So, I've been looking at grad schools, and I've narrowed it down to 3, I think. Northwestern, University of Illinois, and Penn State. In addition to going to a new city and school, I'll also be getting my own apartment, which I'm very excited about. I can't wait to have my own space that I can decorate and furnish. I've been looking around each of the schools for places and I have mixed feelings about everything. I want a one bedroom apartment, preferably with a living room and a kitchen big enough for a table and chairs or a dinging room. I don't want an efficiency because I want to be able to have space for people to come and visit me. And I like having my bedroom be my own private space. Living alone is expensive, but I don't want to find a random roommate, and I don't know if I'll be able to find a friend or acquaintance wherever I am. And even if I did, I kind of want to be able to do everything how I want for once haha. Another thing I really want is a nice kitchen. Something modern with lots of counterspace and a nice oven would be ideal. That way I can cook and bake a lot! I don't know how I'm going to afford it though. I'll be working, but I'll also be going to school. Luckily, I can finish my master's in a year or two going full-time or part-time, so at least I won't be paying for school for too long. Anyway, I've also started thinking about everything I'll need to furnish my own apartment. Number one on my list is finding a good sofa-bed. That way when people come visit I'll have someplace for them to sleep! I really don't want to buy one new, but the chances of finding a used one in good condition for a good price (or free? haha) are pretty slim. There's a really cool one at IKEA (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20126094)that I want SO bad, but there's no way I'll be able to afford it. :( So anyway, I'm going to start accumulating those things in the next year or so, I guess. Or at least alerting people to the fact that I'll need the stuff so they can keep their eyes open! I guess that's all I wanted to write about today. I just got really excited thinking about having my own place and needed to spill it all! :) I'm out for now.
Happily planning,
T
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Since When?
I think it's so crazy how much we can grow and change in such a short period of time. Or how fast time flies. I feel like just yesterday I was a high schooler, my hair up in a ponytail, braided, and held back with an Adidas headband and clinging to my bubble world in northwest Ohio. Now I'm a 21-year-old college senior (whoa) who can properly use a hair straightener and lives in a big city with 4 roommates. I've been on emotional highs and I've been in the pits of depression. I've loved life and hated life, I've been heartbroken and I've been content. I've had ups and downs and I've learned who I am and who I want to be.
In the last year, my life has gone nuts. In the fall I was in a pretty deep depression, got really sick, and spent my days hating life and crying myself to sleep. I dated, and I was happy. Something went wrong, and I was lost. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong, because I knew it had to be my fault. In the winter, I stayed stagnant. I was happy sometimes, but other times life just seemed to be pointless. (Not like "I'm suicidal" pointless, just like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing.) Then spring quarter I was really happy. I had my best friends around me supporting me and I realized that everything that had happened in the fall wasn't my fault. I got an apology and I gained some friendships back, and I was happy. Right now, I'm just confused. I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I think I'm okay with it. For now, at least.
The other thing that happened this year was that all of a sudden guys started telling me that they were attracted to me. I still don't know how to respond to this situation because I just don't understand it. I don't see myself as being attractive, I guess. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm definitely no model. And as far as personality goes, I'm very much "one of the guys" a lot of the time. This sometimes bothers me, simply because I do like to be appreciated for being a girl once in a while, but usually I'm okay with it. I'm proud of who I am. But I don't understand why all of a sudden guys are attracted to me? All through high school and my first couple years of college I was very much single and no guys ever really asked me out or anything. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! mass guys. And I don't know how to react because I've never been in this situation before. I'm so afraid that saying one thing to one guy means I'll miss out on something with another. Or that I'll put a guy in the friend zone only to realize later that I do see him as more than a friend, but he's already moved on. Or that the guy I pursue doesn't feel the same about me or chooses another girl instead. I try not to count anything or anyone out in my life unless I have a legitimate reason, but it's getting really hard. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel like I'm just shutting them down. Me saying that I really don't know who or what I want right now isn't a cop out, it's me being way too confused and overwhelmed. I need some time to think, to let my head and my heart get on the same page, before I make any decisions. I know what my head is saying, but my heart is just going crazy with different emotions. If I can't get my own emotions and thoughts in order, how can I expect any guy to put up with that? Add on to all of that the fact that I'm a super complex person and also really ADHD and it's just a bad situation. I really just don't know what to do right now or what to say to people. I'm kind of at a loss.
