Respect

I am SO annoyed with all the people commenting on UC students' and fans' Facebook statuses regarding the Sugar Bowl and/or Brian Kelly leaving and saying that UC is going to lose to Florida and trying to start crap. Stop being so egotistical and be happy for a football program that went from being nothing to being 12-0 in 3 years. Respect that these football players gave everything they had to earn those wins and shut up about what you think will happen in the game, especially if you are a bitter fan of some team that ISN'T undefeated or ranked #3. UC is going to the Sugar Bowl for the first time ever, has an undefeated record for the first time in school history and all the students, players, fans, faculty and anyone else who considers themselves a Bearcat in any way is just proud that we have come so far. Stop running your mouth and try to have some respect, it's a good virtue to have.

Honesty? Integrity? Oh, really...

In light of Brian Kelly announcing tonight that he has taken the head coach job at Notre Dame, I felt the need to just lay some things out there. These are my personal opinions and viewpoints on the events and the situation:

First of all, the worst thing about the entire situation is not that Kelly is leaving UC. No, that would have been sad, but I could have dealt with it. What I can't deal with is how he boldfaced lied to his team. Straight up to their faces told them he was staying, assured them that if something should change they would be the first to know. Yet the afternoon of the football banquet to honor the seniors that have given this team everything they had this season, reports surface that Kelly is going to Notre Dame. Senior quarterback Tony Pike told the media that he was trusting Kelly, that Coach gave his word to the team that they would be the first to know about his decision and that Pike had no reason to not believe that Kelly would stick to that. Then Kelly told the team he was leaving. Not only were they NOT the first ones to know, they were among the last. I'm sorry, but where's your integrity, Coach? You made a promise and you went back on it. I can only hope that the Notre Dame players see that and learn to take everything you say at face value because who knows what you will actually do? Like the little boy who cried wolf, I don't know when I can trust you and I don't know if I can believe anything that comes out of your mouth. Good luck with that.

Second, people not involved at UC, and even some who are here but just don't get it, keep saying that Kelly had to do what was best for his family. Is Notre Dame really what is best for them? He has two young kids and a wife. Do you really think his kids want to leave their friends and their lives behind? Do you think it's fair to put them through the hell of the bureaucracy of the Notre Dame program? The fact is that Notre Dame has the money and power to tear you apart should you step one toe out of line or bend one little rule they may have. They don't care about you, they want to win. They want Brian Kelly to take them to the National Championship because they are greedy, they could care less about the man under the visor. As far as the money goes, sure, it's a lot more money. But seriously? He was already hitting about a million and a half here. And quite honestly, I think that's REALLY overpaid. (The fact that coaches and athletes are absurdly overpaid in general is a whole other issue.) That's more than enough to live by...in a mansion with maids, butlers, a chauffeur, private school for the kids, the best college funds in the state for those kids, and there's STILL a ton left over. So what are you going to do with twice as much money? I'm really glad that money took precedence over your family, because I sure as hell would be okay with my dad merely making a little over a million dollars and getting to stay with my friends than my dad making three million and having to move my whole life.

Third, Notre Dame is just stupid. All along they said they wanted their new head coach to be two things: a Notre Dame alum and defensive-minded. Kelly is neither. The many hardly spoke to his defense on the sidelines of games. No offense to the defense, but they were weak this year. And that's not necessarily their fault, and it really isn't even Kelly's fault either. Our offense was strong enough to make up for our young and fairly inexperienced defense. But how can you say that there are two stipulations you want in someone and then throw it all out the window? I guess honesty and integrity isn't big with Notre Dame athletics, so after this little stunt Coach Kelly should fit in swimmingly.

Fourth, I really wonder what Kelly would have done if Nebraska had held Texas off. In that one second, if Nebraska had held the lead over Texas and won, we would have been headed to the National Championship. That said, would Kelly still be leaving? Would he really give up coaching in the National Championship to become the head coach of a team with a shitty record for the last three years? As it is, he's giving up the Sugar Bowl. He won't even get to be there, whether UC wins or loses. But what if they win? He will have thrown away a 13-0 season. And what if he never makes a good bowl at Notre Dame? The man isn't Jesus, he can't work miracles. If he does, why don't you go ahead and make Touchdown Kelly on the other side of your stadium?

Fifth, he's been at UC for three years. THREE YEARS. Yes, he brought us here. He helped take the program from one where students could just walk in without a ticket because the idea of selling out Nippert Stadium would cause any UC student, parent, faculty or alum to have an asthma attack from laughing so hard to a program where almost every home game in the 2009 season set a new attendance record at Nippert. But these seniors aren't his seniors. These are the last of Coach Dantonio's recruits. Mardy Gilyard? Dantonio. Tony Pike? Dantonio. He has proven that he can mix his own recruits with some pretty standout inherited recruits, but he hasn't taken his OWN team to a Big East title or a BCS game. Would it have killed him to stick around just a couple more years and prove to everyone that he really is as good as everyone, including him, seems to think? And just think, if he had continued winning like this, taking the Bearcats to BCS bowl games, winning Big East titles, being Coach of the Year in the Big East every year, etc. he could have had all the job offers he could imagine. He probably would have been offered something in the NFL or at least he would have caught the eye of those NFL owners. But as it stands, he's leaving a program that he helped nurture but didn't actually parent and going somewhere where he will be starting over again. What's he going to do, start over every three years? Is this his shtick, he can build a team but he can't maintain one? So what's he going to do with that? Build college football teams all over the country, tell him he will never leave, then ditch them and run because he has commitment issues and do it all over again? Sounds like an awesome life.

Sixth, what makes him think he's any different than any of the other coaches Notre Dame has blown through in the last decade? On ESPN tonight they showed that each of those coaches starts off winning, leading the team to winning seasons and success, but then they flop. So what, you went 12-0 in your last season at UC. Woohoo. Didn't you ever think that maybe it was more than just you? What about all the assistant coaches, the athletic department staff, the athletic directors, the fans and most, of all, the players? They helped build the program, too. Like I said, Brian Kelly is not Jesus. He didn't do it all alone. He wasn't putting his body on the line for his teammates every day and he wasn't faced with the pressure of catching game-winning receptions and making game-turning tackles. He didn't tape up the twisted ankles or ice the swollen joints, massage the tight muscles or fit the braces on the knees of his players. He didn't buy a ticket to watch the game, helping to sell out Nippert and he didn't lead the stadium in the fight song, the alma matter or Down the Drive. (In fact, he never responded to any cheering, even his own name being chanted by the entire student section. Again, that's a whole other subject.) So who's to say Notre Dame isn't going to fire him in 3 years? Oh, what's that excuse you're whining now that you're getting fired after only a few years? You think 3 years isn't enough time to prove yourself? Oh, funny, because you left your job of 3 years before because you thought that your work in those three years proved how good you were. Does that mean that that 12-0 season was a fluke, that we got lucky? I don't think so. Our boys don't deserve the accusation of luck.

And finally, I'm calling you out, Brian Kelly. You thought I was calling you out in the rest of this blog? Wrong. I was merely stating my views and asking some questions, playing out a few scenarios. But here's the part where I illustrate to you just how much of a douche you are. Last year you gave Coach Rodriguez crap for leaving his team high and dry right before their bowl game. Yet here you sit, doing the exact same thing. That, my friend, is called hypocrisy. And you have displayed it to it's finest. You lied. You told your team, the guys who followed you through rain and snow, who trusted you with their futures, their lives, that you would give them the decency of telling them first if you decided to leave. But you didn't. You broke their trust and you went back on your word. And not only did you lie, but you had the nerve to say that our program is built on honesty and integrity and you were glad to be a part of that program? No. I'm sorry, but in one night you showed your true colors and you showed that honesty and integrity mean nothing to you. So that's yet another lie you told. Well good riddance. If our program is built on honesty and integrity, as you say it is, then it's pretty good you're leaving, in my opinion, since you clearly don't possess those attributes. It's too bad, really, because UC would have - and has - given you everything you want. But you threw it all away to go coach some crappy team with too many rules. Good luck with that. Pack your bags and get out of my city.

As always,
T

"Pain is temporary. Pride is forever."

"People don't play sports because its fun. Ask any athlete, most of them hate it, but they couldn't imagine their life with out it. Its part of them, the love/hate relationship. its what they live for. They live for the practices, parties, long bus rides, invitationals, countless pairs of different types of shoes, water, Gatorade, & coaches you hate but appreciate. They live for the way it feels when they beat the other team, and knowing those two extra sprints they ran in practice were worth it. They live for the way they become a family with their team, they live for the countless songs they sing in their head while training all those hours. They live for the competition, they live for the friends, the practices, the memories, the pain, its who they are. It's who we are. WE ARE ATHLETES."
-Adidas

It's Life

You say you don't want to hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown?

