A Few Things..

I have a few public service announcements that I would just like to throw out there for the good of the order:

1. Don't run your mouth about things you don't know about. If you don't know the facts or the whole story, shut up. Or at least express the fact that you don't know the whole truth. I'm sick of all the "he said, she said" crap and the messed up game of telephone. Yes, you're entitled to your opinion, but that doesn't mean you also get to make up the story.

2. I live my life for me. I will hang out with whomever I want. I will be friends with people who make me happy and whose company I enjoy.

3. Grow up. In general. There's way too much high school nonsense and general immaturity flying around right now. We're adults, can we please act like it?

4. Hiding behind lies and anonymity is immature and stupid. Especially when you're talking about things you know nothing about. Don't tell me to man up or accuse me of lying when you can't do the same.

5. Hypocrisy. I hate it. Just stop. Next time you start talking shit, spreading information, sending someone a message, take a step back first. You're probably guilty of all the same things, if not more. So get off your high horse and your soapbox and just shut your mouth. Or stick your foot in it, whatever.

Ok. That's all I have for right now. Peace.

T

Starting Over

So, I've been looking at grad schools, and I've narrowed it down to 3, I think. Northwestern, University of Illinois, and Penn State. In addition to going to a new city and school, I'll also be getting my own apartment, which I'm very excited about. I can't wait to have my own space that I can decorate and furnish. I've been looking around each of the schools for places and I have mixed feelings about everything. I want a one bedroom apartment, preferably with a living room and a kitchen big enough for a table and chairs or a dinging room. I don't want an efficiency because I want to be able to have space for people to come and visit me. And I like having my bedroom be my own private space. Living alone is expensive, but I don't want to find a random roommate, and I don't know if I'll be able to find a friend or acquaintance wherever I am. And even if I did, I kind of want to be able to do everything how I want for once haha. Another thing I really want is a nice kitchen. Something modern with lots of counterspace and a nice oven would be ideal. That way I can cook and bake a lot! I don't know how I'm going to afford it though. I'll be working, but I'll also be going to school. Luckily, I can finish my master's in a year or two going full-time or part-time, so at least I won't be paying for school for too long. Anyway, I've also started thinking about everything I'll need to furnish my own apartment. Number one on my list is finding a good sofa-bed. That way when people come visit I'll have someplace for them to sleep! I really don't want to buy one new, but the chances of finding a used one in good condition for a good price (or free? haha) are pretty slim. There's a really cool one at IKEA (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20126094)that I want SO bad, but there's no way I'll be able to afford it. :( So anyway, I'm going to start accumulating those things in the next year or so, I guess. Or at least alerting people to the fact that I'll need the stuff so they can keep their eyes open! I guess that's all I wanted to write about today. I just got really excited thinking about having my own place and needed to spill it all! :) I'm out for now.

Happily planning,
T

Since When?

I think it's so crazy how much we can grow and change in such a short period of time. Or how fast time flies. I feel like just yesterday I was a high schooler, my hair up in a ponytail, braided, and held back with an Adidas headband and clinging to my bubble world in northwest Ohio. Now I'm a 21-year-old college senior (whoa) who can properly use a hair straightener and lives in a big city with 4 roommates. I've been on emotional highs and I've been in the pits of depression. I've loved life and hated life, I've been heartbroken and I've been content. I've had ups and downs and I've learned who I am and who I want to be.

In the last year, my life has gone nuts. In the fall I was in a pretty deep depression, got really sick, and spent my days hating life and crying myself to sleep. I dated, and I was happy. Something went wrong, and I was lost. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong, because I knew it had to be my fault. In the winter, I stayed stagnant. I was happy sometimes, but other times life just seemed to be pointless. (Not like "I'm suicidal" pointless, just like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing.) Then spring quarter I was really happy. I had my best friends around me supporting me and I realized that everything that had happened in the fall wasn't my fault. I got an apology and I gained some friendships back, and I was happy. Right now, I'm just confused. I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I think I'm okay with it. For now, at least.

The other thing that happened this year was that all of a sudden guys started telling me that they were attracted to me. I still don't know how to respond to this situation because I just don't understand it. I don't see myself as being attractive, I guess. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm definitely no model. And as far as personality goes, I'm very much "one of the guys" a lot of the time. This sometimes bothers me, simply because I do like to be appreciated for being a girl once in a while, but usually I'm okay with it. I'm proud of who I am. But I don't understand why all of a sudden guys are attracted to me? All through high school and my first couple years of college I was very much single and no guys ever really asked me out or anything. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! mass guys. And I don't know how to react because I've never been in this situation before. I'm so afraid that saying one thing to one guy means I'll miss out on something with another. Or that I'll put a guy in the friend zone only to realize later that I do see him as more than a friend, but he's already moved on. Or that the guy I pursue doesn't feel the same about me or chooses another girl instead. I try not to count anything or anyone out in my life unless I have a legitimate reason, but it's getting really hard. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel like I'm just shutting them down. Me saying that I really don't know who or what I want right now isn't a cop out, it's me being way too confused and overwhelmed. I need some time to think, to let my head and my heart get on the same page, before I make any decisions. I know what my head is saying, but my heart is just going crazy with different emotions. If I can't get my own emotions and thoughts in order, how can I expect any guy to put up with that? Add on to all of that the fact that I'm a super complex person and also really ADHD and it's just a bad situation. I really just don't know what to do right now or what to say to people. I'm kind of at a loss.

