Realizations

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Breathe by Anna Nalick

So after my nice, warm, long shower tonight, I fully intended to go straight to bed. Of course, the internet tempted me and here I am, an hour later, still on my computer. But some things sparked some thoughts in my head as I sat here.

I'm so blessed with the friends that I have. They are wonderful, beautiful, and amazing people. And I take them for granted. The song I posted above reminds me of what my best friend would tell me..ok, what she DOES tell me..when I call her. Breathe, it will be okay. You're allowed to whine, you're allowed to say things suck, but at some point you need to suck it up and you can overcome this. After the past year, I don't know where I would be without my best friends. They have held me together, literally and figuratively, when I was coming apart at my mental, physical, and emotional seams. That being said, I can be so blind. Blind, and selfish. It's not something I do consciously, but I realize it later and I feel like an idiot. How could I have missed so much? I feel like a terrible friend. And it sucks. I hate seeing my friends down, especially if I'm part of the reason. There's so much I need to fix. But I'm going to try. For now, I guess I just apologize to everyone for how much I've screwed up. I'm so sorry. :(

I'm working on finding the way to figure some stuff in my life out right now that will be the easiest. The easiest, not for me, but for the people around me. So many other people and things are affected by the decisions I make, and I'm tired of messing up. So I'm really thinking hard and praying about my next moves. I feel like I'm playing chess, and I'm risking it all to try and go for the checkmate. Unfortunately, I've always sucked at chess. I always lost the pawns because the horses and towers were my favorites. (Yeah, knights and rooks, whatever. I like horses and towers better.) This time, I'm gonna get the checkmate. And I'm gonna have my pawns and my horses and my towers. Maybe it's impossible, but that's a wizard's chess! (10 points if you get that reference. Yeah, I have ADD.)

Spring Break 2010. It's going to rock faces. I will make this happen if it's the last thing I do. I need this. She needs this. We're all in this together. (10 more points if you get that reference. 20 if you will shoot me for making it.) But seriously, I'm beyond excited. SB10, Destin, Florida, here we come!

It's time to make some changes. I can do this. I have a support system. I have the desire and the tools to do it. It's not just for me, it's for all the people who have loved me unconditionally through my selfish behavior, my mood swings, my obliviousness, my mistakes, my tears, my anger, my life. They deserve this. I love you guys.

Ready for changing and starving for truth (10 more points),

T

Too Much on My Mind

"And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face. Still it's hard to find faith."

This is so true. I have so many wonderful people around me and I truly have a good life and I have been learning how to appreciate all these things so much better over the last couple of years. But I still find myself dwelling on the negatives. I just can't seem to win. If it's not one thing, it's another. As much good as there is in my life, there is also a lot of stuff that really sucks. But whatever. I guess that's life, and I'll have to figure out how to deal with it somehow.

This weekend was interesting. My head and my heart are so messed up right now. I'm so confused as to what, and who, I want and I'm not sure how to say the things that I think I need to say, to ask the questions I think I need to ask. But I don't even know if I should say and ask those things. I hold onto things, I'm a sentimental person. I try to move on and to stop having feelings for someone, then they rush back into my life and all those feelings come flooding back. It sucks. Especially if I think I've moved on and it turns out that I haven't. I don't want to hurt anybody because I know how that feels, all too well. But I just don't know what else to do.

Over the last few weeks I've definitely reconnected with a male friend that I used to be extremely close with. We never actually grew apart, but things were different with us for a while, and we are finally 100% back to being pretty much best friends, and I'm so glad to have that guy back. We just get each other. We have the same sense of humor but we both know when to check it and get stuff done. I love it when he makes jokes, especially about other girls, and I start laughing, which just makes him laugh even harder. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, we were sitting on an armchair together, his head laying on my shoulder and my foot propped up on his knee, and we were just there. Just chill. Just friends, and nothing more. It felt so good to have my good friend back. But apparently us being close is a big deal to everyone else. No one really understands our friendship, for some reason. Almost all of our friends are mutual friends and they don't like it or they don't get it or something. I fail to see why it's anybody else's business, but these same people are nosy gossips who have to know everyone else's business all the time, so I'm not too surprised. But it's still annoying. He and I are friends, just friends, and we both get that, we are both fine with it, we both enjoy each other's company. So everyone else can shove it.

