So, talking to my best girl friend tonight, I started thinking about something that had never really crossed my mind. My other two best friends are guys and I love them to death. I'm protective over them right now as it is. Seriously, I hate this chick who lives next door to me because she chased them down the hall at the very beginning of the year to introduce herself to them and I didn't like it. I don't like when slutty girls or girls I don't approve of hit on them. In fact, I hate it. They are my boys and I don't want to see some skanky girl use them. But what am I going to do when one of them starts dating a girl? What if she breaks his heart? I will not be happy...at all. I couldn't bear to see one of them heartbroken. It would break my heart. Then I would have to hurt whoever hurt them. And not to mention that the whole time he was dating this girl I would probably secretly hate her because I would just be waiting for her to screw up. And even worse, what if one of them starts dating a girl I can't stand?! That would just be awful. Oh man. I'm really upset now. I can't bear to lose the two of them. They are my best friends. They are the ones who make me smile when I'm sad, who calm me down when I'm angry, who talk me through the hard times. I couldn't stand if if I lost our friendship because of some chick. And I definitely couldn't take seeing one of them hurt.
On the flip side, I wonder if they ever think about these things in regards to me? I strongly suspect that they don't. In fact, there's a part of me that thinks that our friendship means more to me than it does to them. I have this little voice inside my head telling me that if something happened and our friendship ended, they would just get over it and move on. But they mean too much to me for me to be able to do that. I really wonder what they would do if a guy broke my heart. Probably nothing. Dang. I wish I knew what they felt. I wish I knew what things meant to them. Ugh.
It's really hard caring for someone more than they care for you. It hurts my heart. And I'm talking on a larger scale now. I'm pretty sure the guy I like has no feelings for me beyond friendship, and that just makes me hurt. But I would rather see him happy, I guess, and if he's not happy with me then I can't hold him back.
Wow. This entry got really depressing. I'm going to bed before I work myself into a crying fit.
Thoughtfully and protectively,
T
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First of all, to avoid all confusion, this is Dan Burns. I saw where you mentioned your blog in your aim away message and got curious. I hope you don't mind me finding it :)
ReplyDeleteI've been down that road many times feeling like you care about someone or a friendship more than they care about it, and you can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. Add onto that all of the things that feel true that really aren't and it's no wonder that relationships (in the general, not just the dating sense) seem so messy and hard sometimes. You can drive yourself insane trying to make sense of it all.
Over the course of my 4 1/2 years in college I've watched my cast of characters and their roles change many times over, and the best thing that I've had to hold onto has been that God is in control of everything. Sometimes things don't make sense, and sometimes things get hard (believe me, I've got stories), but at the same time some really amazing things unfold too.
Hope this helps :) If you ever need someone to talk to I'd be more than happy to be that person.
-Dan