Too Much on My Mind

"And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face. Still it's hard to find faith."

This is so true. I have so many wonderful people around me and I truly have a good life and I have been learning how to appreciate all these things so much better over the last couple of years. But I still find myself dwelling on the negatives. I just can't seem to win. If it's not one thing, it's another. As much good as there is in my life, there is also a lot of stuff that really sucks. But whatever. I guess that's life, and I'll have to figure out how to deal with it somehow.

This weekend was interesting. My head and my heart are so messed up right now. I'm so confused as to what, and who, I want and I'm not sure how to say the things that I think I need to say, to ask the questions I think I need to ask. But I don't even know if I should say and ask those things. I hold onto things, I'm a sentimental person. I try to move on and to stop having feelings for someone, then they rush back into my life and all those feelings come flooding back. It sucks. Especially if I think I've moved on and it turns out that I haven't. I don't want to hurt anybody because I know how that feels, all too well. But I just don't know what else to do.

Over the last few weeks I've definitely reconnected with a male friend that I used to be extremely close with. We never actually grew apart, but things were different with us for a while, and we are finally 100% back to being pretty much best friends, and I'm so glad to have that guy back. We just get each other. We have the same sense of humor but we both know when to check it and get stuff done. I love it when he makes jokes, especially about other girls, and I start laughing, which just makes him laugh even harder. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, we were sitting on an armchair together, his head laying on my shoulder and my foot propped up on his knee, and we were just there. Just chill. Just friends, and nothing more. It felt so good to have my good friend back. But apparently us being close is a big deal to everyone else. No one really understands our friendship, for some reason. Almost all of our friends are mutual friends and they don't like it or they don't get it or something. I fail to see why it's anybody else's business, but these same people are nosy gossips who have to know everyone else's business all the time, so I'm not too surprised. But it's still annoying. He and I are friends, just friends, and we both get that, we are both fine with it, we both enjoy each other's company. So everyone else can shove it.

I really miss my best friend. It's so hard to cope with life without her being here. And I'm trying so hard to balance trying to keep her involved with everything here without making it seem like I'm making her feel that she's missing out. Life would be so much easier this quarter if she was here for me to talk to and to see everything for herself. Ugh.

I'm homesick. I miss my parents, I miss my dog, I miss the stress-free life. I miss my best friends. I'm just ready for some things to work themselves out, once and for all. I want to know all the answers, but I'm tired of trying to figure out which questions to ask and how to ask them. I'm so confused and I just want some things to go right for once. Here's to hoping. I'm off to bed, too much on my mind.

T

Last Place..Again

So tonight I walked home by myself. For the second time in my college career, for the second time this year so far, I walked myself home, alone. And both times I was with male friends who probably should have walked with me. I honestly thought more highly of my friends. But no, I was left to walk alone, no one to make sure I got home safe, no one to make sure nothing happened to me. What's even worse about both of these situations? The guys in both situations didn't even bother to text me or call me to make sure I made it home safe. Not only did they not walk with me, or even offer, but didn't care enough to send a quick text asking if I was okay.

I'm so sick of this. Even if these guys weren't two of my best friends, as the gentlemen that I thought they were they should have, at the very least, offered to walk me home. In fact, they should have insisted on it. What guy lets a girl walk home alone? The first time I was left to walk alone, in the rain at 2 a.m. because a guy wanted to "show me it was over." Mission accomplished, jerk. Now granted, he has since been forgiven and we are still good friends, but that doesn't make the move any less of a jerk move. Tonight, I was ditched (for the second night in a row) by a close guy friend. Tonight, I was ditched for an ugly, gap-toothed, leggings-as-pants wearing slut with an even uglier bushy-eyebrowed, shorts and stilettos-wearing (oh hey, by the way, it's January..why are you wearing SHORTS?!) twin. So it comes down to this, again: I'm one of your best friends, you claim you care about me, you claim you want the best for me. But as soon as some easy girl who will give you some comes along, I'm just some girl you know. And even though I have no interest in you romantically, it sucks being shunted aside and watching you slum around with some skank. You can do better, and I want you to. Because, guess what? I actually care about you. I don't just say it, I mean it. Unlike you.

I don't really know what's going on right now with the men in my life. I've always been able to rely on them, but lately they are letting me down. I don't feel safe with them anymore and I'm really losing respect for them. It really sucks. Whatever. It's your life, do what you will. But don't expect me to sit around and watch you screw up. I'm done trying and I'm done caring until the friendship is reciprocated. When you decide to man up and treat me like I deserve to be treated as your friend, then we'll talk. Until then, please just go away. Thanks.

