I don't miss you, I miss the idea of you

So, I was just reading a friend's blog and commenting on hers, and it kind of got me thinking and inspired to write this one.

Alright, here's the story in a nutshell:
I was kind of dating a guy at the end of my senior year of high school, but we were never officially in a relationship. There were a lot of factors as to why we never started dating. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship before, so we were both kind of scared and nervous. I was too caught up in stupid high school gossip and the fact that everyone was talking about us and I cared too much what other people thought about us, and I let that get in the way of my feelings. The other problem I had was that he was going to college on the East coast, and I was going to be here in the Midwest. I didn't want to start a relationship with someone who was going to be so far away. I mean, I wouldn't have even seen him on weekends. Plus, we were going to college, we would be meeting tons of new people, and I didn't think it would be a good situation for either of us to have the other someplace else. Towards the end of the summer, a couple of his friends (guys, of course) told him that I was "using him" and that I never had any intention of dating him, so he should just cut things off with me. I found this absurd because it was impossible for me to have been using him as we never went on actual dates where he paid and we never even kissed! So then he completely stopped talking to me, which was just immature.

He came up here for his fall break of our freshman year of college because a lot of our friends go to school here or around here, so we all just met up. At about 4am, we walked together to his car, just the two of us. We held hands and then I pulled him around to face me and told him that I couldn't do it..either we couldn't see each other or talk to each other ever, or he had to stop giving me the cold shoulder, because it was stupid. He said ok, and we moved on.
Over Christmas break, a bunch of us went sledding. My high school best friend and his best friend went, and it was kind of awkward between us at first, but then we started throwing snowballs and sledding and stuff, and loosened up. We were flirty and just had a lot of fun. We went back to my best friends house, and we all curled up on the couches together with hot chocolate, and we ended up cuddling up together. A week or so later, the four of us were hanging out and watching movies and we laid on the couch together. The last day I was home before going back to school, just the two of us went out to dinner. I grew up and stopped caring what people were saying or thinking, and it was a lot of fun.

Over the next several weeks, we talked a lot. Text, AIM, Facebook, and calls. Then I got really busy with midterm week and preparing for a trip, so about a week went by without us talking. I got back from my trip to Washington D.C. and logged on to Facebook, only to see that he is now in a relationship.

Wait, WHAT?!

I was crushed. To make matters worse, he imed me that night and acted like nothing was wrong. I told him about my trip, blah blah. Then he was like "oh, and I'm dating this really great girl right now, I'm pretty happy." Seriously?

Even to this day, I get a little jealous in my Facebook stalking when I see comments from other girls on his wall or pictures of him and other girls. But I realized today that it's not HIM I miss, it's the idea of him.

I loved having someone that was always there for me, who always cared about me. I loved cuddling on the couch, or sprawling across his lap while he played video games. I loved that he tickled me just enough that it wasn't torture but I laughed. I loved not having to go places alone and I loved having someone to text when I was having a bad day. I miss all of that. But I don't miss him, really. I mean, I miss our friendship, but it obviously wasn't meant to be. I just want all those feelings back.

In some ways, I feel those things about [an]other guy[s] now. I get that buzzy nervous feeling when I come in contact with him. I get butterflies when our hands even touch, let alone when they are clasped together. When I smell that certain scent that I associate with him, his smell, I can't help but take a deep whiff and smile a little. I sit across the room and can't help but look at his attractive physical features. Getting texts or calls from him usually brightens my day a little. But I want it to be something more. I want to be able to look at a guy and know that we share a special bond, that we have something more than just friends. But I want to keep that buzzy feeling and those butterflies in my stomach. I want that smell to remind me of someone I love and I want to openly check him out from across the room because he's mine and I can. So even though I have had the opportunity to get some of those things back, those guys didn't give me the buzzy feeling. My fingers didn't tingle as they brushed those guys' arms, I didn't have the urge to just curl up under a blanket on the couch and cuddle with them. I knew in my heart that they weren't right, and it's not fair to use a guy just to have that security.

I just want those feelings back, I want to be happy, and I want to finally find a guy that was worth the wait and the heartbreaks. I want to be loved and love in return.

I just don't know who he is or where to find him, if he's already in my life and he's right in front of my face and I just haven't seen it or if I have yet to meet him.

We'll see, I guess. You never know what the future will bring.

Looking,
T