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

-Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers

After recent discussions with friends and different events occurring in my own life these lyrics really jumped out at me today and got me thinking. As a girl, I love to be protected, to have a guy in my life who looks out for me, to have that special bond with someone so that when you are standing with them or sitting with them you know they are with you and you have the comfort of their presence. But I'm also very independent. I don't like to be mothered or patronized or overprotected. I can take care of myself and I don't have to depend on anyone because I know who I am and I am capable of getting what I need and where I need to go. That being said, just because I am capable of something doesn't necessarily mean I want to go it alone. There needs to be a balance.

While I appreciate being protected from situations and I understand that you care for me and don't want to see me hurt, you also need to understand that you can't protect me from the world, and you don't need to. Some of the best things in life come from mistakes and without mistakes we have nothing to learn from. It's a necessary part of life.

So yes, I get that you don't want to get me mixed up in your personal issues. I love that you care enough about me to try to keep me out of situations that are tough enough for you to be involved in, let alone me as well. But at some point you have to let me in. While you might be saving me from some sort of harm, you're making it hard for me because I don't want to see you hurt either. I don't know how to help you if you won't be open with me. And I hate to see you hurt just as much as you don't want to see me hurt. Just because you want me to be sheltered from something doesn't mean you have to take the full brunt of a situation yourself. Two is stronger than one, and you can still protect me while letting me help you. Balance. It's the only way to make things work.

On another note, the other thing the lyrics got me thinking about is time. Yes, we have plenty of time in our lives. I'm a slow mover, I like to let things take their course and if they are meant to be, I trust that they will happen. But at some point you have to make a decision. Either you want something or you don't. You either want to be with me or you don't. And yeah, maybe it will hurt you or maybe it will hurt me, but drawing it out longer isn't going to help anyone. Trust me, I've been there. It just hurts more to drag things on. We all hurt, we all inflict pain. It's something everyone has to deal with. So if you have something to say, just say it. Be honest. Sure, I've had my heart broken. But so have millions of billions of other people. We grieve, we get angry, we sulk, and then we suck it up, mend ourselves, and we move on. It's a part of life.

This was sort of random, but I guess that's just how my mind works. Bedtime now.

T

Sick

Being sick really sucks. I went to the doctor yesterday to find out that I have two types of the flu and that I possibly had a mild case of bronchitis that my body fought off. I started feeling better yesterday, went to bed and woke up in the wee hours of the morning with intense ear pain. I've had ear infections all my life, ranging from annoying little aches to once rupturing my ear drum. I never thought I had them that bad, but after talking to my mom today, apparently I did. I woke up this morning and found little spots of blood all over my pillow from where my ear had drained and it really freaked me out, so I got on webmd.com and started looking into it. Hopefully it's just a rupture of a sore (like I said, mom said this happened when I was a kid) and antibiotics will take care of it. Either way, this blows. It's not even just a flu that you throw up a few times, feel crappy, eat some soup and crackers, and a couple days later you're better. No, of course it's me so it can't be that easy. Ugh. I'm off to the doctor to figure out what's wrong with me now. Wonderful.

When I Get Where I'm Going

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
-Brad Paisley, When I Get Where I'm Going

This song came on my Pandora and reminded me just how much I have to be thankful for. The lyrics I posted above are my favorite from the song and I felt they were appropriate.

Even when there are so many negatives and it's so easy to slip into depression and negativity, I need to remember just how much I have to be thankful for. God is always looking out for me and He has a plan for me. I just need to persevere and make it over all these mountains in my way, and in the end it all just makes me stronger.

Thankfully,
T

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Change.

It's a funny thing. It can be good, bad, wonderful, terrible, necessary, unexpected, planned or overwhelming. And when we look back, we realize just how huge of a role it plays in our lives.

Every day we go through change. We change physically, mentally, and emotionally. We mature and we grow and we become weak or strong. So much of change is based on our surroundings and our lifestyles, but so much more of change is based on who we already are. Without change the world would be stagnant and there would be no point in living.

Change can be hard. Why does one new thing have to effect so much else? People so focused on the future that they forget to live in the present. Who cares what will happen down the road? Do what makes you happy and have no regrets. Be someone who can look back on life and realize that while there were a lot of negatives and life threw you quite a few curveballs you survived and it just made you stronger and helped to shape the person you are today. Learn to laugh at yourself or everyone else will always have the upper hand. Be who you are and who you want to be and if you don't like the person you're becoming, do something about it. Initiate your own change. If you never take the risks, you will never reap the rewards. Sure, not all leaps will end happily. There will be tears and there will be pain, but a life without pain isn't a reality. The scrapes and bruises we accumulate along the way are minor distractions in the grand scheme of life.

It's so amazing how change happens. We are so different than we were a few years ago, a few months ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago, or even a few hours ago. We learn from our pasts and we make changes. Most of the time we don't even realize we are changing. We do it subconsiouscly, our natural reaction to whatever happens to us. Life is such a beautiful thing. How crazy is it that we don't have to force ourselves to be different. We learn and we grow. It's awesome.

That's about the extent of my thoughts today.
T

Do I by Luke Bryan

Baby, what are we becoming
It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through the motions everyday
I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that boy I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Remember when we didn’t have nothing
But a perfect simple kind of loving
Baby those sure were the days
There was a time our love ran wild and free
But now I’m second guessing everything thing I see

All At Once by The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

Over You - Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Blessings

This week has been really crappy in a lot of ways. I realized that I literally have no money, as in my bank account overdrew so I have $10 to my name right now. (It's a long story, my own stupidity I suppose, whatever.) I have had tests and papers and stories...all worth significant portions of my grades. This was our first week as an executive board with RallyCats, so I have had to get committee chair applications and structure done. I've been planning the Sigma Sigma carnival booth, price checking promotional items for RallyCats, and my dog has been staying with me all week, which means I have to get up earlier to feed her and take her out and come home more often to check on her. One of my best friends and I have been kind of shaky over the last week, and I have hardly seen or talked to the others. Lots of things have continued to build up inside of me, like a need for companionship and love beyond friendship, the lack of respect I feel from some people, and some other things. I've been so depressed, on the verge of tears, thinking about how much my life sucks because I'm going to have to ask my parents, who don't have a lot of money themselves, to loan me a substantial amount of money, I'm single and getting very sick of it, and wondering what in the world is wrong with me.

Then today I went to Over-the-Rhine to do some interviews for my environmental reporting class. When I was down there, I saw what real poverty is. The volunteers were planting gardens so that the people in the community could have vegetables to eat, cleaning up the garbage so people don't have to live in filth, and I started thinking. Yeah, I don't have any money right now. I'm in debt anyway because of school loans and my parents would love to help me pay for school, but they can't. But I am going to college. I do have family and friends who love me. I never went without as a kid. My parents had very little money, but they made sure my brother and I had everything we needed and most of what we wanted. I got to play premier soccer and my parents paid for uniforms, tournaments, new cleats every year, hotels, and came to all my games. So even though life might suck a little right now and asking my parents for money is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I'm still extremely blessed.

God gave me a pretty awesome life. I have two bad knees, but I can walk. I can still play soccer. I broke my arm pretty badly, but I can still swim and just about anything else. I have no money, but I'm getting a college education. I have a bed to sleep in, a home to live in, food to eat. I have friends and family who are willing to help me out and always support me. And I know He is apparent in even the little ways. After I realized that I had no money in my bank account, I found a $20 bill in my pocket, which has gotten me through this week. I had literally just filled my tank up with gas, and actually had thought about not filling it, just getting like a half a tank, but went ahead and filled it, so I have enough gas that I can drive to work and back tomorrow. My parents are coming through today, so I'll be able to talk to them in person about my problems. I got a check from the university, plus I'll be getting a paycheck from athletics next week and a paycheck from King's Island soon. I'm thankful for all that I have, and even though life is hard an sucks sometimes, I can make it through. People much worse off than me have done it, and I refuse to get beat. Here we go...

In prayer,
T

To the Guys...

I have started and not published so many blogs in the last month. A lot has been going on, but far too much to write about, especially now. But this is something that has been on my mind as of late, and I had a great heart-to-heart with one of the people I respect most, one of my best friends, the other night, and he made me think about some stuff. So here goes...

