Blessings

This week has been really crappy in a lot of ways. I realized that I literally have no money, as in my bank account overdrew so I have $10 to my name right now. (It's a long story, my own stupidity I suppose, whatever.) I have had tests and papers and stories...all worth significant portions of my grades. This was our first week as an executive board with RallyCats, so I have had to get committee chair applications and structure done. I've been planning the Sigma Sigma carnival booth, price checking promotional items for RallyCats, and my dog has been staying with me all week, which means I have to get up earlier to feed her and take her out and come home more often to check on her. One of my best friends and I have been kind of shaky over the last week, and I have hardly seen or talked to the others. Lots of things have continued to build up inside of me, like a need for companionship and love beyond friendship, the lack of respect I feel from some people, and some other things. I've been so depressed, on the verge of tears, thinking about how much my life sucks because I'm going to have to ask my parents, who don't have a lot of money themselves, to loan me a substantial amount of money, I'm single and getting very sick of it, and wondering what in the world is wrong with me.

Then today I went to Over-the-Rhine to do some interviews for my environmental reporting class. When I was down there, I saw what real poverty is. The volunteers were planting gardens so that the people in the community could have vegetables to eat, cleaning up the garbage so people don't have to live in filth, and I started thinking. Yeah, I don't have any money right now. I'm in debt anyway because of school loans and my parents would love to help me pay for school, but they can't. But I am going to college. I do have family and friends who love me. I never went without as a kid. My parents had very little money, but they made sure my brother and I had everything we needed and most of what we wanted. I got to play premier soccer and my parents paid for uniforms, tournaments, new cleats every year, hotels, and came to all my games. So even though life might suck a little right now and asking my parents for money is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I'm still extremely blessed.

God gave me a pretty awesome life. I have two bad knees, but I can walk. I can still play soccer. I broke my arm pretty badly, but I can still swim and just about anything else. I have no money, but I'm getting a college education. I have a bed to sleep in, a home to live in, food to eat. I have friends and family who are willing to help me out and always support me. And I know He is apparent in even the little ways. After I realized that I had no money in my bank account, I found a $20 bill in my pocket, which has gotten me through this week. I had literally just filled my tank up with gas, and actually had thought about not filling it, just getting like a half a tank, but went ahead and filled it, so I have enough gas that I can drive to work and back tomorrow. My parents are coming through today, so I'll be able to talk to them in person about my problems. I got a check from the university, plus I'll be getting a paycheck from athletics next week and a paycheck from King's Island soon. I'm thankful for all that I have, and even though life is hard an sucks sometimes, I can make it through. People much worse off than me have done it, and I refuse to get beat. Here we go...

In prayer,
T

To the Guys...

I have started and not published so many blogs in the last month. A lot has been going on, but far too much to write about, especially now. But this is something that has been on my mind as of late, and I had a great heart-to-heart with one of the people I respect most, one of my best friends, the other night, and he made me think about some stuff. So here goes...

I love having guy best friends. Love it. I love my boys with all my heart. I love them all for different reasons, whether it be because he makes me laugh, he listens, he gives me the best hugs, he protects me when necessary, he shares my viewpoints...whatever. They are all very special to me, but sometimes being friends with guys is hard. I feel underappreciated sometimes. I feel like I try so hard to make others happy and they don't appreciate it at all. I feel disrespected when things are said around me, even if they aren't directed towards me. I know that at times I'm "just one of the guys" and that's fine, but it is nice to be complimented or treated as a female once in a while. I have thought of some things that guys do that annoy me or I would love to see them do. This isn't just personal, some of them are for all women, and not all of them are directed towards my guy friends. Like I said, they are pretty good guys, even if sometimes they get on my last nerve. So to the guys out there, here's what I, and probably other women, would love.

• Don't ask me if my female friends are "doable." I don't want to think about you "doing" my girl friends and I don't know what you consider "doable" anyway.

• Don't discuss how you would like to "screw" my friends around me, either. Or how you want to "screw" anyone, for that matter. I really don't want to listen to you discuss sex all day.