I spend a lot of my blogs talking about relationship issues, I realized today as I was reading over some of them. Part of that is because I'm a 21-year-old single female, but I think the other part of it is because a lot of other stuff that I write in my journal isn't really appropriate to put all over the internet. I have enough to deal with right now with people in real life, let alone on cyberspace. I don't need to give people a reason to start stuff, especially when it's not the whole world's business. So I guess what I'm getting at is that it sort of looks like I'm obsessed with relationships, which might be true (shut up, I'm a girl. I like romance haha) but I also only update every couple months, so it's spread out. That makes it okay, right? Haha.

Alright, that's all I want to type right now. Maybe more later? I have more time to blog in the summer. Woo! Maybe I can update more often. We'll see. For now, I'm out.

In confusion,
T

No, But Thanks

Today it hit me how much money I have spent on doctors and medicines in the past year. I've seen an orthopedic doctor for my knee, hip and back several times. I've spent hundreds on co-pays and prescriptions and none of it worked. I got two types of the flu in the fall and had two doctor visits plus prescriptions to pay for. In the spring I saw a doctor for the intense pain in my chest and my migraines. I spent more money on prescriptions, and found out nothing. This is getting ridiculous. If I'm spending this much money on this crap, I should be finding answers.

I talked to my dad about my frustration and he gave me the worst advice ever: give up soccer. Never. I will NEVER give up soccer. I won't give it up because in this massively insane world, soccer is the one thing I'm good at. I know soccer. Soccer makes sense to me. I'm a good player and the soccer field is the one place in the world where I feel completely comfortable. I can just be me because I know it so well. I belong there. There really isn't anything else in this world that makes me feel like that. If I couldn't play soccer, I would have no release. I would have nothing to be good at. I need it. Thanks for the horrible advice, Dad. That just made me more upset.

I wish my body didn't hate me. I'm 21, not 50. It sucks that I've already had to give up a lot because my stupid body can't handle it. And honestly, I'm not going to give up the things that I love and the stuff that makes me who I am just because my stupid limbs and joints don't work right. I'll live. Who needs ligaments and cartilage anyway? Ha.

Life is crazy right now. I have a lot going on and a lot of stuff that's frustrating me that I'm not going to put in a public blog because it's really not the entire world's business. That's all I have for now. Probably more soon.

T

Who Do I Want To Be?

As I was sitting here on my bed, procrastinating as usual, something occurred to me. I was thinking about the fact that even my procrastinating friends are more productive than me, and I hate this about myself. I really need to get myself in gear after this year and turn my academics around. And I have no problem doing work, so why do I have such a hard time actually doing stuff for school? I was thinking about one of my friends and how she gets a ton of work done, but still goes out and does a lot of other stuff. Then it hit me: she actually enjoys the work she's doing. I hate my major and my minor, but I feel like I'm stuck in them because I'm really close to being done with them. But that's the difference! These people are happy with their majors, they are doing something that they want to do in the future, so they don't have as hard of a time doing the work.

Now I guess I have to make a decision. Do I stay where I am and stick to my current plan about grad school? Do I stay an extra year or so and double major in something I actually want to do? Do I just switch majors altogether?

The third option would be the most pointless. I'm already almost done with my current major, so I might as well try to finish it out. The first option isn't getting me anywhere, and has been my plan for about a year. So, logically, I think my best option is number two. And I don't have a problem with that. But I don't know how I'm going to pay for those extra years of school. I can't afford it now as it is, let alone extra time. But I really think that's what I need to do. I just don't know how to tell my parents that either. I've been putting on this facade to them for a while, pretending I like my major and whatnot. But if anyone can understand, it will be my dad. He was a RELIGION major in college (yeah, for real) and is now a regional safety manager for a transportation company. So I think he will get it. Especially if I pull some tears and the daddy's-little-girl face. Gets him every time haha.

So anyway, I guess that's what's been on my mind today. I'm nervous and scared, but I think I really need a change. We'll see, I guess. I mean, this is the rest of my life I'm talking about, so I think making the right decision is important, right?

In thought,
T

And Here Comes the Religion Speech..

So, I've been thinking a lot about religion lately, partially because my brother started a conversation about it with me and partially because it's just been on my mind a lot.