I love having guy best friends. Love it. I love my boys with all my heart. I love them all for different reasons, whether it be because he makes me laugh, he listens, he gives me the best hugs, he protects me when necessary, he shares my viewpoints...whatever. They are all very special to me, but sometimes being friends with guys is hard. I feel underappreciated sometimes. I feel like I try so hard to make others happy and they don't appreciate it at all. I feel disrespected when things are said around me, even if they aren't directed towards me. I know that at times I'm "just one of the guys" and that's fine, but it is nice to be complimented or treated as a female once in a while. I have thought of some things that guys do that annoy me or I would love to see them do. This isn't just personal, some of them are for all women, and not all of them are directed towards my guy friends. Like I said, they are pretty good guys, even if sometimes they get on my last nerve. So to the guys out there, here's what I, and probably other women, would love.

• Don't ask me if my female friends are "doable." I don't want to think about you "doing" my girl friends and I don't know what you consider "doable" anyway.

• Don't discuss how you would like to "screw" my friends around me, either. Or how you want to "screw" anyone, for that matter. I really don't want to listen to you discuss sex all day.

• Stop asking me "how many beers?" it would take before you were drunk enough to sleep with someone. I DON'T CARE. And I would love to have some respect for you and think you wouldn't sleep with someone you cared nothing about just because you were drunk.
• Please stop talking about how "hot" models and celebrities are and pointing out all the things about them that make them prettier/sexier/better than me. Even if you don't specifically say "she is skinny, you aren't" I know that I'm not, and it still makes me feel like crap. I don't appreciate feeling fat, short, and ugly all the time.
• Thank me once in a while for something. But I don't want you to do it out of obligation. I want to know that you truly appreciate me. And if you don't appreciate me, then please stop hanging out with me, because true friends appreciate each other.
• If my hair looks nice or I have gone out of my way to look good, it wouldn't kill you to compliment me. A simple "your hair looks nice" or "you look cute" or ANYTHING would make me happy. It shows that you notice and that you care at least a little bit about me.
• Stop it with the "women belong in the kitchen" crap. I admittedly do love to cook and bake, and I have told you that I will be happy to cook/bake for you, but not if you insult me while I do it.
• In fact, cut back on the women jokes, period. I'll laugh at them if they are actually funny, but it's overkill to hear it all the time.
• Don't stare at my chest and cleavage when you speak to me. Look me in the eye. Now, I understand that when cleavage is bared, it will be glanced at. Notice how I said GLANCED. I don't really care that much about that, or I would wear turtlenecks. But when you can't tear your eyes away to speak to me or listen to me, I just think you are disgusting.
• Just because you are a male and I am a female does not mean that you know more than me about sports. I love sports and pride myself on knowing quite a bit, and what I don't know I am trying to learn. So stop being so chauvinistic about it.
• Along the same lines, do not insult my loyalty to my sports teams. I have been a Pittsburgh Steelers, Chicago Bears, Pittsburgh Penguins, St. Louis Cardinals, Penn State Nittany Lions, University of Illinois Fighting Illini, and Chicago Bulls fan all my life. Ask my parents, I've rooted for them, born and raised. I do not choose whatever team is doing well that season and I do not choose teams based on "how pretty their colors are" to root for. I respect you for supporting your team through good and bad, even if I don't like your team. Have the decency to do the same for me.
• Hug me once in a while. I love getting hugs from my best friends, and hugs from guys are comforting and make me feel protected. It also shows that you care at least a little bit about me.
• If I seem upset, come talk to me. Ask me if I'm okay. I'll probably say nothing is wrong and I'm fine, but I secretly hope that you will call me out on it and come give me a hug so I can cry on your shoulder. Sometimes all I need is a good cry.
• Just because a female is in a bad mood does NOT mean she is on her period! Stop blaming our emotions on PMS and a menstrual cycle. Other things cause bad moods, you know. We don't blame your bad moods on erections, and if we are on our period and that's why we are in a bad mood, it's not like it's our fault. Most of the time we don't want to be in a bad mood, get upset over small stuff, or be really emotional, but there isn't much we can do to stop it.
• Stop touching yourself. If you itch that bad that you need to scratch it that much, I suggest seeing a doctor, because that's unnatural. I understand that sometimes you need to adjust yourself, and that's okay. But constantly seeing your hand on your crotch just makes me think you are a pervert.
• Also, just for the record, we see when your hand is in your pocket and you are trying to sneakily scratch yourself. You aren't that good at hiding it.
• Please refrain from calling us derogatory names all the time. It really does hurt our feelings.
• There are already too many nicknames for breasts. Please stop coming up with more. They aren't funny, we don't appreciate them, and you could just call them by their actual name.
• If we ask for your opinion on something, take it seriously. It means we care what you think and we want you to be happy. If we ask you if you like our outfit, don't be bland. "It's okay" or "you look fine" is not acceptable. What do you like about it? If you don't like it, tell us, but don't be mean. We ask for your opinion because we trust you and we want to know if we look stupid or not before we go out in public.
• If we give you pet names, it means we like you. If we sweet talk or baby talk to you, it also means we like you. Maybe not like, as in "let's be boyfriend and girlfriend" like, but we do care about you a lot, even as a friend.
• We secretly like using the pouty-puppy-dog face once in a while. It makes us feel cutesy and we think it's adorable that you can't resist it.
• Let us cuddle with you. If we are cold and snuggle up next to you, it means we are comfortable with you and you make us feel protected.
• That being said, it is sweet of you to offer us your jacket or something, but don't be offended if we decline. Sometimes we just don't want it.
• If another male in some way offends or insults us, we love it when you stick up for us or assure us that it's not true, that you think we are better than that.
• We are women, and we love it when you care about us and our protection, but we also want to be independent. Don't be overbearing. If we tell you seriously we want to be left alone, leave us alone. If we want you to come back, we will call you. Don't scare other guys away by hovering over us. There is a difference between being protective and annoying. Sometimes we need to make mistakes in order to learn from them.
• Put the toilet seat down after you pee. It's gross and it really sucks when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and end up with your butt in the toilet bowl. That's sick. So please, PLEASE try and put the seat down?
• Along with that, if you suck at aiming or you splash, please clean it up. It's disgusting when there is dried urine on the toilet.
• Farting is nothing to be proud of. Yes, it is a bodily function, but please do it in private. Go to the bathroom, your bedroom, outside...anywhere away from other people and relieve yourself. It's nasty to make other people smell it and to subject them to that, no matter what gender they are.
• Don't tell us that shaving your face sucks. We have to shave our legs all the time. We get it. It's really not that fair that you get away with a "five o'clock shadow" but you think it's gross when we don't shave our legs for a couple days, so just leave us alone.
• Shut up about how long it takes us in the shower or to get ready. We are girls; we use more products, we (usually) have longer hair to clean, dry, style, etc., shaving our legs takes a while, and we usually have more clothes and options to worry about than you. And if we do take a while to get ready, hopefully we look good, so worry about that instead of how you have been done for "sooo long." We really don't care that you got ready faster, it's pretty normal.
• Also, to follow that up, if you want to go somewhere, give us ample time to get ready. You know we take a while, so plan for it.
• Don't use us to impress your friends. It's so annoying when guys are nice to us when we are alone but jerks in front of their friends so they seem more "manly" or something. You don't have to insult us or objectify us just because your so-called-friends do. Be a real man and stand up for what's right, don't just conform.
• Most of all, just be our friend. We want to love you and hang out with you, spend time with you, and whatnot, so just respect us. We can laugh at jokes, we can have a good time, but it doesn't always have to be at our expense. Listen to us, talk to us, and just be normal.

That's the extent of my thinking for tonight. Time for bed, big weekend ahead of me. I'll try to update sooner, rather than later, this time. Hopefully soonish? We'll see, I guess.

Sleepily,
T

I suck at this.

It has literally been forever since I have been able to blog. I've been super busy and a mess of emotions, so it hasn't been great for being able to blog. I don't have time right now either, as I need to finish my homework and go to bed, so I'll try to update in the next couple of days. A real update.

Loving and laughing,
T

Birthday Blessings

It's been forever. Wow. Well, yesterday I turned 20 and that was fun. I had breakfast with one of my close friends, went to class, and spent the rest of the day at my house getting stuff around, at the grocery store, and then at the baseball game. Then I went to a party for my birthday. My amazing friends made my birthday a pretty awesome, and here are the numerous reasons.
1) My roommate cracks me up. She sticks up for me and my property, and she says some of the funniest things when I really need a laugh. I'm really going to miss living with her, but I know we will continue seeing each other. We have come to the point in our relationship where we are branching off the stuff we were jointly involved with, and it's been kind of rough on us at times, but I think it's good. She is happy where she is, and in turn that makes me happy. I love the smile on her face when she comes back after being with her sorority. It truly makes her feel good, and I think it's great that she found something that makes HER feel that way. I also LOVED the text message I got from her after she left the party last night. I read it and almost teared up because I knew it was heartfelt, and I love her so much. Really, you should meet her.
2) My best guy friends make me smile constantly. They always find a way to make me smile or laugh, and they are pretty awesome in their own right. They put up with some crazy stuff from me, and while they sometimes do some things or say some things that I don't agree with, they have been trying to work on some of them. They could work harder, but they are kind of lazy..haha.
3) My other friends are pretty awesome too. The group who sang to me at Stadium View made the first minute of my birthday pretty good and the singing at the party last night was definitely pretty cool. All the text messages and Facebook messages I got made me feel loved and some of them made me laugh. I really am blessed to be surrounded by some pretty amazing people. My family and friends are pretty awesome.
Alright, I'll stop saying 'awesome' now. Time to get some stuff done.