I spend a lot of my blogs talking about relationship issues, I realized today as I was reading over some of them. Part of that is because I'm a 21-year-old single female, but I think the other part of it is because a lot of other stuff that I write in my journal isn't really appropriate to put all over the internet. I have enough to deal with right now with people in real life, let alone on cyberspace. I don't need to give people a reason to start stuff, especially when it's not the whole world's business. So I guess what I'm getting at is that it sort of looks like I'm obsessed with relationships, which might be true (shut up, I'm a girl. I like romance haha) but I also only update every couple months, so it's spread out. That makes it okay, right? Haha.
Alright, that's all I want to type right now. Maybe more later? I have more time to blog in the summer. Woo! Maybe I can update more often. We'll see. For now, I'm out.
In confusion,
T
In the last year, my life has gone nuts. In the fall I was in a pretty deep depression, got really sick, and spent my days hating life and crying myself to sleep. I dated, and I was happy. Something went wrong, and I was lost. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong, because I knew it had to be my fault. In the winter, I stayed stagnant. I was happy sometimes, but other times life just seemed to be pointless. (Not like "I'm suicidal" pointless, just like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing.) Then spring quarter I was really happy. I had my best friends around me supporting me and I realized that everything that had happened in the fall wasn't my fault. I got an apology and I gained some friendships back, and I was happy. Right now, I'm just confused. I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I think I'm okay with it. For now, at least.
The other thing that happened this year was that all of a sudden guys started telling me that they were attracted to me. I still don't know how to respond to this situation because I just don't understand it. I don't see myself as being attractive, I guess. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm definitely no model. And as far as personality goes, I'm very much "one of the guys" a lot of the time. This sometimes bothers me, simply because I do like to be appreciated for being a girl once in a while, but usually I'm okay with it. I'm proud of who I am. But I don't understand why all of a sudden guys are attracted to me? All through high school and my first couple years of college I was very much single and no guys ever really asked me out or anything. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! mass guys. And I don't know how to react because I've never been in this situation before. I'm so afraid that saying one thing to one guy means I'll miss out on something with another. Or that I'll put a guy in the friend zone only to realize later that I do see him as more than a friend, but he's already moved on. Or that the guy I pursue doesn't feel the same about me or chooses another girl instead. I try not to count anything or anyone out in my life unless I have a legitimate reason, but it's getting really hard. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel like I'm just shutting them down. Me saying that I really don't know who or what I want right now isn't a cop out, it's me being way too confused and overwhelmed. I need some time to think, to let my head and my heart get on the same page, before I make any decisions. I know what my head is saying, but my heart is just going crazy with different emotions. If I can't get my own emotions and thoughts in order, how can I expect any guy to put up with that? Add on to all of that the fact that I'm a super complex person and also really ADHD and it's just a bad situation. I really just don't know what to do right now or what to say to people. I'm kind of at a loss.
I spend a lot of my blogs talking about relationship issues, I realized today as I was reading over some of them. Part of that is because I'm a 21-year-old single female, but I think the other part of it is because a lot of other stuff that I write in my journal isn't really appropriate to put all over the internet. I have enough to deal with right now with people in real life, let alone on cyberspace. I don't need to give people a reason to start stuff, especially when it's not the whole world's business. So I guess what I'm getting at is that it sort of looks like I'm obsessed with relationships, which might be true (shut up, I'm a girl. I like romance haha) but I also only update every couple months, so it's spread out. That makes it okay, right? Haha.
Alright, that's all I want to type right now. Maybe more later? I have more time to blog in the summer. Woo! Maybe I can update more often. We'll see. For now, I'm out.
In confusion,
T
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
No, But Thanks
Today it hit me how much money I have spent on doctors and medicines in the past year. I've seen an orthopedic doctor for my knee, hip and back several times. I've spent hundreds on co-pays and prescriptions and none of it worked. I got two types of the flu in the fall and had two doctor visits plus prescriptions to pay for. In the spring I saw a doctor for the intense pain in my chest and my migraines. I spent more money on prescriptions, and found out nothing. This is getting ridiculous. If I'm spending this much money on this crap, I should be finding answers.
I talked to my dad about my frustration and he gave me the worst advice ever: give up soccer. Never. I will NEVER give up soccer. I won't give it up because in this massively insane world, soccer is the one thing I'm good at. I know soccer. Soccer makes sense to me. I'm a good player and the soccer field is the one place in the world where I feel completely comfortable. I can just be me because I know it so well. I belong there. There really isn't anything else in this world that makes me feel like that. If I couldn't play soccer, I would have no release. I would have nothing to be good at. I need it. Thanks for the horrible advice, Dad. That just made me more upset.