I am a Christian. I was raised this way and once I got to be old enough, I accepted the Christian way of life. I believe in God and I worship that God. What makes a Christian? To me, Christianity is the acceptance of God as my savior and the belief that Jesus led a sinless life but died to wash my sins away. I believe that I should not only repent my sins, but actually understand the repentance. Just because God forgives our sins when we ask doesn't give us free rein to commit sin. We are imperfect and human, but we are still expected to do whatever is in our power to live a Godly lifestyle, as we were created in his image. I think that prayer, forgiveness, reading my Bible, and going to church are important parts of Christianity, but I don't think that doing any of those things necessarily makes you a Christian.

It bothers me that so many Christians are so quick to condemn others and elevate themselves. So many Christians talk down to non-believers and make Christianity be so exclusive. To me, part of being a Christian is the ability to understand that some people don't believe the same as you. While I would love it if all my friends shared my beliefs, I don't think anything good will come of telling them that they are wrong, that they are going to hell. So many Christians turn people off to religion because they are so quick to tear them down or judge them. We all struggle, some more than others, and it isn't Christian-like to make others feel as though they are inferior to you. I am a Christian, but a lot of Christians look down on me because I have 13 piercings and 2 tattoos. I curse a lot, but only because I feel that people let words mean way too much to them and it's irritating that people let words offend them so much. But those things don't define me in my religion. We say don't judge a book by it's cover, but so many people do.

I don't know, I just get annoyed. I can be a Christian and I can be fun. It is possible to do both. I am morally strong in my beliefs and I don't compromise them. As much as I may seem like a cynical, crass person sometimes, I stick to my guns. I believe in abstinence until marriage, and I'm holding myself to that. I believe in courting, not just making out, hooking up, or dating for the sake of dating. You date with intent to marry, which always sounds so crazy, but we enter relationships to see if we could spend the rest of our lives together, not just so we can have someone to mess around with then part ways with.

So..that's my thoughts for today. I'm going to try to post more often, because I think it's helpful to get this stuff out of my head. Hopefully I can stick to it.

More later,
T

Who Are You Here For?

I just got back from a 2 week mini-vacation and it was awesome. I went home to Findlay for 2 days for a very good family friend's baby shower and it was great to be home for the first time since December. From there I drove to Chicago where I stayed with one of my best friends for 4 days and also got to stay with my cousin, her husband and her baby girl. That was absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed. From Chicago, I drove to Cincinnati, did laundry, repacked, and left 3 hours later for Destin with one of my other best friends! After a week in Destin and a stop in Birmingham on the way home, I finally got back to Cincinnati to stay yesterday. It was a whirlwind but I miss it all.

I'm very close to my parents and it's always been kind of hard for me to be away from them. I get really homesick but it's also really hard for me to leave Cincinnati. I finally found myself at UC and started having a hard time leaving to go home. So I get really torn..do I want to be here or there more? I feel like I miss out so much when I leave Cincinnati, but I also feel so much more relaxed at home. It was nice to be in Findlay and not really miss much. I got to enjoy myself and not worry too much.

Chicago was amazing. I loved it and I miss it so much. I felt so at home there. I fell in love with the city and the outskirts of the city where my cousin and best friend live. I liked taking the train and the buses, and walking all around the city. It was wonderful. It really got me thinking about the future..grad school, graduation, the real world..I think I'm ready for it. I'm still scared to death and I still kind of don't want to graduate because all my friends will still be here, but I think I can do it at least. And it was so, so good seeing my friend again. I miss him. I miss having him here to keep me in check and make me understand things.

Destin was also good. What's better than a spring break road trip to Florida with your best friend? Not much. Even though we didn't have the greatest weather, we made our own fun. We had a good time, were spontaneous, made some new friends, and hardly stopped laughing. I told her I'd never seen her laugh and smile so much, and I'm glad I could help her do that. She looked so happy and that made me happy. I still laugh thinking about all our inside jokes, comments, looks, and everything else. It was one of the best weeks of my life, hands down.

Now, when I got back to Cincinnati this time, something felt weird. For some reason, it didn't feel like home. I got a little freaked out by this, since for the last two and a half years, it has. I talked to my parents and my Chicago best friend and they all had a lot of good stuff to say, but what really stuck out to me is what my friend said. I told him that I just wasn't sure if this is where I'm supposed to be. I didn't feel right and something felt off. He texted me back and said "maybe you aren't there for you anymore" which kind of confused me. He explained that maybe I'm here to be a part of someone else's life. Maybe I'm not the one who needs to grow, but maybe someone needs me in their life, kind of like I needed him in my life. Had he graduated on time or only done a 4 year major, I never would have gotten so close to him, or maybe even known him. It's crazy to think about. And he had a point. Who knows why I'm still here? But I am, and I have one year left. So let's hope I can make it good, ha. Alright, I have a migraine and it's a quarter after three in the morning, so I'm done for tonight.

Later,
T