Thankfully,
T

I say a prayer with every heartbeat...

How Will I Know
by Whitney Houston

There's a boy I know
He's the one I dream of
Looks into my eyes
Takes me to the clouds above
Ooh, I lose control
Can't seem to get enough
When I wake from dreaming
Tell me is it really love

How will I know
(Don't trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know
(Love can be deceiving)
How will I know

[chorus]
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heartbeat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you, what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong, why do I feel weak

Oh, wake me, I'm shaking
Wish I had you near me now
Said, there's no mistaking
What I feel is really love

How will I know
(Don't trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know
(Love can be deceiving)
How will I know

[chorus]
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heartbeat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you, what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong, why do I feel weak

If he loves me, if he loves me not [3x]
Oh, how will I know

[chorus]
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heartbeat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak


That about sums it up.

Singing it away,
T

Whoa.

So, talking to my best girl friend tonight, I started thinking about something that had never really crossed my mind. My other two best friends are guys and I love them to death. I'm protective over them right now as it is. Seriously, I hate this chick who lives next door to me because she chased them down the hall at the very beginning of the year to introduce herself to them and I didn't like it. I don't like when slutty girls or girls I don't approve of hit on them. In fact, I hate it. They are my boys and I don't want to see some skanky girl use them. But what am I going to do when one of them starts dating a girl? What if she breaks his heart? I will not be happy...at all. I couldn't bear to see one of them heartbroken. It would break my heart. Then I would have to hurt whoever hurt them. And not to mention that the whole time he was dating this girl I would probably secretly hate her because I would just be waiting for her to screw up. And even worse, what if one of them starts dating a girl I can't stand?! That would just be awful. Oh man. I'm really upset now. I can't bear to lose the two of them. They are my best friends. They are the ones who make me smile when I'm sad, who calm me down when I'm angry, who talk me through the hard times. I couldn't stand if if I lost our friendship because of some chick. And I definitely couldn't take seeing one of them hurt.

On the flip side, I wonder if they ever think about these things in regards to me? I strongly suspect that they don't. In fact, there's a part of me that thinks that our friendship means more to me than it does to them. I have this little voice inside my head telling me that if something happened and our friendship ended, they would just get over it and move on. But they mean too much to me for me to be able to do that. I really wonder what they would do if a guy broke my heart. Probably nothing. Dang. I wish I knew what they felt. I wish I knew what things meant to them. Ugh.

It's really hard caring for someone more than they care for you. It hurts my heart. And I'm talking on a larger scale now. I'm pretty sure the guy I like has no feelings for me beyond friendship, and that just makes me hurt. But I would rather see him happy, I guess, and if he's not happy with me then I can't hold him back.

Wow. This entry got really depressing. I'm going to bed before I work myself into a crying fit.

Thoughtfully and protectively,
T

I don't miss you, I miss the idea of you

So, I was just reading a friend's blog and commenting on hers, and it kind of got me thinking and inspired to write this one.

Alright, here's the story in a nutshell:
I was kind of dating a guy at the end of my senior year of high school, but we were never officially in a relationship. There were a lot of factors as to why we never started dating. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship before, so we were both kind of scared and nervous. I was too caught up in stupid high school gossip and the fact that everyone was talking about us and I cared too much what other people thought about us, and I let that get in the way of my feelings. The other problem I had was that he was going to college on the East coast, and I was going to be here in the Midwest. I didn't want to start a relationship with someone who was going to be so far away. I mean, I wouldn't have even seen him on weekends. Plus, we were going to college, we would be meeting tons of new people, and I didn't think it would be a good situation for either of us to have the other someplace else. Towards the end of the summer, a couple of his friends (guys, of course) told him that I was "using him" and that I never had any intention of dating him, so he should just cut things off with me. I found this absurd because it was impossible for me to have been using him as we never went on actual dates where he paid and we never even kissed! So then he completely stopped talking to me, which was just immature.

He came up here for his fall break of our freshman year of college because a lot of our friends go to school here or around here, so we all just met up. At about 4am, we walked together to his car, just the two of us. We held hands and then I pulled him around to face me and told him that I couldn't do it..either we couldn't see each other or talk to each other ever, or he had to stop giving me the cold shoulder, because it was stupid. He said ok, and we moved on.
Over Christmas break, a bunch of us went sledding. My high school best friend and his best friend went, and it was kind of awkward between us at first, but then we started throwing snowballs and sledding and stuff, and loosened up. We were flirty and just had a lot of fun. We went back to my best friends house, and we all curled up on the couches together with hot chocolate, and we ended up cuddling up together. A week or so later, the four of us were hanging out and watching movies and we laid on the couch together. The last day I was home before going back to school, just the two of us went out to dinner. I grew up and stopped caring what people were saying or thinking, and it was a lot of fun.

Over the next several weeks, we talked a lot. Text, AIM, Facebook, and calls. Then I got really busy with midterm week and preparing for a trip, so about a week went by without us talking. I got back from my trip to Washington D.C. and logged on to Facebook, only to see that he is now in a relationship.

Wait, WHAT?!

I was crushed. To make matters worse, he imed me that night and acted like nothing was wrong. I told him about my trip, blah blah. Then he was like "oh, and I'm dating this really great girl right now, I'm pretty happy." Seriously?

Even to this day, I get a little jealous in my Facebook stalking when I see comments from other girls on his wall or pictures of him and other girls. But I realized today that it's not HIM I miss, it's the idea of him.

I loved having someone that was always there for me, who always cared about me. I loved cuddling on the couch, or sprawling across his lap while he played video games. I loved that he tickled me just enough that it wasn't torture but I laughed. I loved not having to go places alone and I loved having someone to text when I was having a bad day. I miss all of that. But I don't miss him, really. I mean, I miss our friendship, but it obviously wasn't meant to be. I just want all those feelings back.

In some ways, I feel those things about [an]other guy[s] now. I get that buzzy nervous feeling when I come in contact with him. I get butterflies when our hands even touch, let alone when they are clasped together. When I smell that certain scent that I associate with him, his smell, I can't help but take a deep whiff and smile a little. I sit across the room and can't help but look at his attractive physical features. Getting texts or calls from him usually brightens my day a little. But I want it to be something more. I want to be able to look at a guy and know that we share a special bond, that we have something more than just friends. But I want to keep that buzzy feeling and those butterflies in my stomach. I want that smell to remind me of someone I love and I want to openly check him out from across the room because he's mine and I can. So even though I have had the opportunity to get some of those things back, those guys didn't give me the buzzy feeling. My fingers didn't tingle as they brushed those guys' arms, I didn't have the urge to just curl up under a blanket on the couch and cuddle with them. I knew in my heart that they weren't right, and it's not fair to use a guy just to have that security.

I just want those feelings back, I want to be happy, and I want to finally find a guy that was worth the wait and the heartbreaks. I want to be loved and love in return.

I just don't know who he is or where to find him, if he's already in my life and he's right in front of my face and I just haven't seen it or if I have yet to meet him.

We'll see, I guess. You never know what the future will bring.

Looking,
T

Leadership

So, I've really needed to write for a while, but I don't really know where to start.

"Attitude reflects leadership."
-Remember the Titans

Something I have been thinking a lot about recently is leadership. I really want to take on a leadership role in an organization that I'm in, but I want to make sure that I'm right for the job. I have been really frustrated lately with some of the leaders in the groups that I am in, and after hearing the negative feedback and seeing the negative reactions to them, I want to make sure I don't end up in the same position. I know that over the last couple of years I have grown as a person, but over the last few months I really feel like I've grown as a leader. As a committee chair, I'm very proud of having the largest committee in my organization. Sure, it makes me a little egotistical that people join my committee and stay in my committee instead of going to the others. I love my committee, they are always willing to help me out and I try to respect them and show them gratitude when they do help.