Done,
T

Second Place

I love having guy friends. My boys are my best friends. But I'm really getting tired of "not counting" and always coming in second place behind girls who will make out with them and be whores. Just because I'm not an idiot, I can take care of myself, etc. etc., I don't get to count? Well that's bullshit. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I have a secret crush on one of my guy friends, I don't want to "count" for them, but I just feel like they take advantage of the fact that I'm a girl but I'm not like the rest of them. And what makes it worse, they only go for those girls that, in their minds, do count. If all you do is whine about girls like that, why do you keep picking them? It's crap and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of being the backup plan or the one that gets cast aside when something else comes up. I've come to expect the rejection and the last minute ditch. I'm used to it. Oh, someone else needs to be walked home? Sure, I don't care. I'm not one of your best friends, I won't care if you leave me by myself. No, that's fine by me. I just don't matter and I'm so tired of it. I DO matter.

I just want to be appreciated for who I am. I AM a girl. I want to be complimented when I look nice, I want to be treated with respect. And just because I'm not gonna get offended if you make a joke or because I can drive a car just as well as you or because I don't make out with different guys every weekend doesn't mean I'm not still a girl. You say you don't want me to be those girls, but yet you treat me like the second side dish. Oh, my entree comes with two sides? In that guess, I guess I'll take the mashed potatoes too. I don't want to be the damn mashed potatoes anymore. Just because I'm there and I'm convenient doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt when you leave me or ditch me. Our friendship means more to ME than that, but obviously it doesn't mean more to you.

I'm so done. The guys I want are the ones that don't want me. The ones I just can't date are the ones who do. I hate this.

T

Respect

I am SO annoyed with all the people commenting on UC students' and fans' Facebook statuses regarding the Sugar Bowl and/or Brian Kelly leaving and saying that UC is going to lose to Florida and trying to start crap. Stop being so egotistical and be happy for a football program that went from being nothing to being 12-0 in 3 years. Respect that these football players gave everything they had to earn those wins and shut up about what you think will happen in the game, especially if you are a bitter fan of some team that ISN'T undefeated or ranked #3. UC is going to the Sugar Bowl for the first time ever, has an undefeated record for the first time in school history and all the students, players, fans, faculty and anyone else who considers themselves a Bearcat in any way is just proud that we have come so far. Stop running your mouth and try to have some respect, it's a good virtue to have.

Honesty? Integrity? Oh, really...

In light of Brian Kelly announcing tonight that he has taken the head coach job at Notre Dame, I felt the need to just lay some things out there. These are my personal opinions and viewpoints on the events and the situation:

First of all, the worst thing about the entire situation is not that Kelly is leaving UC. No, that would have been sad, but I could have dealt with it. What I can't deal with is how he boldfaced lied to his team. Straight up to their faces told them he was staying, assured them that if something should change they would be the first to know. Yet the afternoon of the football banquet to honor the seniors that have given this team everything they had this season, reports surface that Kelly is going to Notre Dame. Senior quarterback Tony Pike told the media that he was trusting Kelly, that Coach gave his word to the team that they would be the first to know about his decision and that Pike had no reason to not believe that Kelly would stick to that. Then Kelly told the team he was leaving. Not only were they NOT the first ones to know, they were among the last. I'm sorry, but where's your integrity, Coach? You made a promise and you went back on it. I can only hope that the Notre Dame players see that and learn to take everything you say at face value because who knows what you will actually do? Like the little boy who cried wolf, I don't know when I can trust you and I don't know if I can believe anything that comes out of your mouth. Good luck with that.

Second, people not involved at UC, and even some who are here but just don't get it, keep saying that Kelly had to do what was best for his family. Is Notre Dame really what is best for them? He has two young kids and a wife. Do you really think his kids want to leave their friends and their lives behind? Do you think it's fair to put them through the hell of the bureaucracy of the Notre Dame program? The fact is that Notre Dame has the money and power to tear you apart should you step one toe out of line or bend one little rule they may have. They don't care about you, they want to win. They want Brian Kelly to take them to the National Championship because they are greedy, they could care less about the man under the visor. As far as the money goes, sure, it's a lot more money. But seriously? He was already hitting about a million and a half here. And quite honestly, I think that's REALLY overpaid. (The fact that coaches and athletes are absurdly overpaid in general is a whole other issue.) That's more than enough to live by...in a mansion with maids, butlers, a chauffeur, private school for the kids, the best college funds in the state for those kids, and there's STILL a ton left over. So what are you going to do with twice as much money? I'm really glad that money took precedence over your family, because I sure as hell would be okay with my dad merely making a little over a million dollars and getting to stay with my friends than my dad making three million and having to move my whole life.

