I'm all kinds of messed up right now. My head is spinning and my mind is all over the place. I can't organize my thoughts and I can't think straight. I am really having a hard time understanding a lot of things right now, and I need to sort through some stuff.
First of all, I have been single for basically forever. I've been involved in relationships that could have almost been considered dating type relationships, but I've never officially crossed that line to call someone my "boyfriend" or to be called someone's "girlfriend." Yeah, it really bothers me sometimes, and I'm extremely afraid of commitment. But sometimes I'm proud. I'm waiting for someone who will treat me right, who is everything I want in a man, and who I can see myself with in the future. There have been some guys that I have "hung out with" or whatever, but I just can't see myself with them. I mean, they are great guys and in some cases I can't even find any real faults with them, but if my heart's not in it, it's not fair to me and it's really not fair to the guy. And they don't deserve to be treated like that. Like I said, they are great guys. But the other thing that gets me is that I don't get what guys see in me. Granted, I've really only had like 3 guys express interest in me, but I don't know what they see. I don't think I'm physically attractive, I'm not skinny, I'm short with thick legs, I hate my freckles, I'm not all that intelligent, I have a terrible temper and I generally speak only in sarcasm. In all honesty, I don't get it. And I'm scared. What if I'm a terrible kisser? I mean I wouldn't know since I haven't kissed all that many guys. It's weird to think about, but it's true. I don't know, maybe I'm just strange. Whatever.
Second, I really don't know how to read some people. There are some people that I can read like a book, I know their emotions and I can tell when they are happy or sad, even if they aren't making it obvious. But there are some people that I don't know what is going on inside their heads. I don't know how they feel about things and I don't know what they want, and it bothers me. I don't have the courage to say something to someone unless I know they somewhat reciprocate. To put it straight, I'll just state that yes, I am talking about a guy. And the more time that goes by, the more I really think that I see something more in him than just friends. It's not just physical attraction, but also personality. Don't get me wrong, this guy meets my moral standards and also my physical preferences which is an added plus. But I have no clue what he is thinking and people can tell me to just say something to him all they want, but it's not going to happen. I put my heart out there once and all I got was hurt. I can't put myself through that again, especially not with someone that I feel strongly about. And the other thing is that I can't lose this person as a friend. I would rather have him as a friend and learn to deal with my feelings than to freak him out and lose him.
Oddly, I feel the exact opposite about other people. There are some people that I just can't bear to hang out with, because I feel so bad that I don't feel the same way about them. I want so badly for people to be able to understand where I'm coming from without me trying to explain it poorly. I guess it's that I didn't realize how strong my feelings for the guy mentioned above were until after I had already started hanging out with another guy. And then I was all messed up because there was absolutely no logical reason for me to stop seeing the second guy. I don't even know if the other guy sees me as anything other than as a friend! I want people to understand that I entered into this thing very open to wherever the relationship would lead and I thought I had some type of feelings for that person, but then the other feelings hit me, and stronger. And I don't know what to do, because any way that all of this goes, someone is going to get hurt and I don't want that to happen, not to me but especially not to either of these guys. They are both great and they don't deserve to be hurt, especially not by someone as messed up as I am.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I know that we can't really help who we love, but I wish I could. I wish I could see the nice guy that I know has feelings for me as something more than a friend, but I just can't. And I can't deny my heart, even if it hurts like hell at some points. What seems right in my head seems so wrong in my heart, and what seems so right in my heart seems impossible in my head. I'm so lost, and more than ever I just need to be true to myself because I can't afford to lose who I am. I'll keep pushing through, and hopefully in the end everything will work itself out.
The other thing that is really bothering me right now is other people's thought processes, or lack thereof. I cannot understand what is going through some people's minds that they could possibly think that the things they are saying and doing are even remotely OK. I'm beyond frustrated with people, and I'm hurt that they don't see what they are doing wrong, do not see how what they are doing is killing me. I'm really starting to realize who my true friends are, and I'm so blessed to have them. KA, BA, AV, RP, BM, GW, RR, NS, BR, KP...you guys mean the world to me. I'm not putting your names, but if you read this and you see your initials then I'm probably talking about you. I know that no matter what, I have some loyal friends who will stick with me and back me up. And I hope they all know that I will do the same for them. I'm praying I figure these things out, that in time God will show me where I'm going and what to do. I know that when the time is right, He will show me what's up, but it's so hard to wait, and I'm not patient with anything. Argh.
Pensively in thought,
T
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So much to say about this. First, how can you think you're not attractive? You're incredibly funny and smart, caring and genuine. I looove your hair and you've got an adorable smile. So what if you're not a size 0 people who are usually look sick anyhow, real women have curves and like good food. Screw anyone who tries to change you. Second, I'm honored to be mentioned in here because you are one of those friends I feel the same way about, I love you dearly and hope you know I'd do anything for you, I'd walk to the ends of the earth if you needed me to honey. Third, I'm sorry life and love are so confusing, unfortunately I don't think it gets any easier. So often our heads are conflicted with our hearts, but our hearts are what we need to follow...no matter how hard it may be to do. Always have to put yourself first dear, you are the only person who will, untill you find that person who actually makes your heart make sense and your thoughts stop scrambling in your brain.
ReplyDeleteHope you understand what I'm saying.