The way I see it, leadership is about balance. It's not a dictatorship, it's a democracy. There has to be a balance between the leader saying "this is how it's going to be" and giving the general members what they want. Being a leader means being able to compromise and having the ability to look past what's best for their self and instead what is best for the group as a whole. Strong leaders know how to be present and invisible, all at the same time. They are there to keep people organized and to make sure things run smoothly, to ensure that the members of the organization are keeping it going. It's not their job to run the group singlehandedly, but to motivate the members to do their part. They shouldn't always be hovering, barking orders, or demanding things be done their way. Good leaders don't demand respect, they earn it. They realize and acknowledge their downfalls and mistakes, but they also recognize their strengths. They learn from constructive criticism and they adjust accordingly. They have to lead by example and learn how to set aside differences. Leaders can't expect their followers to do something if they don't and they have to get past personal agendas and biases to focus on the good of the group as a whole. Not to say that they aren't entitled to their personal opinions, but there is a time and a place for those issues to be taken care of, and it's not in front of a group. Being able to see when things aren't working and trying to change them is important too. Recognizing that people are unhappy or that something isn't working out is a quality that a good leader must have. A good leader must also be able to be in command and have a vision of the past, the present, and the future. While we shouldn't dwell on the past and past mistakes and failures, it is important not to just dismiss them either. People need to learn from their mistakes and see what went wrong the first time, what can be improved upon, and what can be done differently. The past is an important part of the present and the future if it is evaluated correctly and is an important learning device. Obviously, a leader being able to recognize what is happening in the present is vital to the survival of any organization. A leader should be able to see what is and isn't working and immediately make adjustments. Finally, a good leader must also be able to look ahead to the future. If something is going to harm the organization in the long run, it is obviously not a good idea. Leadership is all about balancing, adjusting, learning.

I really want to be a good leader. I think that in some ways, I am. I also think that I have a lot of things to work on to be the kind of leader that I want to be. I want people to be able to look up to me and to at least say that I gave it my all, even if things don't work out. I'm really nervous, but also really excited about the opportunities I think I am going to have in a couple of months. I hope that even if I don't accomplish my goal and get the position I want, that I can learn from it and earn another position.

Another aspect of leadership I have been thinking about is the leadership that I am currently under. I feel like some of the leaders I deal with on an almost daily basis lack certain aspects of being a good leader. As I mentioned above, personal agendas and vendettas need to be checked at the door. Things that are discussed in private forums, arguments that occur between fellow leaders, anything like that, needs to be checked at the door. There is an air of negativity that surrounds meetings and events, and while people might try to pretend it doesn't exist, it's there. Executive members might not see what's happening but members sense the uncomfortable air and the lack of devotion of the leaders. It's present and instead of addressing it, people just turn their heads to it and try to act like it doesn't exist. There is a severe lack of respect for leadership for various different reasons, many of which are fairly personal and way to detailed to get into now, but the problems aren't being addressed. Leadership is taking the angle that if people don't like it, they can move on. The problem is, people are moving on, and it's working negatively towards the goals and ideals of the organization. Good leaders would recognize this and take the measures necessary to correct it, but the dedication just isn't there for some people. It's gone on way too long, and while people are starting to acknowledge the changes now, it's too late to change what has happened. Hopefully things will get better, but only time will tell.

Hoping things are looking up,
T

Well, crap.

I just wrote and deleted an entire blog. It was pretty pointless and stupid, and I could not get across the point that I was trying to make so it just got very long and wordy and useless. Argh.

I wish I could get some of the thoughts in my head wrangled up and put them down here, but right now they are coming out all jumbled and mixed up. Hopefully I'll be able to sort it all through tomorrow.

For now I guess I'll just leave you with this...


I'd Lie by Taylor Swift

I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes

He'll never fall in love
He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all his favorite songs

And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the Seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him..
I'd lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on?
Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long?

He sees everything in black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine

I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the Seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him..
I'd lie

He stands there, then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breath for you

He'd never tell you, but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up and pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Oh, and he kills me
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him..
If you ask me if I love him..
I'd lie

So true.

Sorting it out,
T

It's Who I Am

Yeah, yeah, I know I've written these blogs about my friends before. But tonight I talked to all four of my best friends, plus a good friend from high school, and it just brought some things to mind.

First of all, as I've mentioned before, I love that age doesn't matter. My best girl friend is a freshman, but she is one of the most mature people I have ever met. She doesn't let me be whiny and she makes me see things from a different perspective. She makes me laugh and she makes me cry (in a good way) and I'm seriously so blessed to have found her. One of my best guy friends is a 6th year. He is an amazingly perfect combination of an older brother, a best friend, and role model. He protects me and teases me like an older brother, has fun and hangs out with me as a best friend, and gives me advice and generally just sets a good example as a role model. Like I told both of these people tonight, I can't exactly pinpoint when they crossed that line of being a good friend to being considered a best friend, but I am so glad they did.

Second, I was hanging out with my other two best friends tonight, and I was sitting in their room and all of a sudden it just hit me how much I love them. They are so random, weird, and hilarious, they always have me laughing. One of them was one of my first friends here in college, and we have both changed a lot, but we have only grown closer. I love the looks we share across a room, when we make eye contact and know what the each other is thinking. The other one is always willing to listen to me and even though he can come off as being less than caring sometimes, deep down I know he is a sweetheart, and one day when he finds the perfect girl for him, I hope she sees it too. I really can't express what a huge impact they have had on my life.

Third, I was talking with a friend from high school tonight, and it was totally worth putting off my paper for another hour. I really miss her, and a few other select friends from high school. It's so sad to me that we are all so absorbed in our lives apart that we essentially forgot the connections we had with each other. I haven't spoken to my high school best friend in months, and it truly makes me sad. I miss her a lot, but the sad thing is, I don't know what to say to her. We are so behind in each other's lives that I doubt she knows who I have a crush on anymore, she doesn't know about the guys I've hung out with, she doesn't know about my friends I have met this year, and I really just don't know what I would say. And that sucks more than not talking to her, the whole wanting to but not knowing what to say. Argh.

My friends are my legs when I can't stand on my own and my arms when I need to find a way out. They are the ones who catch me when I fall, who grab my hand when I'm blinded by other things and lead me to safety. My friends are an arm around the shoulders when I need support, a shoulder to cry on when I'm upset, a hand to hold when the world gets too scary, a body to hug when I just need to know that someone is there. They mean the world to me, and I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

The culmination of all of this is that I have realized how blessed I am. I'm so lucky to be able to live the life that I do, that I can practice my religion, have my own political beliefs, and I can pursue my dream to be a sportswriter. I'm lucky that I had parents who encouraged me to be who I am and to follow my dreams, who told me I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I'm lucky to have a support system around me that lets me bend but not break, that strengthens me when I am weak. My goals have changed, but I think I've finally settled on what I want to do with my life.

I want to graduate with a Bachelor's in Journalism, a minor in English. I want to get my Master's in education. I want to teach high school English and journalism classes, perhaps oversee the school paper, and coach the women's soccer team. Then, I want to be a sports writer. My dream is to write for Sports Illustrated, but we will see. I want to write at least one novel, in not more. I want to start a women's sports magazine. Then, when I'm older and hopefully people know my name, I want to start my own sports bar, where men and women both feel welcome, the food tastes homemade and the TV's always show a variety of sports.

Maybe I'll accomplish my goals, maybe I won't. But at least I have a direction now. I know who I want to be, I know what I want to do, and I have the resources to do anything I put my mind to. My friends will be there to support me, and I'm excited to go on this journey with them. It's been great so far, I can only hope it gets better.

Thinking positively,
T

Spontaneity

I'm really sick of being rational. I'm tired of playing it safe and be the cautious one. I don't want to be the one who sits on the sidelines babysitting my friends in case they get too rowdy anymore. I want to throw my inhibitions to the wind and let loose, free myself and just let go. I want to stop thinking about the consequences and I want to have the courage to go after the things I want. I want to stop thinking of the negatives and think about the positives. I want to open my mouth and say the things that need to be said but I've been too scared to. I want to stand up for myself and my friends better than I have. I want the courage to be able to walk up to a guy and tell him exactly how I feel and not fear rejection. I want to find the guy I've been waiting for, because it hurts too much to sit here and dream about it anymore. I want to pursue my dreams, accomplish my goals, and live my life to the best of my ability. I'm not who I want to be. I let some people walk all over me, over and over again like a throw rug. I don't stand up for myself or my friends because it's just easier to let it drop. I don't defend myself because I would rather just get yelled at than start some stupid conflict. I'm really getting tired of all of this.

I want to be spontaneous. I want to walk up to a guy and tell him exactly how I feel, lay all my cards out on the table. I want to be able to give up my heart again, to push back that fear and stop caring what other people say and think. I want to overcome my fear of commitment and rejection. I want to find a guy who will prove to me that the risk is worth it. I want to stop finding ways to stop myself from doing, saying, and getting what I want. I want to feel better about myself as a person and physically. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.

