had two doctor visits plus prescriptions to pay for. In the spring I saw a doctor for the intense pain in my chest and my migraines. I spent more money on prescriptions, and found out nothing. This is getting ridiculous. If I'm spending this much money on this crap, I should be finding answers.

I talked to my dad about my frustration and he gave me the worst advice ever: give up soccer. Never. I will NEVER give up soccer. I won't give it up because in this massively insane world, soccer is the one thing I'm good at. I know soccer. Soccer makes sense to me. I'm a good player and the soccer field is the one place in the world where I feel completely comfortable. I can just be me because I know it so well. I belong there. There really isn't anything else in this world that makes me feel like that. If I couldn't play soccer, I would have no release. I would have nothing to be good at. I need it. Thanks for the horrible advice, Dad. That just made me more upset.

I wish my body didn't hate me. I'm 21, not 50. It sucks that I've already had to give up a lot because my stupid body can't handle it. And honestly, I'm not going to give up the things that I love and the stuff that makes me who I am just because my stupid limbs and joints don't work right. I'll live. Who needs ligaments and cartilage anyway? Ha.

Life is crazy right now. I have a lot going on and a lot of stuff that's frustrating me that I'm not going to put in a public blog because it's really not the entire world's business. That's all I have for now. Probably more soon.

T