• Stop asking me "how many beers?" it would take before you were drunk enough to sleep with someone. I DON'T CARE. And I would love to have some respect for you and think you wouldn't sleep with someone you cared nothing about just because you were drunk.
• Please stop talking about how "hot" models and celebrities are and pointing out all the things about them that make them prettier/sexier/better than me. Even if you don't specifically say "she is skinny, you aren't" I know that I'm not, and it still makes me feel like crap. I don't appreciate feeling fat, short, and ugly all the time.
• Thank me once in a while for something. But I don't want you to do it out of obligation. I want to know that you truly appreciate me. And if you don't appreciate me, then please stop hanging out with me, because true friends appreciate each other.
• If my hair looks nice or I have gone out of my way to look good, it wouldn't kill you to compliment me. A simple "your hair looks nice" or "you look cute" or ANYTHING would make me happy. It shows that you notice and that you care at least a little bit about me.
• Stop it with the "women belong in the kitchen" crap. I admittedly do love to cook and bake, and I have told you that I will be happy to cook/bake for you, but not if you insult me while I do it.
• In fact, cut back on the women jokes, period. I'll laugh at them if they are actually funny, but it's overkill to hear it all the time.
• Don't stare at my chest and cleavage when you speak to me. Look me in the eye. Now, I understand that when cleavage is bared, it will be glanced at. Notice how I said GLANCED. I don't really care that much about that, or I would wear turtlenecks. But when you can't tear your eyes away to speak to me or listen to me, I just think you are disgusting.
• Just because you are a male and I am a female does not mean that you know more than me about sports. I love sports and pride myself on knowing quite a bit, and what I don't know I am trying to learn. So stop being so chauvinistic about it.
• Along the same lines, do not insult my loyalty to my sports teams. I have been a Pittsburgh Steelers, Chicago Bears, Pittsburgh Penguins, St. Louis Cardinals, Penn State Nittany Lions, University of Illinois Fighting Illini, and Chicago Bulls fan all my life. Ask my parents, I've rooted for them, born and raised. I do not choose whatever team is doing well that season and I do not choose teams based on "how pretty their colors are" to root for. I respect you for supporting your team through good and bad, even if I don't like your team. Have the decency to do the same for me.
• Hug me once in a while. I love getting hugs from my best friends, and hugs from guys are comforting and make me feel protected. It also shows that you care at least a little bit about me.
• If I seem upset, come talk to me. Ask me if I'm okay. I'll probably say nothing is wrong and I'm fine, but I secretly hope that you will call me out on it and come give me a hug so I can cry on your shoulder. Sometimes all I need is a good cry.
• Just because a female is in a bad mood does NOT mean she is on her period! Stop blaming our emotions on PMS and a menstrual cycle. Other things cause bad moods, you know. We don't blame your bad moods on erections, and if we are on our period and that's why we are in a bad mood, it's not like it's our fault. Most of the time we don't want to be in a bad mood, get upset over small stuff, or be really emotional, but there isn't much we can do to stop it.
• Stop touching yourself. If you itch that bad that you need to scratch it that much, I suggest seeing a doctor, because that's unnatural. I understand that sometimes you need to adjust yourself, and that's okay. But constantly seeing your hand on your crotch just makes me think you are a pervert.
• Also, just for the record, we see when your hand is in your pocket and you are trying to sneakily scratch yourself. You aren't that good at hiding it.
