FIFA 09 and Rascal Flatts

I'm sitting in my brother's room as he and some roommates and friends are playing FIFA 09 on the PS3, writing a blog. I have no interest to learn to play this game, and it's not that interesting to watch, to be honest. So I'm sitting in the corner on my brother's laptop fixing my blog up some and thinking of new stuff to write.

Lately I've been thinking about opportunities and regret. Everyone always says "live in the now, live for today" yada yada. I wholeheartedly agree for the most part, but then again I also believe that we need to think about our futures. I don't want to look back and see wasted opportunities. I've had too much of that already from high school, I don't want college to be the same. I want to take advantage of all the opportunities I'm given and I want to acheive something great. I definitely don't want to live in the past. What has happened has happened, and I want to move on. I'm ready for something new in life, whether it be in the form of a new activity, someone new in my life, or anything. I just want that feeling of discovery and curiosity, that feeling when you are on the verge of being completely lost but the drive to discover something new overrides it. That excitement of something unlike anything else you've experienced and that nervous joy that runs all through your body, that makes your hands and feet jumpy with anticipation and your stomach flutter. That's what I want to experience. I feel so trapped right now in a lot of ways, but I also know that there are ways for me to escape, and I'm going to take them.

I really don't have any other deeper thoughts right now, so I'm going to leave the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, the one that inspired my tattoo.

Waiting for that feeling,
T

No Reins by Rascal Flatts

She left that loser in a dust cloud
Heart in his hand, chin on the ground
Cried her last tear for that clown
She can see a little clearer now
She said, "Oh, oh, I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

No reins

All she's ever felt is held back
She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh"
She's gonna do a lot more of that
She's makin' plans and makin' tracks
She said, "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

Oh, oh she's learnin' how to let go
Oh, oh whichever way the wind blows
Oh, oh she's learnin' how to let go

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

No reins 

It's Love

Thinking about who I am...
I love God. I am proud to be a Christian and I love being a church camp counselor. My friends are amazing. They always make me laugh and they keep me strong when I feel weak. I love my family to death. My mom is one of my best friends and I am a total daddy's girl. I admire my older brother for everything that he is that I am not and also everything that I am that he is not. I am obsessed with soccer. Playing it, coaching it, watching it, reffing it; I love it all. Playing soccer is my release. The soccer field is the one place in this world where I am always confident and I never worry about not knowing what to do. I love lacing up my cleats and walking out onto the field, I love making assists and I love scoring goals. Something about soccer just always feels right to me. I am addicted to football. I bleed black and gold for the Steelers and red and black for the Bearcats. I always wanted to play hockey and I find it fascinating. Sidney Crosby is he most graceful man in hockey skates, I swear. Sports in general are my life. I want to make a living writing about them. I could read all day and not be tired of it. I've always had a passion for writing, which is why I combined it with my passion for sports to make my major. I love taking pictures and I would really like to get into photography. Making people laugh is my favorite. I love to dance. I may not be the greatest at it, but it's fun. I like singing, even though I'm terrible at it. I especially like singing at the top of my lungs while I'm driving. Cranking up the music and dancing around my room is how I wake myself up in the morning. Driving is relaxing to me, and I love it. People told me when I was 16 that I would grow out of my love for driving, but they were wrong. I like to swim, in both senses of the word. I just love being in the water. I'm addicted to texting and proud of it. I'm a damn good baker and I make really good chocolate chip cookies from scratch. Frozen pizzas are my weakness. I love buying gifts for people because I like to see their faces when they know I picked something out just for them. I like tall men. Seriously, like 6'3" to 6'5". I also like men with a good chest and stomach, and big hands. I love Mustang cars. I love cars in general. If I could afford it I would have as many cars as Jay Leno. I love my tattoo and I love all my piercings. I love food, but I'm a picky eater. I'm addicted to Diet Coke, but I'm getting better. I love animals, especially dogs. I want lots of dogs. I love kids and working with them, which is one reason I love being a camp counselor so much. I love late night phone calls and "good morning" text messages. I love making eye contact with one of my best friends, not saying a word, and just cracking up laughing because we know what each other is thinking. I love snow. I love rain, when I don't have to walk in it to class or something. Playing soccer on a cool, rainy day is my absolute favorite. I love funny movies and I love to laugh. Cuddling up on a couch in between my two best friends to watch a movie is a great way to spend an evening.

This is me. This is what I love. Sure, there are lots of things that I don't like, but I'm thinking positively for now. I'll try to update again tomorrow, the blog is already forming in my mind...

Until next time,
T

Intimidation factor.