I don't want to have regrets.

I'm really having some difficulty figuring myself out lately. I'm scrambling to find ways to make everyone happy and it's becoming a sacrifice of my own happiness. I'm miserable right now in a lot of ways, and even though I'm well aware that I have SO much to be thankful for, I just can't get myself out of this rut. I've been a mess all week, and I just can't take it anymore. Something has to change. Something will change.

Finding myself,
T

I know I've written about my best friends before and how amazing I think they are, but tonight just kind of reaffirmed it for me.
Two of my best friends are the craziest, weirdest, and most hysterical people I have ever met. They can ALWAYS make me smile, no matter what. They say some of the stupidest things, but I love them to death for it. If I'm having a crappy day they somehow find a way to make me laugh. I was talking to one of them last night when we were supposed to be studying and we started talking about all the factors that led us to be friends. One is a transfer student who spontaneously decided to go to UC. I probably wouldn't have met him had I not already been friends with the other one, whom I probably wouldn't have gotten so close to except he happened to walk out of his door the same time I did the first day on campus. It's so crazy how these things work. I'm so thankful to have them both in my life, and I don't know if they will ever know just how much they mean to me. If I tried to tell them, they would get all weird. They don't really do sentimental, although they have been getting better.
One of my best friends is a 24 year old senior. One of my best friends is an 18 year old freshman. This is what I love about college. Age doesn't matter. The 24 year old is like an older brother figure, but also more like a best friend. It's hard to describe our relationship. He is a great guy, and I can only hope to one day find a guy a lot like him to date. In all honesty, he is one of the all around greatest guys I've ever met. The 18 year old is a perfect friend for me. She lets me be upset, she lets me vent, and if I'm upset about something legit she has my back. If I'm just being whiny, she lets me get it out then knocks me back to reality. I've only known her for a few months, but she quickly became one of my best friends. I'm so thankful I met her, and so thankful for her friendship. I can only hope that our friendship continues to get stronger. (I know you are reading this, so thanks. I love you, babe!)
I have some other best friends, but these are the ones who needed the shout outs tonight. They are the ones who have done stuff for me recently and have helped me. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Lovingly,
T

Dear Head and Heart, Please get on the same page. Love, T

I'm all kinds of messed up right now. My head is spinning and my mind is all over the place. I can't organize my thoughts and I can't think straight. I am really having a hard time understanding a lot of things right now, and I need to sort through some stuff.

First of all, I have been single for basically forever. I've been involved in relationships that could have almost been considered dating type relationships, but I've never officially crossed that line to call someone my "boyfriend" or to be called someone's "girlfriend." Yeah, it really bothers me sometimes, and I'm extremely afraid of commitment. But sometimes I'm proud. I'm waiting for someone who will treat me right, who is everything I want in a man, and who I can see myself with in the future. There have been some guys that I have "hung out with" or whatever, but I just can't see myself with them. I mean, they are great guys and in some cases I can't even find any real faults with them, but if my heart's not in it, it's not fair to me and it's really not fair to the guy. And they don't deserve to be treated like that. Like I said, they are great guys. But the other thing that gets me is that I don't get what guys see in me. Granted, I've really only had like 3 guys express interest in me, but I don't know what they see. I don't think I'm physically attractive, I'm not skinny, I'm short with thick legs, I hate my freckles, I'm not all that intelligent, I have a terrible temper and I generally speak only in sarcasm. In all honesty, I don't get it. And I'm scared. What if I'm a terrible kisser? I mean I wouldn't know since I haven't kissed all that many guys. It's weird to think about, but it's true. I don't know, maybe I'm just strange. Whatever.

Second, I really don't know how to read some people. There are some people that I can read like a book, I know their emotions and I can tell when they are happy or sad, even if they aren't making it obvious. But there are some people that I don't know what is going on inside their heads. I don't know how they feel about things and I don't know what they want, and it bothers me. I don't have the courage to say something to someone unless I know they somewhat reciprocate. To put it straight, I'll just state that yes, I am talking about a guy. And the more time that goes by, the more I really think that I see something more in him than just friends. It's not just physical attraction, but also personality. Don't get me wrong, this guy meets my moral standards and also my physical preferences which is an added plus. But I have no clue what he is thinking and people can tell me to just say something to him all they want, but it's not going to happen. I put my heart out there once and all I got was hurt. I can't put myself through that again, especially not with someone that I feel strongly about. And the other thing is that I can't lose this person as a friend. I would rather have him as a friend and learn to deal with my feelings than to freak him out and lose him.

Oddly, I feel the exact opposite about other people. There are some people that I just can't bear to hang out with, because I feel so bad that I don't feel the same way about them. I want so badly for people to be able to understand where I'm coming from without me trying to explain it poorly. I guess it's that I didn't realize how strong my feelings for the guy mentioned above were until after I had already started hanging out with another guy. And then I was all messed up because there was absolutely no logical reason for me to stop seeing the second guy. I don't even know if the other guy sees me as anything other than as a friend! I want people to understand that I entered into this thing very open to wherever the relationship would lead and I thought I had some type of feelings for that person, but then the other feelings hit me, and stronger. And I don't know what to do, because any way that all of this goes, someone is going to get hurt and I don't want that to happen, not to me but especially not to either of these guys. They are both great and they don't deserve to be hurt, especially not by someone as messed up as I am.

I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I know that we can't really help who we love, but I wish I could. I wish I could see the nice guy that I know has feelings for me as something more than a friend, but I just can't. And I can't deny my heart, even if it hurts like hell at some points. What seems right in my head seems so wrong in my heart, and what seems so right in my heart seems impossible in my head. I'm so lost, and more than ever I just need to be true to myself because I can't afford to lose who I am. I'll keep pushing through, and hopefully in the end everything will work itself out.

The other thing that is really bothering me right now is other people's thought processes, or lack thereof. I cannot understand what is going through some people's minds that they could possibly think that the things they are saying and doing are even remotely OK. I'm beyond frustrated with people, and I'm hurt that they don't see what they are doing wrong, do not see how what they are doing is killing me. I'm really starting to realize who my true friends are, and I'm so blessed to have them. KA, BA, AV, RP, BM, GW, RR, NS, BR, KP...you guys mean the world to me. I'm not putting your names, but if you read this and you see your initials then I'm probably talking about you. I know that no matter what, I have some loyal friends who will stick with me and back me up. And I hope they all know that I will do the same for them. I'm praying I figure these things out, that in time God will show me where I'm going and what to do. I know that when the time is right, He will show me what's up, but it's so hard to wait, and I'm not patient with anything. Argh.

Pensively in thought,
T

This is how I feel...

Baby you're a wrecking ball
Crashing into me
Nothing I can do but fall
Piece by piece
You broke down every part of me
That ever thought I would never need you, baby

It's twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It's crazy, but so what
I might never understand it
I'm caught up and I'm hanging on
I'm gonna love you, even if it's wrong

Everybody's telling me
I'm over my head
But they don't feel you lovin me
They all say
I've gone crazy
Maybe, but its too late to save me
I'm too tangled

It's twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It's crazy but so what
I may never understand it
I'm caught up and I'm hanging on
I'm gonna love you even if its wrong

Even if its twisted, yeah

Maybe its not right
But that's alright
Yeah, its alright tonight

It's twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It's crazy but so what
I may never understand it

It's twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It's crazy but so what
I may never understand it
I'm caught up and I'm hanging on
I'm gonna love you even if its wrong

Even if its twisted
Even if its just a little bit
Just a little bit
Just a little twisted yeah
It's twisted
Yeah

Twisted - Carrie Underwood

FIFA 09 and Rascal Flatts

I'm sitting in my brother's room as he and some roommates and friends are playing FIFA 09 on the PS3, writing a blog. I have no interest to learn to play this game, and it's not that interesting to watch, to be honest. So I'm sitting in the corner on my brother's laptop fixing my blog up some and thinking of new stuff to write.

Lately I've been thinking about opportunities and regret. Everyone always says "live in the now, live for today" yada yada. I wholeheartedly agree for the most part, but then again I also believe that we need to think about our futures. I don't want to look back and see wasted opportunities. I've had too much of that already from high school, I don't want college to be the same. I want to take advantage of all the opportunities I'm given and I want to acheive something great. I definitely don't want to live in the past. What has happened has happened, and I want to move on. I'm ready for something new in life, whether it be in the form of a new activity, someone new in my life, or anything. I just want that feeling of discovery and curiosity, that feeling when you are on the verge of being completely lost but the drive to discover something new overrides it. That excitement of something unlike anything else you've experienced and that nervous joy that runs all through your body, that makes your hands and feet jumpy with anticipation and your stomach flutter. That's what I want to experience. I feel so trapped right now in a lot of ways, but I also know that there are ways for me to escape, and I'm going to take them.