• Please refrain from calling us derogatory names all the time. It really does hurt our feelings.
• There are already too many nicknames for breasts. Please stop coming up with more. They aren't funny, we don't appreciate them, and you could just call them by their actual name.
• If we ask for your opinion on something, take it seriously. It means we care what you think and we want you to be happy. If we ask you if you like our outfit, don't be bland. "It's okay" or "you look fine" is not acceptable. What do you like about it? If you don't like it, tell us, but don't be mean. We ask for your opinion because we trust you and we want to know if we look stupid or not before we go out in public.
• If we give you pet names, it means we like you. If we sweet talk or baby talk to you, it also means we like you. Maybe not like, as in "let's be boyfriend and girlfriend" like, but we do care about you a lot, even as a friend.
• We secretly like using the pouty-puppy-dog face once in a while. It makes us feel cutesy and we think it's adorable that you can't resist it.
• Let us cuddle with you. If we are cold and snuggle up next to you, it means we are comfortable with you and you make us feel protected.
• That being said, it is sweet of you to offer us your jacket or something, but don't be offended if we decline. Sometimes we just don't want it.
• If another male in some way offends or insults us, we love it when you stick up for us or assure us that it's not true, that you think we are better than that.
• We are women, and we love it when you care about us and our protection, but we also want to be independent. Don't be overbearing. If we tell you seriously we want to be left alone, leave us alone. If we want you to come back, we will call you. Don't scare other guys away by hovering over us. There is a difference between being protective and annoying. Sometimes we need to make mistakes in order to learn from them.
• Put the toilet seat down after you pee. It's gross and it really sucks when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and end up with your butt in the toilet bowl. That's sick. So please, PLEASE try and put the seat down?
• Along with that, if you suck at aiming or you splash, please clean it up. It's disgusting when there is dried urine on the toilet.
• Farting is nothing to be proud of. Yes, it is a bodily function, but please do it in private. Go to the bathroom, your bedroom, outside...anywhere away from other people and relieve yourself. It's nasty to make other people smell it and to subject them to that, no matter what gender they are.
• Don't tell us that shaving your face sucks. We have to shave our legs all the time. We get it. It's really not that fair that you get away with a "five o'clock shadow" but you think it's gross when we don't shave our legs for a couple days, so just leave us alone.
• Shut up about how long it takes us in the shower or to get ready. We are girls; we use more products, we (usually) have longer hair to clean, dry, style, etc., shaving our legs takes a while, and we usually have more clothes and options to worry about than you. And if we do take a while to get ready, hopefully we look good, so worry about that instead of how you have been done for "sooo long." We really don't care that you got ready faster, it's pretty normal.
• Also, to follow that up, if you want to go somewhere, give us ample time to get ready. You know we take a while, so plan for it.
• Don't use us to impress your friends. It's so annoying when guys are nice to us when we are alone but jerks in front of their friends so they seem more "manly" or something. You don't have to insult us or objectify us just because your so-called-friends do. Be a real man and stand up for what's right, don't just conform.
• Most of all, just be our friend. We want to love you and hang out with you, spend time with you, and whatnot, so just respect us. We can laugh at jokes, we can have a good time, but it doesn't always have to be at our expense. Listen to us, talk to us, and just be normal.