It's been a couple days since I've written a real blog, partly because I had so many thoughts going on inside my head and I didn't know how to express some of them or didn't want them to pop up in this thing and partly because I have been super busy. There are just some things that just need to stay in my head right now, ya know? Plus I added another meeting per week in accepting the ROAR Vice President of Communications position, mixed with regular ROAR meetings, RallyCat meetings, RallyCat exec meetings, and Committee Chair meetings plus classes and homework. It's been crazy.

Today a friend told me that I can be intimidating. I guess I could kind of see that in a way, but then again I don't know. I mean I'm not the kind of girl who can walk up to a guy and be like "hey, you're cute and I like you, ok?" I never have been, I probably never will be. I'm scared as hell of rejection. In some ways I'm even more scared of commitment. I'm so afraid that I will never be enough, that I will never measure up. I feel like my flaws are always so exposed and I feel like I'm never good enough. I don't know, maybe it comes from years of being single, maybe it comes from the one time I came close to having a great relationship and what happened then. I don't really know. All I know is that apparently I'm intimidating. This is like the third guy friend who has told me this. Maybe I should take a hint? But I'm not going to change who I am...so whatever. I don't know. I guess maybe when I lose my temper I'm scary, but in all honesty I don't lose it very often. Whatever. I have been thinking about intimidation lately myself. I got to thinking the other day about my friends. All my best friends are guys. I have a lot of guy friends in general. And as much as they tease me and give me crap I know they love me and I know that at least a few of them are protective over me. I would not want to be the guy who pisses off the redhead with the temper, her older brother, and her best friends who happen to be men. So, I guess I can see it. In some ways.

The rest of what I need to say can't be said here. It's much too personal and I just really don't need the internet to see my thoughts, so I'm going to quit while I'm still sane and get some sleep.

Lost in the clouds,
T

::EDIT::
I'm posting these lyrics because...well..they are amazing and I have been listening to this song nonstop the past few days. Read them. Download the song. It's worth it.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance.... I hope you dance..........

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin',
Don't let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,
If you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance.... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.... I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance.... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.... I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.)

I'm so not ready for this. I am confused from all angles. I don't know what I'm supposed to do yet, but I guess I'll just give it some time. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Thoughtfully,
T

Busy Bee.

I really wish I had time to write right now, as I have much to say. However, I have to do my English homework. Maybe I'll get on tomorrow at some point?

Dancing in the moonlight,
T

I've been really frustrated lately. People have been getting on my last nerve and I don't really know why. These are people who are some of my best friends. I don't know why, but it just seems like everything they are saying has been hitting me wrong, and I'm just getting extremely irritated. And it's stuff that they have always done. Hell, I'm getting on my own nerves. It's just this weird experience, and I don't like it. I don't know what's wrong...ugh. I feel like everything is just..off. Like slightly crooked, so I'm looking at everything with my head cocked to one side and it's just throwing everything off. I also feel like everyone talks about everyone else behind their backs,a nd it's getting old. And I mean seriously, if you are going to talk about someone behind their back at least have the intelligence and decency to not make it obvious. That kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think? I'm not condoning it anyway, so whatever. I can't deal with this anymore.

Biding my time,
T

Seriously?

Today I was sitting in church and I started thinking. God is truly amazing, you know? I mean, I am completely and totally fascinated by everything He has created. The human body itself is just mind blowing. The way everything works, how you can move all your limbs independently and not have to focus on one thing. "Move right finger." It's not like that. It's so beautiful and complicated and intricate and I am just absolutely amazed at how truly AWESOME God is. And how cool is it that we get to live this life on Earth and continue living eternally with Him in Heaven? AAHH! It's so overwhelming! And I'm just so completely blessed to have such a good life, to have an amazing family around me, and to be able to do the things I do. I'm so lucky to have so many terrific people in my life. My friends and my family, my family who are my friends and my friends who are my family. I know life can be so depressing sometimes, and sometimes I get really down about things. But I'm on a God high today, and I am just filled with the brilliance of the Spirit. I thank God that He has given me the capacity to dream, the curiosity to wonder, and the drive, initiative, and ability to accomplish my goals, pursue my dreams, and discover new things. I can't even explain how positively ECSTATIC I am that I am a child of God and that I get to live my life for Him. It's just so...AWESOME.

Alright, that's pretty much it for today. For now. Who knows, I might write more later, right? We'll see.

Living it and loving it,
T

I'm dropping biology. I asked my professor if I should, and he was like "yes." Soo...I am. Which is good I guess. Whatever, I'm over it.

Moving on...