Third, Notre Dame is just stupid. All along they said they wanted their new head coach to be two things: a Notre Dame alum and defensive-minded. Kelly is neither. The many hardly spoke to his defense on the sidelines of games. No offense to the defense, but they were weak this year. And that's not necessarily their fault, and it really isn't even Kelly's fault either. Our offense was strong enough to make up for our young and fairly inexperienced defense. But how can you say that there are two stipulations you want in someone and then throw it all out the window? I guess honesty and integrity isn't big with Notre Dame athletics, so after this little stunt Coach Kelly should fit in swimmingly.

Fourth, I really wonder what Kelly would have done if Nebraska had held Texas off. In that one second, if Nebraska had held the lead over Texas and won, we would have been headed to the National Championship. That said, would Kelly still be leaving? Would he really give up coaching in the National Championship to become the head coach of a team with a shitty record for the last three years? As it is, he's giving up the Sugar Bowl. He won't even get to be there, whether UC wins or loses. But what if they win? He will have thrown away a 13-0 season. And what if he never makes a good bowl at Notre Dame? The man isn't Jesus, he can't work miracles. If he does, why don't you go ahead and make Touchdown Kelly on the other side of your stadium?

Fifth, he's been at UC for three years. THREE YEARS. Yes, he brought us here. He helped take the program from one where students could just walk in without a ticket because the idea of selling out Nippert Stadium would cause any UC student, parent, faculty or alum to have an asthma attack from laughing so hard to a program where almost every home game in the 2009 season set a new attendance record at Nippert. But these seniors aren't his seniors. These are the last of Coach Dantonio's recruits. Mardy Gilyard? Dantonio. Tony Pike? Dantonio. He has proven that he can mix his own recruits with some pretty standout inherited recruits, but he hasn't taken his OWN team to a Big East title or a BCS game. Would it have killed him to stick around just a couple more years and prove to everyone that he really is as good as everyone, including him, seems to think? And just think, if he had continued winning like this, taking the Bearcats to BCS bowl games, winning Big East titles, being Coach of the Year in the Big East every year, etc. he could have had all the job offers he could imagine. He probably would have been offered something in the NFL or at least he would have caught the eye of those NFL owners. But as it stands, he's leaving a program that he helped nurture but didn't actually parent and going somewhere where he will be starting over again. What's he going to do, start over every three years? Is this his shtick, he can build a team but he can't maintain one? So what's he going to do with that? Build college football teams all over the country, tell him he will never leave, then ditch them and run because he has commitment issues and do it all over again? Sounds like an awesome life.

Sixth, what makes him think he's any different than any of the other coaches Notre Dame has blown through in the last decade? On ESPN tonight they showed that each of those coaches starts off winning, leading the team to winning seasons and success, but then they flop. So what, you went 12-0 in your last season at UC. Woohoo. Didn't you ever think that maybe it was more than just you? What about all the assistant coaches, the athletic department staff, the athletic directors, the fans and most, of all, the players? They helped build the program, too. Like I said, Brian Kelly is not Jesus. He didn't do it all alone. He wasn't putting his body on the line for his teammates every day and he wasn't faced with the pressure of catching game-winning receptions and making game-turning tackles. He didn't tape up the twisted ankles or ice the swollen joints, massage the tight muscles or fit the braces on the knees of his players. He didn't buy a ticket to watch the game, helping to sell out Nippert and he didn't lead the stadium in the fight song, the alma matter or Down the Drive. (In fact, he never responded to any cheering, even his own name being chanted by the entire student section. Again, that's a whole other subject.) So who's to say Notre Dame isn't going to fire him in 3 years? Oh, what's that excuse you're whining now that you're getting fired after only a few years? You think 3 years isn't enough time to prove yourself? Oh, funny, because you left your job of 3 years before because you thought that your work in those three years proved how good you were. Does that mean that that 12-0 season was a fluke, that we got lucky? I don't think so. Our boys don't deserve the accusation of luck.