That's the extent of my thinking for tonight. Time for bed, big weekend ahead of me. I'll try to update sooner, rather than later, this time. Hopefully soonish? We'll see, I guess.

Sleepily,
T

I suck at this.

It has literally been forever since I have been able to blog. I've been super busy and a mess of emotions, so it hasn't been great for being able to blog. I don't have time right now either, as I need to finish my homework and go to bed, so I'll try to update in the next couple of days. A real update.

Loving and laughing,
T

Birthday Blessings

It's been forever. Wow. Well, yesterday I turned 20 and that was fun. I had breakfast with one of my close friends, went to class, and spent the rest of the day at my house getting stuff around, at the grocery store, and then at the baseball game. Then I went to a party for my birthday. My amazing friends made my birthday a pretty awesome, and here are the numerous reasons.
1) My roommate cracks me up. She sticks up for me and my property, and she says some of the funniest things when I really need a laugh. I'm really going to miss living with her, but I know we will continue seeing each other. We have come to the point in our relationship where we are branching off the stuff we were jointly involved with, and it's been kind of rough on us at times, but I think it's good. She is happy where she is, and in turn that makes me happy. I love the smile on her face when she comes back after being with her sorority. It truly makes her feel good, and I think it's great that she found something that makes HER feel that way. I also LOVED the text message I got from her after she left the party last night. I read it and almost teared up because I knew it was heartfelt, and I love her so much. Really, you should meet her.
2) My best guy friends make me smile constantly. They always find a way to make me smile or laugh, and they are pretty awesome in their own right. They put up with some crazy stuff from me, and while they sometimes do some things or say some things that I don't agree with, they have been trying to work on some of them. They could work harder, but they are kind of lazy..haha.
3) My other friends are pretty awesome too. The group who sang to me at Stadium View made the first minute of my birthday pretty good and the singing at the party last night was definitely pretty cool. All the text messages and Facebook messages I got made me feel loved and some of them made me laugh. I really am blessed to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people. My family and friends are pretty awesome.
Alright, I'll stop saying 'awesome' now. Time to get some stuff done.

Thankfully,
T

I say a prayer with every heartbeat...

How Will I Know
by Whitney Houston

There's a boy I know
He's the one I dream of
Looks into my eyes
Takes me to the clouds above
Ooh, I lose control
Can't seem to get enough
When I wake from dreaming
Tell me is it really love

How will I know
(Don't trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know
(Love can be deceiving)
How will I know

[chorus]
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heartbeat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you, what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong, why do I feel weak

Oh, wake me, I'm shaking
Wish I had you near me now
Said, there's no mistaking
What I feel is really love

How will I know
(Don't trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know
(Love can be deceiving)
How will I know

[chorus]
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heartbeat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you, what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong, why do I feel weak

If he loves me, if he loves me not [3x]
Oh, how will I know

[chorus]
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heartbeat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak


That about sums it up.

Singing it away,
T

Whoa.

So, talking to my best girl friend tonight, I started thinking about something that had never really crossed my mind. My other two best friends are guys and I love them to death. I'm protective over them right now as it is. Seriously, I hate this chick who lives next door to me because she chased them down the hall at the very beginning of the year to introduce herself to them and I didn't like it. I don't like when slutty girls or girls I don't approve of hit on them. In fact, I hate it. They are my boys and I don't want to see some skanky girl use them. But what am I going to do when one of them starts dating a girl? What if she breaks his heart? I will not be happy...at all. I couldn't bear to see one of them heartbroken. It would break my heart. Then I would have to hurt whoever hurt them. And not to mention that the whole time he was dating this girl I would probably secretly hate her because I would just be waiting for her to screw up. And even worse, what if one of them starts dating a girl I can't stand?! That would just be awful. Oh man. I'm really upset now. I can't bear to lose the two of them. They are my best friends. They are the ones who make me smile when I'm sad, who calm me down when I'm angry, who talk me through the hard times. I couldn't stand if if I lost our friendship because of some chick. And I definitely couldn't take seeing one of them hurt.

On the flip side, I wonder if they ever think about these things in regards to me? I strongly suspect that they don't. In fact, there's a part of me that thinks that our friendship means more to me than it does to them. I have this little voice inside my head telling me that if something happened and our friendship ended, they would just get over it and move on. But they mean too much to me for me to be able to do that. I really wonder what they would do if a guy broke my heart. Probably nothing. Dang. I wish I knew what they felt. I wish I knew what things meant to them. Ugh.

It's really hard caring for someone more than they care for you. It hurts my heart. And I'm talking on a larger scale now. I'm pretty sure the guy I like has no feelings for me beyond friendship, and that just makes me hurt. But I would rather see him happy, I guess, and if he's not happy with me then I can't hold him back.

Wow. This entry got really depressing. I'm going to bed before I work myself into a crying fit.

Thoughtfully and protectively,
T

I don't miss you, I miss the idea of you

So, I was just reading a friend's blog and commenting on hers, and it kind of got me thinking and inspired to write this one.