I don't like this weird feeling that I have. It's like I don't even understand myself. I have these weird feelings and conflicting thoughts and it's seriously like World War III inside my head right now. My head is saying one thing, my heart is saying another. Then my heart is ready to concede and my head is like "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! YOU CAN'T GIVE UP NOW!" So then my heart is like "Good point, I'm holding strong." Then they go back to hating each other and battling it out. See, it doesn't make sense to anyone because it's that complicated and retarded. Stupid head and stupid heart. I wish I could control either one. I want to follow my heart, but my head is saying it's a futile attempt and I should just give up. But my heart is saying that I can't give up, because I know that when I give up, that's when something will happen. ARGH.

I wish I could explain myself. Or someone else could explain me to me. I'm just a mixed up jumble of thoughts and words, floating around with internal conflict and hoping I manage to make it out of here with only a few scrapes and bruises.

Whatever floats your boat,
T

Text Messages and Hand Signals.

So I was going to write this blog about my friends again, since the one last night wasn't a complete thought. I was going to write about each of them individually and say why they are amazing and mean so much to me. But then, I was talking to a friend tonight and I realized that I couldn't be completely honest with some of my feelings towards some of my friends on here. Some of them don't know exactly their place in my life, and I don't think I'm ready for them to know, or anyone else for that matter. So since I want this blog to be as honest as possible, I'm just going to not write the original blog. Maybe I'll get the guts to write it sooner or later, but for now I don't want to really lay myself on the line. I wish I had the nerve, but I don't. So alas, I'll settle for a night of texting my best friends, some of whom were in the same room, making crazy hand signals that no one else understands, and reliving great moments that led to amazing memories. Maybe I'll write more later, maybe not. I don't know. I feel...weird. Off to the boys' room.

Until pigs fly,
T

WWE belts and The Notebook.

Pretty much, I love my friends. I love that a fake, plastic WWE Championship belt put a huge smile on one of my best friends' faces and he is almost 20. I love that three of my best friends, who happen to be guys, were watching The Notebook together and they all like that movie. I love that my roommate and I don't have to say a word, just share a glance, and can crack up laughing. I love that we all tease each other, but at the end of the day we all love each other. I love that, even if they won't say it out loud, I know my boys have my back. I love how my best friends see me at my worst and still hang out with me. They have seen me cry, they have seen me laugh. They have seen me angry, they have seen me happy, and they have seen me sad. They have seen me pout and they have seen me beg. They have seen me in sweats, in my pajamas, in athletic clothes, school clothes, and dresses. They have played football with me. They have played Guitar Hero with me. We've watched chick flicks, horror movies, comedies, and action movies. They have comforted me when I was upset, made me laugh and told me I would be alright. They have pushed me to tears, but apologized afterwards. They have listened to me worry, they have listened to me rant. They have sat through my rambling while I was trying to figure myself out. They have hugged me when I needed it most, given me the advice I needed to hear, but not always wanted. They have been there for me as I have discovered who I am, and they have accepted me. Basically, my best friends are the most amazing people in the world. I am so lucky to have such awesome people around me. They make me a better person, they show me that I am human, and they let me live my life. If any of you are reading this, I love you, and thanks for everything.

See you on the flip side,
T

Thanks, biology.

So today I realized that the biology class I'm in is wrong. Joy. So I need to drop it and pick up another one. I still don't understand why I have to take 15 credit hours of a stupid Natural Science when I'm a Journalism major. Whatever. I haven't dropped a class at college yet, so this is new for me. But oh well, it should be cool, I guess. On another note, I'm really not a fan of my Women's Studies class. I find it to be mildly hypocritical and just kind of obnoxious. But I'm going to stick it out because I feel like I'm supposed to be there for some reason. Go me.

I really don't have much to say today. I'm starting to get stressed about classes, which kind of sucks since it's only the third day. However, I think this quarter should be good, I'm excited to see what all is going to happen.

I suppose I'll update when I have something more interesting to say?

Until the cookie crumbles,
T

In the Beginning...

I have no clue how to start this. I just typed and deleted like 5 different opening lines to this blog, but none of them were right. See, I've started this blog because I really need an outlet for myself, and the best way is to write. (Hence why I'm a journalism major.) Anyway, I want to have a blog that is just...me. I don't want it to be a cliche and I don't want it to be pointless. I want it to have meaning but I don't want to preach. I guess this is going to be a little experiment, so I suppose if anyone is reading this, you are invited along for the ride and I'll see where I end up. My goal is to just write anything and everything that pops into my head and just let myself go. Hopefully it will be cool in the end, but I guess if not it will at least give me a little more insight into who I am. Here goes nothing...