I really don't have any other deeper thoughts right now, so I'm going to leave the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, the one that inspired my tattoo.

Waiting for that feeling,
T

No Reins by Rascal Flatts

She left that loser in a dust cloud
Heart in his hand, chin on the ground
Cried her last tear for that clown
She can see a little clearer now
She said, "Oh, oh, I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

No reins

All she's ever felt is held back
She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh"
She's gonna do a lot more of that
She's makin' plans and makin' tracks
She said, "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

Oh, oh she's learnin' how to let go
Oh, oh whichever way the wind blows
Oh, oh she's learnin' how to let go

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody-no reins

No reins 

It's Love

Thinking about who I am...
I love God. I am proud to be a Christian and I love being a church camp counselor. My friends are amazing. They always make me laugh and they keep me strong when I feel weak. I love my family to death. My mom is one of my best friends and I am a total daddy's girl. I admire my older brother for everything that he is that I am not and also everything that I am that he is not. I am obsessed with soccer. Playing it, coaching it, watching it, reffing it; I love it all. Playing soccer is my release. The soccer field is the one place in this world where I am always confident and I never worry about not knowing what to do. I love lacing up my cleats and walking out onto the field, I love making assists and I love scoring goals. Something about soccer just always feels right to me. I am addicted to football. I bleed black and gold for the Steelers and red and black for the Bearcats. I always wanted to play hockey and I find it fascinating. Sidney Crosby is he most graceful man in hockey skates, I swear. Sports in general are my life. I want to make a living writing about them. I could read all day and not be tired of it. I've always had a passion for writing, which is why I combined it with my passion for sports to make my major. I love taking pictures and I would really like to get into photography. Making people laugh is my favorite. I love to dance. I may not be the greatest at it, but it's fun. I like singing, even though I'm terrible at it. I especially like singing at the top of my lungs while I'm driving. Cranking up the music and dancing around my room is how I wake myself up in the morning. Driving is relaxing to me, and I love it. People told me when I was 16 that I would grow out of my love for driving, but they were wrong. I like to swim, in both senses of the word. I just love being in the water. I'm addicted to texting and proud of it. I'm a damn good baker and I make really good chocolate chip cookies from scratch. Frozen pizzas are my weakness. I love buying gifts for people because I like to see their faces when they know I picked something out just for them. I like tall men. Seriously, like 6'3" to 6'5". I also like men with a good chest and stomach, and big hands. I love Mustang cars. I love cars in general. If I could afford it I would have as many cars as Jay Leno. I love my tattoo and I love all my piercings. I love food, but I'm a picky eater. I'm addicted to Diet Coke, but I'm getting better. I love animals, especially dogs. I want lots of dogs. I love kids and working with them, which is one reason I love being a camp counselor so much. I love late night phone calls and "good morning" text messages. I love making eye contact with one of my best friends, not saying a word, and just cracking up laughing because we know what each other is thinking. I love snow. I love rain, when I don't have to walk in it to class or something. Playing soccer on a cool, rainy day is my absolute favorite. I love funny movies and I love to laugh. Cuddling up on a couch in between my two best friends to watch a movie is a great way to spend an evening.

This is me. This is what I love. Sure, there are lots of things that I don't like, but I'm thinking positively for now. I'll try to update again tomorrow, the blog is already forming in my mind...

Until next time,
T

Intimidation factor.

It's been a couple days since I've written a real blog, partly because I had so many thoughts going on inside my head and I didn't know how to express some of them or didn't want them to pop up in this thing and partly because I have been super busy. There are just some things that just need to stay in my head right now, ya know? Plus I added another meeting per week in accepting the ROAR Vice President of Communications position, mixed with regular ROAR meetings, RallyCat meetings, RallyCat exec meetings, and Committee Chair meetings plus classes and homework. It's been crazy.

Today a friend told me that I can be intimidating. I guess I could kind of see that in a way, but then again I don't know. I mean I'm not the kind of girl who can walk up to a guy and be like "hey, you're cute and I like you, ok?" I never have been, I probably never will be. I'm scared as hell of rejection. In some ways I'm even more scared of commitment. I'm so afraid that I will never be enough, that I will never measure up. I feel like my flaws are always so exposed and I feel like I'm never good enough. I don't know, maybe it comes from years of being single, maybe it comes from the one time I came close to having a great relationship and what happened then. I don't really know. All I know is that apparently I'm intimidating. This is like the third guy friend who has told me this. Maybe I should take a hint? But I'm not going to change who I am...so whatever. I don't know. I guess maybe when I lose my temper I'm scary, but in all honesty I don't lose it very often. Whatever. I have been thinking about intimidation lately myself. I got to thinking the other day about my friends. All my best friends are guys. I have a lot of guy friends in general. And as much as they tease me and give me crap I know they love me and I know that at least a few of them are protective over me. I would not want to be the guy who pisses off the redhead with the temper, her older brother, and her best friends who happen to be men. So, I guess I can see it. In some ways.

The rest of what I need to say can't be said here. It's much too personal and I just really don't need the internet to see my thoughts, so I'm going to quit while I'm still sane and get some sleep.

Lost in the clouds,
T

::EDIT::
I'm posting these lyrics because...well..they are amazing and I have been listening to this song nonstop the past few days. Read them. Download the song. It's worth it.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance.... I hope you dance..........

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin',
Don't let some Hell bent heart leave you bitter,
If you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance.... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.... I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance.... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.... I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.... I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
and wonder where those years have gone.)

I'm so not ready for this. I am confused from all angles. I don't know what I'm supposed to do yet, but I guess I'll just give it some time. Everything happens for a reason, right?

Thoughtfully,
T

Busy Bee.

I really wish I had time to write right now, as I have much to say. However, I have to do my English homework. Maybe I'll get on tomorrow at some point?

Dancing in the moonlight,
T

I've been really frustrated lately. People have been getting on my last nerve and I don't really know why. These are people who are some of my best friends. I don't know why, but it just seems like everything they are saying has been hitting me wrong, and I'm just getting extremely irritated. And it's stuff that they have always done. Hell, I'm getting on my own nerves. It's just this weird experience, and I don't like it. I don't know what's wrong...ugh. I feel like everything is just..off. Like slightly crooked, so I'm looking at everything with my head cocked to one side and it's just throwing everything off. I also feel like everyone talks about everyone else behind their backs,a nd it's getting old. And I mean seriously, if you are going to talk about someone behind their back at least have the intelligence and decency to not make it obvious. That kind of defeats the purpose, don't you think? I'm not condoning it anyway, so whatever. I can't deal with this anymore.

Biding my time,
T

Seriously?

Today I was sitting in church and I started thinking. God is truly amazing, you know? I mean, I am completely and totally fascinated by everything He has created. The human body itself is just mind blowing. The way everything works, how you can move all your limbs independently and not have to focus on one thing. "Move right finger." It's not like that. It's so beautiful and complicated and intricate and I am just absolutely amazed at how truly AWESOME God is. And how cool is it that we get to live this life on Earth and continue living eternally with Him in Heaven? AAHH! It's so overwhelming! And I'm just so completely blessed to have such a good life, to have an amazing family around me, and to be able to do the things I do. I'm so lucky to have so many terrific people in my life. My friends and my family, my family who are my friends and my friends who are my family. I know life can be so depressing sometimes, and sometimes I get really down about things. But I'm on a God high today, and I am just filled with the brilliance of the Spirit. I thank God that He has given me the capacity to dream, the curiosity to wonder, and the drive, initiative, and ability to accomplish my goals, pursue my dreams, and discover new things. I can't even explain how positively ECSTATIC I am that I am a child of God and that I get to live my life for Him. It's just so...AWESOME.

Alright, that's pretty much it for today. For now. Who knows, I might write more later, right? We'll see.

Living it and loving it,
T

I'm dropping biology. I asked my professor if I should, and he was like "yes." Soo...I am. Which is good I guess. Whatever, I'm over it.

Moving on...

I don't like this weird feeling that I have. It's like I don't even understand myself. I have these weird feelings and conflicting thoughts and it's seriously like World War III inside my head right now. My head is saying one thing, my heart is saying another. Then my heart is ready to concede and my head is like "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! YOU CAN'T GIVE UP NOW!" So then my heart is like "Good point, I'm holding strong." Then they go back to hating each other and battling it out. See, it doesn't make sense to anyone because it's that complicated and retarded. Stupid head and stupid heart. I wish I could control either one. I want to follow my heart, but my head is saying it's a futile attempt and I should just give up. But my heart is saying that I can't give up, because I know that when I give up, that's when something will happen. ARGH.

