I'm really sick of being rational. I'm tired of playing it safe and be the cautious one. I don't want to be the one who sits on the sidelines babysitting my friends in case they get too rowdy anymore. I want to throw my inhibitions to the wind and let loose, free myself and just let go. I want to stop thinking about the consequences and I want to have the courage to go after the things I want. I want to stop thinking of the negatives and think about the positives. I want to open my mouth and say the things that need to be said but I've been too scared to. I want to stand up for myself and my friends better than I have. I want the courage to be able to walk up to a guy and tell him exactly how I feel and not fear rejection. I want to find the guy I've been waiting for, because it hurts too much to sit here and dream about it anymore. I want to pursue my dreams, accomplish my goals, and live my life to the best of my ability. I'm not who I want to be. I let some people walk all over me, over and over again like a throw rug. I don't stand up for myself or my friends because it's just easier to let it drop. I don't defend myself because I would rather just get yelled at than start some stupid conflict. I'm really getting tired of all of this.
I want to be spontaneous. I want to walk up to a guy and tell him exactly how I feel, lay all my cards out on the table. I want to be able to give up my heart again, to push back that fear and stop caring what other people say and think. I want to overcome my fear of commitment and rejection. I want to find a guy who will prove to me that the risk is worth it. I want to stop finding ways to stop myself from doing, saying, and getting what I want. I want to feel better about myself as a person and physically. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.
I don't want to have regrets.
I'm really having some difficulty figuring myself out lately. I'm scrambling to find ways to make everyone happy and it's becoming a sacrifice of my own happiness. I'm miserable right now in a lot of ways, and even though I'm well aware that I have SO much to be thankful for, I just can't get myself out of this rut. I've been a mess all week, and I just can't take it anymore. Something has to change. Something will change.
Finding myself,
T
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I want you to know, that I think finding yourself is the hardest thing in the world to do, some people search their whole lives and never really find themselves. So, keep searching really hard. I have faith that you will succeed. Change is hard to accept as well, we get so used to life as we know it and changing it can be a major blow to our confidence. But, hold your head high and keep on keeping on.
ReplyDeleteI'll love you no matter what, even if it means you run off and leave me to go join the gypsys.
Smile honey!