Alright, here's the story in a nutshell:
I was kind of dating a guy at the end of my senior year of high school, but we were never officially in a relationship. There were a lot of factors as to why we never started dating. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship before, so we were both kind of scared and nervous. I was too caught up in stupid high school gossip and the fact that everyone was talking about us and I cared too much what other people thought about us, and I let that get in the way of my feelings. The other problem I had was that he was going to college on the East coast, and I was going to be here in the Midwest. I didn't want to start a relationship with someone who was going to be so far away. I mean, I wouldn't have even seen him on weekends. Plus, we were going to college, we would be meeting tons of new people, and I didn't think it would be a good situation for either of us to have the other someplace else. Towards the end of the summer, a couple of his friends (guys, of course) told him that I was "using him" and that I never had any intention of dating him, so he should just cut things off with me. I found this absurd because it was impossible for me to have been using him as we never went on actual dates where he paid and we never even kissed! So then he completely stopped talking to me, which was just immature.

He came up here for his fall break of our freshman year of college because a lot of our friends go to school here or around here, so we all just met up. At about 4am, we walked together to his car, just the two of us. We held hands and then I pulled him around to face me and told him that I couldn't do it..either we couldn't see each other or talk to each other ever, or he had to stop giving me the cold shoulder, because it was stupid. He said ok, and we moved on.
Over Christmas break, a bunch of us went sledding. My high school best friend and his best friend went, and it was kind of awkward between us at first, but then we started throwing snowballs and sledding and stuff, and loosened up. We were flirty and just had a lot of fun. We went back to my best friends house, and we all curled up on the couches together with hot chocolate, and we ended up cuddling up together. A week or so later, the four of us were hanging out and watching movies and we laid on the couch together. The last day I was home before going back to school, just the two of us went out to dinner. I grew up and stopped caring what people were saying or thinking, and it was a lot of fun.

Over the next several weeks, we talked a lot. Text, AIM, Facebook, and calls. Then I got really busy with midterm week and preparing for a trip, so about a week went by without us talking. I got back from my trip to Washington D.C. and logged on to Facebook, only to see that he is now in a relationship.

Wait, WHAT?!

I was crushed. To make matters worse, he imed me that night and acted like nothing was wrong. I told him about my trip, blah blah. Then he was like "oh, and I'm dating this really great girl right now, I'm pretty happy." Seriously?

Even to this day, I get a little jealous in my Facebook stalking when I see comments from other girls on his wall or pictures of him and other girls. But I realized today that it's not HIM I miss, it's the idea of him.

I loved having someone that was always there for me, who always cared about me. I loved cuddling on the couch, or sprawling across his lap while he played video games. I loved that he tickled me just enough that it wasn't torture but I laughed. I loved not having to go places alone and I loved having someone to text when I was having a bad day. I miss all of that. But I don't miss him, really. I mean, I miss our friendship, but it obviously wasn't meant to be. I just want all those feelings back.

In some ways, I feel those things about [an]other guy[s] now. I get that buzzy nervous feeling when I come in contact with him. I get butterflies when our hands even touch, let alone when they are clasped together. When I smell that certain scent that I associate with him, his smell, I can't help but take a deep whiff and smile a little. I sit across the room and can't help but look at his attractive physical features. Getting texts or calls from him usually brightens my day a little. But I want it to be something more. I want to be able to look at a guy and know that we share a special bond, that we have something more than just friends. But I want to keep that buzzy feeling and those butterflies in my stomach. I want that smell to remind me of someone I love and I want to openly check him out from across the room because he's mine and I can. So even though I have had the opportunity to get some of those things back, those guys didn't give me the buzzy feeling. My fingers didn't tingle as they brushed those guys' arms, I didn't have the urge to just curl up under a blanket on the couch and cuddle with them. I knew in my heart that they weren't right, and it's not fair to use a guy just to have that security.

I just want those feelings back, I want to be happy, and I want to finally find a guy that was worth the wait and the heartbreaks. I want to be loved and love in return.

I just don't know who he is or where to find him, if he's already in my life and he's right in front of my face and I just haven't seen it or if I have yet to meet him.

We'll see, I guess. You never know what the future will bring.

Looking,
T