I wish I could explain myself. Or someone else could explain me to me. I'm just a mixed up jumble of thoughts and words, floating around with internal conflict and hoping I manage to make it out of here with only a few scrapes and bruises.

Whatever floats your boat,
T

Text Messages and Hand Signals.

So I was going to write this blog about my friends again, since the one last night wasn't a complete thought. I was going to write about each of them individually and say why they are amazing and mean so much to me. But then, I was talking to a friend tonight and I realized that I couldn't be completely honest with some of my feelings towards some of my friends on here. Some of them don't know exactly their place in my life, and I don't think I'm ready for them to know, or anyone else for that matter. So since I want this blog to be as honest as possible, I'm just going to not write the original blog. Maybe I'll get the guts to write it sooner or later, but for now I don't want to really lay myself on the line. I wish I had the nerve, but I don't. So alas, I'll settle for a night of texting my best friends, some of whom were in the same room, making crazy hand signals that no one else understands, and reliving great moments that led to amazing memories. Maybe I'll write more later, maybe not. I don't know. I feel...weird. Off to the boys' room.

Until pigs fly,
T

WWE belts and The Notebook.

Pretty much, I love my friends. I love that a fake, plastic WWE Championship belt put a huge smile on one of my best friends' faces and he is almost 20. I love that three of my best friends, who happen to be guys, were watching The Notebook together and they all like that movie. I love that my roommate and I don't have to say a word, just share a glance, and can crack up laughing. I love that we all tease each other, but at the end of the day we all love each other. I love that, even if they won't say it out loud, I know my boys have my back. I love how my best friends see me at my worst and still hang out with me. They have seen me cry, they have seen me laugh. They have seen me angry, they have seen me happy, and they have seen me sad. They have seen me pout and they have seen me beg. They have seen me in sweats, in my pajamas, in athletic clothes, school clothes, and dresses. They have played football with me. They have played Guitar Hero with me. We've watched chick flicks, horror movies, comedies, and action movies. They have comforted me when I was upset, made me laugh and told me I would be alright. They have pushed me to tears, but apologized afterwards. They have listened to me worry, they have listened to me rant. They have sat through my rambling while I was trying to figure myself out. They have hugged me when I needed it most, given me the advice I needed to hear, but not always wanted. They have been there for me as I have discovered who I am, and they have accepted me. Basically, my best friends are the most amazing people in the world. I am so lucky to have such awesome people around me. They make me a better person, they show me that I am human, and they let me live my life. If any of you are reading this, I love you, and thanks for everything.

See you on the flip side,
T

Thanks, biology.

So today I realized that the biology class I'm in is wrong. Joy. So I need to drop it and pick up another one. I still don't understand why I have to take 15 credit hours of a stupid Natural Science when I'm a Journalism major. Whatever. I haven't dropped a class at college yet, so this is new for me. But oh well, it should be cool, I guess. On another note, I'm really not a fan of my Women's Studies class. I find it to be mildly hypocritical and just kind of obnoxious. But I'm going to stick it out because I feel like I'm supposed to be there for some reason. Go me.

I really don't have much to say today. I'm starting to get stressed about classes, which kind of sucks since it's only the third day. However, I think this quarter should be good, I'm excited to see what all is going to happen.

I suppose I'll update when I have something more interesting to say?

Until the cookie crumbles,
T

In the Beginning...

I have no clue how to start this. I just typed and deleted like 5 different opening lines to this blog, but none of them were right. See, I've started this blog because I really need an outlet for myself, and the best way is to write. (Hence why I'm a journalism major.) Anyway, I want to have a blog that is just...me. I don't want it to be a cliche and I don't want it to be pointless. I want it to have meaning but I don't want to preach. I guess this is going to be a little experiment, so I suppose if anyone is reading this, you are invited along for the ride and I'll see where I end up. My goal is to just write anything and everything that pops into my head and just let myself go. Hopefully it will be cool in the end, but I guess if not it will at least give me a little more insight into who I am. Here goes nothing...

I've been thinking a lot recently about relationships, or lack thereof. I'm getting older, almost 20, and I have yet to have dated someone seriously. In some ways, I'm proud of that because I know that I'm holding out for someone that I know is right. In other ways it really bothers me. It's kind of depressing to be 20 and to have never had a real first kiss (not counting when I was 5, that's so not real.) But then again, back to the first thought, I want that first kiss to be truly memorable. I want it to be with someone that I won't regret later in life. I want it to be for the right reasons, and not just for the sake of it. But on a larger scale, the whole dating thing is just so complex that I don't even know where to begin. I guess it all starts with my personal views on dating, which are very old fashioned. I believe that you should know someone as a friend before you should date them and consider them your girlfriend or boyfriend. I also believe that you date with intent to marry. I'm not delusional, though, and I don't necessarily think that the first person I date will be the person I marry. But I'm not the type of person who dates just to have a title. Added with the high moral standards I have for any potential boyfriend, I just haven't found someone yet. And I guess most days I'm okay with that. It's important to me to date a Christian, as my faith is number one in my life and I could never see myself dating someone who was not a follower of Christ. Another one is abstinence till marriage, which is becoming an increasingly harder quality to find in young people in general. But it's something that I believe in and anyone I would be with would have to respect that and preferably also believe in it. I know that there are guys like this out there, as I am friends with many, so I'm not giving up. I'm not lowering my standards because in all honesty, it's not that much too expect. When the time is right, I will meet someone and I know that God has a plan for me. So I'm trying to just let things happen, if they do that's great, if not, well then obviously it wasn't right.

I've also been thinking a lot about my faith. I grew up in the church, and I loved it when I was younger. I looked forward to Sunday mornings and Wednesday night youth groups. I hit a rough spot at the end of middle school and throughout high school, but I got involved as a church camp counselor at my church camp, which is my favorite place on Earth. I realized where I had gone wrong and strayed from God, and it was really upsetting. Over the last couple years, I have been making an effort to strengthen my relationship with Him. I've had some highs and I've had some lows, but all in all I definitely think it's better. I've grown up a lot, and I realize how important faith truly is. Last year I didn't have a church down here in Cincinnati, and while it really bothered me, I was also really scared to go to other churches. That probably sounds really stupid, and in a lot of ways it was. I was too shy (shocker, right?) to go to a new church all by myself, I didn't like the church I went to with my roommate, and I didn't really have any other friends who went to church. Another reason I was hesitant was because I love my church back home. I have an amazing church family around me there, and they truly are like family. I know that if I needed anything, any one of them would be there for me. I think that I felt that no church down here could ever measure up, that my church back home would always be my home and there was no point in even trying to find something comparable. This year, I started going with a friend of mine to his church, and I really liked it. It wasn't perfect in every way, but really, nothing is, right? Another reason I sometimes feel uncomfortable around other Christians is because I always feel like I stick out and I feel very uncomfortable. People stare at my earrings, mostly the 7 in my left ear, especially my tragus piercing. If they find out about my tattoo or my bellybutton ring they look down on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel this way about all Christians, just some. But I like my piercings and my tattoo, and they are a part of me. Another reason I like the church I attend now is some of the staff members have some piercings and tattoos, and it's kind of reassuring to me that I'm not alone, that I do fit in somewhere. I've been trying to surround myself with Christian friends who are positive influences, because it's hard to resist peer pressure sometimes.

That brings me to a whole other point. Peer pressure sucks. I love my friends to death, but sometimes being around some of them is just bad for me. They aren't bad people, but they don't make the best decisions. This year I'm going to really try to stick up for what I believe in, and if they are my TRUE friends, then they will stick with me. If they don't, it will hurt but in the end I guess it's better that they aren't negatively influencing me anymore.

To wrap this thing up, because it's late and I have to read for class and go to bed, I'm going to list my New Year's Resolutions:
1. Work out at least twice a week, but preferably 3 times.
2. Eat healthier and drink more water. Eat more fruits and vegetables.
3. Take calcium supplements since I can't have dairy anymore. Actually, just take a multivitamin. Yeah.
4. Rehab my knees and if I need to get them surgically repaired get it done so I can get in shape.
5. To go along . with all those things, lose weight and get back in shape. I want to be muscular and lean like I used to be.
6. Start playing soccer again, because I miss it. A lot.
7. Journal. Online and paper. Whatever I feel like.
8. READ MY BIBLE MORE!

And then there's just some stuff I would like to do this year:
1. Take road trips. Lots.
2. Coach a soccer team.
3. Find a journalism internship somewhere, or at least a good job for the summer.
4. Learn to cook. Real food, not just easy stuff.

That's all I have for now. Later, dudes. And dudettes. (That is, if anyone is even reading this besides me...awkward.)

Peace, love, and rock n' roll,
T