I've been thinking a lot recently about relationships, or lack thereof. I'm getting older, almost 20, and I have yet to have dated someone seriously. In some ways, I'm proud of that because I know that I'm holding out for someone that I know is right. In other ways it really bothers me. It's kind of depressing to be 20 and to have never had a real first kiss (not counting when I was 5, that's so not real.) But then again, back to the first thought, I want that first kiss to be truly memorable. I want it to be with someone that I won't regret later in life. I want it to be for the right reasons, and not just for the sake of it. But on a larger scale, the whole dating thing is just so complex that I don't even know where to begin. I guess it all starts with my personal views on dating, which are very old fashioned. I believe that you should know someone as a friend before you should date them and consider them your girlfriend or boyfriend. I also believe that you date with intent to marry. I'm not delusional, though, and I don't necessarily think that the first person I date will be the person I marry. But I'm not the type of person who dates just to have a title. Added with the high moral standards I have for any potential boyfriend, I just haven't found someone yet. And I guess most days I'm okay with that. It's important to me to date a Christian, as my faith is number one in my life and I could never see myself dating someone who was not a follower of Christ. Another one is abstinence till marriage, which is becoming an increasingly harder quality to find in young people in general. But it's something that I believe in and anyone I would be with would have to respect that and preferably also believe in it. I know that there are guys like this out there, as I am friends with many, so I'm not giving up. I'm not lowering my standards because in all honesty, it's not that much too expect. When the time is right, I will meet someone and I know that God has a plan for me. So I'm trying to just let things happen, if they do that's great, if not, well then obviously it wasn't right.

I've also been thinking a lot about my faith. I grew up in the church, and I loved it when I was younger. I looked forward to Sunday mornings and Wednesday night youth groups. I hit a rough spot at the end of middle school and throughout high school, but I got involved as a church camp counselor at my church camp, which is my favorite place on Earth. I realized where I had gone wrong and strayed from God, and it was really upsetting. Over the last couple years, I have been making an effort to strengthen my relationship with Him. I've had some highs and I've had some lows, but all in all I definitely think it's better. I've grown up a lot, and I realize how important faith truly is. Last year I didn't have a church down here in Cincinnati, and while it really bothered me, I was also really scared to go to other churches. That probably sounds really stupid, and in a lot of ways it was. I was too shy (shocker, right?) to go to a new church all by myself, I didn't like the church I went to with my roommate, and I didn't really have any other friends who went to church. Another reason I was hesitant was because I love my church back home. I have an amazing church family around me there, and they truly are like family. I know that if I needed anything, any one of them would be there for me. I think that I felt that no church down here could ever measure up, that my church back home would always be my home and there was no point in even trying to find something comparable. This year, I started going with a friend of mine to his church, and I really liked it. It wasn't perfect in every way, but really, nothing is, right? Another reason I sometimes feel uncomfortable around other Christians is because I always feel like I stick out and I feel very uncomfortable. People stare at my earrings, mostly the 7 in my left ear, especially my tragus piercing. If they find out about my tattoo or my bellybutton ring they look down on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel this way about all Christians, just some. But I like my piercings and my tattoo, and they are a part of me. Another reason I like the church I attend now is some of the staff members have some piercings and tattoos, and it's kind of reassuring to me that I'm not alone, that I do fit in somewhere. I've been trying to surround myself with Christian friends who are positive influences, because it's hard to resist peer pressure sometimes.

That brings me to a whole other point. Peer pressure sucks. I love my friends to death, but sometimes being around some of them is just bad for me. They aren't bad people, but they don't make the best decisions. This year I'm going to really try to stick up for what I believe in, and if they are my TRUE friends, then they will stick with me. If they don't, it will hurt but in the end I guess it's better that they aren't negatively influencing me anymore.

To wrap this thing up, because it's late and I have to read for class and go to bed, I'm going to list my New Year's Resolutions:
1. Work out at least twice a week, but preferably 3 times.
2. Eat healthier and drink more water. Eat more fruits and vegetables.
3. Take calcium supplements since I can't have dairy anymore. Actually, just take a multivitamin. Yeah.
4. Rehab my knees and if I need to get them surgically repaired get it done so I can get in shape.
5. To go along . with all those things, lose weight and get back in shape. I want to be muscular and lean like I used to be.
6. Start playing soccer again, because I miss it. A lot.
7. Journal. Online and paper. Whatever I feel like.
8. READ MY BIBLE MORE!

And then there's just some stuff I would like to do this year:
1. Take road trips. Lots.
2. Coach a soccer team.
3. Find a journalism internship somewhere, or at least a good job for the summer.
4. Learn to cook. Real food, not just easy stuff.

That's all I have for now. Later, dudes. And dudettes. (That is, if anyone is even reading this besides me...awkward.)

Peace, love, and rock n' roll,
T