Too Much on My Mind

"And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face. Still it's hard to find faith."

This is so true. I have so many wonderful people around me and I truly have a good life and I have been learning how to appreciate all these things so much better over the last couple of years. But I still find myself dwelling on the negatives. I just can't seem to win. If it's not one thing, it's another. As much good as there is in my life, there is also a lot of stuff that really sucks. But whatever. I guess that's life, and I'll have to figure out how to deal with it somehow.

This weekend was interesting. My head and my heart are so messed up right now. I'm so confused as to what, and who, I want and I'm not sure how to say the things that I think I need to say, to ask the questions I think I need to ask. But I don't even know if I should say and ask those things. I hold onto things, I'm a sentimental person. I try to move on and to stop having feelings for someone, then they rush back into my life and all those feelings come flooding back. It sucks. Especially if I think I've moved on and it turns out that I haven't. I don't want to hurt anybody because I know how that feels, all too well. But I just don't know what else to do.

Over the last few weeks I've definitely reconnected with a male friend that I used to be extremely close with. We never actually grew apart, but things were different with us for a while, and we are finally 100% back to being pretty much best friends, and I'm so glad to have that guy back. We just get each other. We have the same sense of humor but we both know when to check it and get stuff done. I love it when he makes jokes, especially about other girls, and I start laughing, which just makes him laugh even harder. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, we were sitting on an armchair together, his head laying on my shoulder and my foot propped up on his knee, and we were just there. Just chill. Just friends, and nothing more. It felt so good to have my good friend back. But apparently us being close is a big deal to everyone else. No one really understands our friendship, for some reason. Almost all of our friends are mutual friends and they don't like it or they don't get it or something. I fail to see why it's anybody else's business, but these same people are nosy gossips who have to know everyone else's business all the time, so I'm not too surprised. But it's still annoying. He and I are friends, just friends, and we both get that, we are both fine with it, we both enjoy each other's company. So everyone else can shove it.

I really miss my best friend. It's so hard to cope with life without her being here. And I'm trying so hard to balance trying to keep her involved with everything here without making it seem like I'm making her feel that she's missing out. Life would be so much easier this quarter if she was here for me to talk to and to see everything for herself. Ugh.

I'm homesick. I miss my parents, I miss my dog, I miss the stress-free life. I miss my best friends. I'm just ready for some things to work themselves out, once and for all. I want to know all the answers, but I'm tired of trying to figure out which questions to ask and how to ask them. I'm so confused and I just want some things to go right for once. Here's to hoping. I'm off to bed, too much on my mind.

T