Maybe if I Was More Like Her?

I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by people, family and friends who love me. But I'm still lonely. And it's because I am alone. I'm not alone in the world or anything, but I'm alone in the relationship sense. And it's so hard to describe it, because I really don't want to rush into a relationship just to be in a relationship. But I'm an adult, I've grown up, I've had my fair share of upsets and heartbreaks, and I'm just ready to settle down. I want to find someone that I can be with for an extended period of time, not just a few-month fling. But I'm so stuck. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to change things. And I'm so sick and tired of everyone telling me to be patient and to wait. Honestly, you're not in my position, so just stop. It has been hitting me even harder over the last few weeks: I'm graduating next year. And I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm so scared of the future. Where am I going to live? Who am I going to live with? How will I pay my bills? Will I go to grad school? And if I do, where will I go? I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave my friends or the school I love so much. I hate that most of my friends won't graduate for at lease another year, if not more, after me. And I'll be in the real world. It would be really nice to have someone beside me during the transition.

Sadly, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably just going to live the rest of my life single. There's clearly something wrong with me that inhibits me from being able to work in relationships. And I think the worst part is that I thought I had that guy once. I thought he would be different, that he would treat me like I always imagined a boyfriend would. And for a month, I was happier than I've been in a couple years. Then everything changed. And I still don't know why. I'm still so confused and hurt by the situation, but I don't want to confront it. I'm not confrontational, as surprising as that might be. I'm a wuss, and I don't want to hear the things I think would be said. I've never been so confused and lost, and I don't know how to fix it.

I'm just talking myself in circles now. I wish I could put all my emotions and feelings into words. I think I need an outlet. But I can't find the right ones. Ugh. Oh well, I guess this will do for now.

T


More Like Her by Miranda Lambert

She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple, little way