I wish my body didn't hate me. I'm 21, not 50. It sucks that I've already had to give up a lot because my stupid body can't handle it. And honestly, I'm not going to give up the things that I love and the stuff that makes me who I am just because my stupid limbs and joints don't work right. I'll live. Who needs ligaments and cartilage anyway? Ha.
Life is crazy right now. I have a lot going on and a lot of stuff that's frustrating me that I'm not going to put in a public blog because it's really not the entire world's business. That's all I have for now. Probably more soon.
T
I talked to my dad about my frustration and he gave me the worst advice ever: give up soccer. Never. I will NEVER give up soccer. I won't give it up because in this massively insane world, soccer is the one thing I'm good at. I know soccer. Soccer makes sense to me. I'm a good player and the soccer field is the one place in the world where I feel completely comfortable. I can just be me because I know it so well. I belong there. There really isn't anything else in this world that makes me feel like that. If I couldn't play soccer, I would have no release. I would have nothing to be good at. I need it. Thanks for the horrible advice, Dad. That just made me more upset.
I wish my body didn't hate me. I'm 21, not 50. It sucks that I've already had to give up a lot because my stupid body can't handle it. And honestly, I'm not going to give up the things that I love and the stuff that makes me who I am just because my stupid limbs and joints don't work right. I'll live. Who needs ligaments and cartilage anyway? Ha.
Life is crazy right now. I have a lot going on and a lot of stuff that's frustrating me that I'm not going to put in a public blog because it's really not the entire world's business. That's all I have for now. Probably more soon.
T
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Who Do I Want To Be?
As I was sitting here on my bed, procrastinating as usual, something occurred to me. I was thinking about the fact that even my procrastinating friends are more productive than me, and I hate this about myself. I really need to get myself in gear after this year and turn my academics around. And I have no problem doing work, so why do I have such a hard time actually doing stuff for school? I was thinking about one of my friends and how she gets a ton of work done, but still goes out and does a lot of other stuff. Then it hit me: she actually enjoys the work she's doing. I hate my major and my minor, but I feel like I'm stuck in them because I'm really close to being done with them. But that's the difference! These people are happy with their majors, they are doing something that they want to do in the future, so they don't have as hard of a time doing the work.
Now I guess I have to make a decision. Do I stay where I am and stick to my current plan about grad school? Do I stay an extra year or so and double major in something I actually want to do? Do I just switch majors altogether?
The third option would be the most pointless. I'm already almost done with my current major, so I might as well try to finish it out. The first option isn't getting me anywhere, and has been my plan for about a year. So, logically, I think my best option is number two. And I don't have a problem with that. But I don't know how I'm going to pay for those extra years of school. I can't afford it now as it is, let alone extra time. But I really think that's what I need to do. I just don't know how to tell my parents that either. I've been putting on this facade to them for a while, pretending I like my major and whatnot. But if anyone can understand, it will be my dad. He was a RELIGION major in college (yeah, for real) and is now a regional safety manager for a transportation company. So I think he will get it. Especially if I pull some tears and the daddy's-little-girl face. Gets him every time haha.
So anyway, I guess that's what's been on my mind today. I'm nervous and scared, but I think I really need a change. We'll see, I guess. I mean, this is the rest of my life I'm talking about, so I think making the right decision is important, right?
In thought,
T
Now I guess I have to make a decision. Do I stay where I am and stick to my current plan about grad school? Do I stay an extra year or so and double major in something I actually want to do? Do I just switch majors altogether?
The third option would be the most pointless. I'm already almost done with my current major, so I might as well try to finish it out. The first option isn't getting me anywhere, and has been my plan for about a year. So, logically, I think my best option is number two. And I don't have a problem with that. But I don't know how I'm going to pay for those extra years of school. I can't afford it now as it is, let alone extra time. But I really think that's what I need to do. I just don't know how to tell my parents that either. I've been putting on this facade to them for a while, pretending I like my major and whatnot. But if anyone can understand, it will be my dad. He was a RELIGION major in college (yeah, for real) and is now a regional safety manager for a transportation company. So I think he will get it. Especially if I pull some tears and the daddy's-little-girl face. Gets him every time haha.
So anyway, I guess that's what's been on my mind today. I'm nervous and scared, but I think I really need a change. We'll see, I guess. I mean, this is the rest of my life I'm talking about, so I think making the right decision is important, right?
In thought,
T
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