I really miss my best friend. It's so hard to cope with life without her being here. And I'm trying so hard to balance trying to keep her involved with everything here without making it seem like I'm making her feel that she's missing out. Life would be so much easier this quarter if she was here for me to talk to and to see everything for herself. Ugh.

I'm homesick. I miss my parents, I miss my dog, I miss the stress-free life. I miss my best friends. I'm just ready for some things to work themselves out, once and for all. I want to know all the answers, but I'm tired of trying to figure out which questions to ask and how to ask them. I'm so confused and I just want some things to go right for once. Here's to hoping. I'm off to bed, too much on my mind.

T

Last Place..Again

So tonight I walked home by myself. For the second time in my college career, for the second time this year so far, I walked myself home, alone. And both times I was with male friends who probably should have walked with me. I honestly thought more highly of my friends. But no, I was left to walk alone, no one to make sure I got home safe, no one to make sure nothing happened to me. What's even worse about both of these situations? The guys in both situations didn't even bother to text me or call me to make sure I made it home safe. Not only did they not walk with me, or even offer, but didn't care enough to send a quick text asking if I was okay.

I'm so sick of this. Even if these guys weren't two of my best friends, as the gentlemen that I thought they were they should have, at the very least, offered to walk me home. In fact, they should have insisted on it. What guy lets a girl walk home alone? The first time I was left to walk alone, in the rain at 2 a.m. because a guy wanted to "show me it was over." Mission accomplished, jerk. Now granted, he has since been forgiven and we are still good friends, but that doesn't make the move any less of a jerk move. Tonight, I was ditched (for the second night in a row) by a close guy friend. Tonight, I was ditched for an ugly, gap-toothed, leggings-as-pants wearing slut with an even uglier bushy-eyebrowed, shorts and stilettos-wearing (oh hey, by the way, it's January..why are you wearing SHORTS?!) twin. So it comes down to this, again: I'm one of your best friends, you claim you care about me, you claim you want the best for me. But as soon as some easy girl who will give you some comes along, I'm just some girl you know. And even though I have no interest in you romantically, it sucks being shunted aside and watching you slum around with some skank. You can do better, and I want you to. Because, guess what? I actually care about you. I don't just say it, I mean it. Unlike you.

I don't really know what's going on right now with the men in my life. I've always been able to rely on them, but lately they are letting me down. I don't feel safe with them anymore and I'm really losing respect for them. It really sucks. Whatever. It's your life, do what you will. But don't expect me to sit around and watch you screw up. I'm done trying and I'm done caring until the friendship is reciprocated. When you decide to man up and treat me like I deserve to be treated as your friend, then we'll talk. Until then, please just go away. Thanks.

Done,
T

Second Place

I love having guy friends. My boys are my best friends. But I'm really getting tired of "not counting" and always coming in second place behind girls who will make out with them and be whores. Just because I'm not an idiot, I can take care of myself, etc. etc., I don't get to count? Well that's bullshit. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I have a secret crush on one of my guy friends, I don't want to "count" for them, but I just feel like they take advantage of the fact that I'm a girl but I'm not like the rest of them. And what makes it worse, they only go for those girls that, in their minds, do count. If all you do is whine about girls like that, why do you keep picking them? It's crap and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of being the backup plan or the one that gets cast aside when something else comes up. I've come to expect the rejection and the last minute ditch. I'm used to it. Oh, someone else needs to be walked home? Sure, I don't care. I'm not one of your best friends, I won't care if you leave me by myself. No, that's fine by me. I just don't matter and I'm so tired of it. I DO matter.

I just want to be appreciated for who I am. I AM a girl. I want to be complimented when I look nice, I want to be treated with respect. And just because I'm not gonna get offended if you make a joke or because I can drive a car just as well as you or because I don't make out with different guys every weekend doesn't mean I'm not still a girl. You say you don't want me to be those girls, but yet you treat me like the second side dish. Oh, my entree comes with two sides? In that guess, I guess I'll take the mashed potatoes too. I don't want to be the damn mashed potatoes anymore. Just because I'm there and I'm convenient doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt when you leave me or ditch me. Our friendship means more to ME than that, but obviously it doesn't mean more to you.

I'm so done. The guys I want are the ones that don't want me. The ones I just can't date are the ones who do. I hate this.

T