And finally, I'm calling you out, Brian Kelly. You thought I was calling you out in the rest of this blog? Wrong. I was merely stating my views and asking some questions, playing out a few scenarios. But here's the part where I illustrate to you just how much of a douche you are. Last year you gave Coach Rodriguez crap for leaving his team high and dry right before their bowl game. Yet here you sit, doing the exact same thing. That, my friend, is called hypocrisy. And you have displayed it to it's finest. You lied. You told your team, the guys who followed you through rain and snow, who trusted you with their futures, their lives, that you would give them the decency of telling them first if you decided to leave. But you didn't. You broke their trust and you went back on your word. And not only did you lie, but you had the nerve to say that our program is built on honesty and integrity and you were glad to be a part of that program? No. I'm sorry, but in one night you showed your true colors and you showed that honesty and integrity mean nothing to you. So that's yet another lie you told. Well good riddance. If our program is built on honesty and integrity, as you say it is, then it's pretty good you're leaving, in my opinion, since you clearly don't possess those attributes. It's too bad, really, because UC would have - and has - given you everything you want. But you threw it all away to go coach some crappy team with too many rules. Good luck with that. Pack your bags and get out of my city.

As always,
T

"Pain is temporary. Pride is forever."

"People don't play sports because its fun. Ask any athlete, most of them hate it, but they couldn't imagine their life with out it. Its part of them, the love/hate relationship. its what they live for. They live for the practices, parties, long bus rides, invitationals, countless pairs of different types of shoes, water, Gatorade, & coaches you hate but appreciate. They live for the way it feels when they beat the other team, and knowing those two extra sprints they ran in practice were worth it. They live for the way they become a family with their team, they live for the countless songs they sing in their head while training all those hours. They live for the competition, they live for the friends, the practices, the memories, the pain, its who they are. It's who we are. WE ARE ATHLETES."
-Adidas

It's Life

You say you don't want to hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown?

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

-Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers

After recent discussions with friends and different events occurring in my own life these lyrics really jumped out at me today and got me thinking. As a girl, I love to be protected, to have a guy in my life who looks out for me, to have that special bond with someone so that when you are standing with them or sitting with them you know they are with you and you have the comfort of their presence. But I'm also very independent. I don't like to be mothered or patronized or overprotected. I can take care of myself and I don't have to depend on anyone because I know who I am and I am capable of getting what I need and where I need to go. That being said, just because I am capable of something doesn't necessarily mean I want to go it alone. There needs to be a balance.

While I appreciate being protected from situations and I understand that you care for me and don't want to see me hurt, you also need to understand that you can't protect me from the world, and you don't need to. Some of the best things in life come from mistakes and without mistakes we have nothing to learn from. It's a necessary part of life.

So yes, I get that you don't want to get me mixed up in your personal issues. I love that you care enough about me to try to keep me out of situations that are tough enough for you to be involved in, let alone me as well. But at some point you have to let me in. While you might be saving me from some sort of harm, you're making it hard for me because I don't want to see you hurt either. I don't know how to help you if you won't be open with me. And I hate to see you hurt just as much as you don't want to see me hurt. Just because you want me to be sheltered from something doesn't mean you have to take the full brunt of a situation yourself. Two is stronger than one, and you can still protect me while letting me help you. Balance. It's the only way to make things work.

On another note, the other thing the lyrics got me thinking about is time. Yes, we have plenty of time in our lives. I'm a slow mover, I like to let things take their course and if they are meant to be, I trust that they will happen. But at some point you have to make a decision. Either you want something or you don't. You either want to be with me or you don't. And yeah, maybe it will hurt you or maybe it will hurt me, but drawing it out longer isn't going to help anyone. Trust me, I've been there. It just hurts more to drag things on. We all hurt, we all inflict pain. It's something everyone has to deal with. So if you have something to say, just say it. Be honest. Sure, I've had my heart broken. But so have millions of billions of other people. We grieve, we get angry, we sulk, and then we suck it up, mend ourselves, and we move on. It's a part of life.

This was sort of random, but I guess that's just how my mind works. Bedtime now.

T

Sick

Being sick really sucks. I went to the doctor yesterday to find out that I have two types of the flu and that I possibly had a mild case of bronchitis that my body fought off. I started feeling better yesterday, went to bed and woke up in the wee hours of the morning with intense ear pain. I've had ear infections all my life, ranging from annoying little aches to once rupturing my ear drum. I never thought I had them that bad, but after talking to my mom today, apparently I did. I woke up this morning and found little spots of blood all over my pillow from where my ear had drained and it really freaked me out, so I got on webmd.com and started looking into it. Hopefully it's just a rupture of a sore (like I said, mom said this happened when I was a kid) and antibiotics will take care of it. Either way, this blows. It's not even just a flu that you throw up a few times, feel crappy, eat some soup and crackers, and a couple days later you're better. No, of course it's me so it can't be that easy. Ugh. I'm off to the doctor to figure out what's wrong with me now. Wonderful.