Since When?

I think it's so crazy how much we can grow and change in such a short period of time. Or how fast time flies. I feel like just yesterday I was a high schooler, my hair up in a ponytail, braided, and held back with an Adidas headband and clinging to my bubble world in northwest Ohio. Now I'm a 21-year-old college senior (whoa) who can properly use a hair straightener and lives in a big city with 4 roommates. I've been on emotional highs and I've been in the pits of depression. I've loved life and hated life, I've been heartbroken and I've been content. I've had ups and downs and I've learned who I am and who I want to be.

In the last year, my life has gone nuts. In the fall I was in a pretty deep depression, got really sick, and spent my days hating life and crying myself to sleep. I dated, and I was happy. Something went wrong, and I was lost. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong, because I knew it had to be my fault. In the winter, I stayed stagnant. I was happy sometimes, but other times life just seemed to be pointless. (Not like "I'm suicidal" pointless, just like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing.) Then spring quarter I was really happy. I had my best friends around me supporting me and I realized that everything that had happened in the fall wasn't my fault. I got an apology and I gained some friendships back, and I was happy. Right now, I'm just confused. I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I think I'm okay with it. For now, at least.

The other thing that happened this year was that all of a sudden guys started telling me that they were attracted to me. I still don't know how to respond to this situation because I just don't understand it. I don't see myself as being attractive, I guess. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm definitely no model. And as far as personality goes, I'm very much "one of the guys" a lot of the time. This sometimes bothers me, simply because I do like to be appreciated for being a girl once in a while, but usually I'm okay with it. I'm proud of who I am. But I don't understand why all of a sudden guys are attracted to me? All through high school and my first couple years of college I was very much single and no guys ever really asked me out or anything. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! mass guys. And I don't know how to react because I've never been in this situation before. I'm so afraid that saying one thing to one guy means I'll miss out on something with another. Or that I'll put a guy in the friend zone only to realize later that I do see him as more than a friend, but he's already moved on. Or that the guy I pursue doesn't feel the same about me or chooses another girl instead. I try not to count anything or anyone out in my life unless I have a legitimate reason, but it's getting really hard. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel like I'm just shutting them down. Me saying that I really don't know who or what I want right now isn't a cop out, it's me being way too confused and overwhelmed. I need some time to think, to let my head and my heart get on the same page, before I make any decisions. I know what my head is saying, but my heart is just going crazy with different emotions. If I can't get my own emotions and thoughts in order, how can I expect any guy to put up with that? Add on to all of that the fact that I'm a super complex person and also really ADHD and it's just a bad situation. I really just don't know what to do right now or what to say to people. I'm kind of at a loss.

I spend a lot of my blogs talking about relationship issues, I realized today as I was reading over some of them. Part of that is because I'm a 21-year-old single female, but I think the other part of it is because a lot of other stuff that I write in my journal isn't really appropriate to put all over the internet. I have enough to deal with right now with people in real life, let alone on cyberspace. I don't need to give people a reason to start stuff, especially when it's not the whole world's business. So I guess what I'm getting at is that it sort of looks like I'm obsessed with relationships, which might be true (shut up, I'm a girl. I like romance haha) but I also only update every couple months, so it's spread out. That makes it okay, right? Haha.

Alright, that's all I want to type right now. Maybe more later? I have more time to blog in the summer. Woo! Maybe I can update more often. We'll see. For now, I'm out.

In confusion,
T