Why write when someone's already written the lyrics to the song in my soul?

Every single day it's the same old thing
Wake up every morning do the same routine
Paint my nails and get my hair to curl
Lord it's hard being a girl
I love getting all dressed up to the nines
But sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Somethin' bout old blue jeans and a baseball cap
Fellas I get it and I admit it
It just don't get any better than that
Chicken wings, NASCAR, and football on Monday nights
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

I like to put my hair up in a ponytail
Climb up in a pickup and raise some hell
Have a four-wheelin mud boggin' real good time
Then go home and play poker all night long
I still love chick flicks and a real good cry
But sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Somethin' bout old blue jeans and a baseball cap
Fellas I get it and I admit it
It just don't get any better than that
Chicken wings, NASCAR, and football on Monday nights
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Somethin' bout old blue jeans and a baseball cap
Fellas I get it and I admit it
It just don't get any better than that
Chicken wings, NASCAR, and football on Monday nights
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys
Sometimes it's fun to be one of the guys

Right here waiting,
Staying strong,
Come and fall into me,

Verse 1
You say you've turned it off,
Hid your heart up on a shelf,
Scared of what it might cost,
To take it down for someone else,
'Cause lovin him you lost,
Too much of yourself,
Baby can't you see that he's not me,

Chorus
And I need you to know you can fall into me,
That my arms are wide open,
And will always be,
Right here waiting, staying strong,
Come and fall into me,

Verse 2
I'll follow any road, anywhere to get to you,
I'll open up my soul,
If that's what you need me to do,
Now baby it's your move,
All you've got to do,
Is believe in love, just believe in us,

Chorus
And I need you to know you can fall into me,
That my arms are wide open,
And will always be,
Right here waiting, staying strong,
Come and fall into me,

Just believe in love
Just believe in us
Baby....

I need you to know you can fall into me
That my arms are wide open
And will always be
Right here waiting, staying strong
Come and fall into me

Come and fall into me
Baby fall into me

I thought last year was bad. Thought my life couldn't go further down. Life proved me wrong. Touche, life. Thanks a lot. Not.

::EDIT::
Remember the children's book 'Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?' Yeah, I'm thinking about writing one as an autobiography. 'Tiffany and the Sucky, Pointless, Stupid, Very Unlucky Life.' I think it'll be a smash hit.

A Few Things..

I have a few public service announcements that I would just like to throw out there for the good of the order:

1. Don't run your mouth about things you don't know about. If you don't know the facts or the whole story, shut up. Or at least express the fact that you don't know the whole truth. I'm sick of all the "he said, she said" crap and the messed up game of telephone. Yes, you're entitled to your opinion, but that doesn't mean you also get to make up the story.

2. I live my life for me. I will hang out with whomever I want. I will be friends with people who make me happy and whose company I enjoy.

3. Grow up. In general. There's way too much high school nonsense and general immaturity flying around right now. We're adults, can we please act like it?

4. Hiding behind lies and anonymity is immature and stupid. Especially when you're talking about things you know nothing about. Don't tell me to man up or accuse me of lying when you can't do the same.

5. Hypocrisy. I hate it. Just stop. Next time you start talking shit, spreading information, sending someone a message, take a step back first. You're probably guilty of all the same things, if not more. So get off your high horse and your soapbox and just shut your mouth. Or stick your foot in it, whatever.

Ok. That's all I have for right now. Peace.

T

Starting Over

So, I've been looking at grad schools, and I've narrowed it down to 3, I think. Northwestern, University of Illinois, and Penn State. In addition to going to a new city and school, I'll also be getting my own apartment, which I'm very excited about. I can't wait to have my own space that I can decorate and furnish. I've been looking around each of the schools for places and I have mixed feelings about everything. I want a one bedroom apartment, preferably with a living room and a kitchen big enough for a table and chairs or a dinging room. I don't want an efficiency because I want to be able to have space for people to come and visit me. And I like having my bedroom be my own private space. Living alone is expensive, but I don't want to find a random roommate, and I don't know if I'll be able to find a friend or acquaintance wherever I am. And even if I did, I kind of want to be able to do everything how I want for once haha. Another thing I really want is a nice kitchen. Something modern with lots of counterspace and a nice oven would be ideal. That way I can cook and bake a lot! I don't know how I'm going to afford it though. I'll be working, but I'll also be going to school. Luckily, I can finish my master's in a year or two going full-time or part-time, so at least I won't be paying for school for too long. Anyway, I've also started thinking about everything I'll need to furnish my own apartment. Number one on my list is finding a good sofa-bed. That way when people come visit I'll have someplace for them to sleep! I really don't want to buy one new, but the chances of finding a used one in good condition for a good price (or free? haha) are pretty slim. There's a really cool one at IKEA (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/20126094)that I want SO bad, but there's no way I'll be able to afford it. :( So anyway, I'm going to start accumulating those things in the next year or so, I guess. Or at least alerting people to the fact that I'll need the stuff so they can keep their eyes open! I guess that's all I wanted to write about today. I just got really excited thinking about having my own place and needed to spill it all! :) I'm out for now.

Happily planning,
T

Since When?

I think it's so crazy how much we can grow and change in such a short period of time. Or how fast time flies. I feel like just yesterday I was a high schooler, my hair up in a ponytail, braided, and held back with an Adidas headband and clinging to my bubble world in northwest Ohio. Now I'm a 21-year-old college senior (whoa) who can properly use a hair straightener and lives in a big city with 4 roommates. I've been on emotional highs and I've been in the pits of depression. I've loved life and hated life, I've been heartbroken and I've been content. I've had ups and downs and I've learned who I am and who I want to be.

In the last year, my life has gone nuts. In the fall I was in a pretty deep depression, got really sick, and spent my days hating life and crying myself to sleep. I dated, and I was happy. Something went wrong, and I was lost. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong, because I knew it had to be my fault. In the winter, I stayed stagnant. I was happy sometimes, but other times life just seemed to be pointless. (Not like "I'm suicidal" pointless, just like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing.) Then spring quarter I was really happy. I had my best friends around me supporting me and I realized that everything that had happened in the fall wasn't my fault. I got an apology and I gained some friendships back, and I was happy. Right now, I'm just confused. I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I think I'm okay with it. For now, at least.

The other thing that happened this year was that all of a sudden guys started telling me that they were attracted to me. I still don't know how to respond to this situation because I just don't understand it. I don't see myself as being attractive, I guess. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm definitely no model. And as far as personality goes, I'm very much "one of the guys" a lot of the time. This sometimes bothers me, simply because I do like to be appreciated for being a girl once in a while, but usually I'm okay with it. I'm proud of who I am. But I don't understand why all of a sudden guys are attracted to me? All through high school and my first couple years of college I was very much single and no guys ever really asked me out or anything. Then, all of a sudden, BAM! mass guys. And I don't know how to react because I've never been in this situation before. I'm so afraid that saying one thing to one guy means I'll miss out on something with another. Or that I'll put a guy in the friend zone only to realize later that I do see him as more than a friend, but he's already moved on. Or that the guy I pursue doesn't feel the same about me or chooses another girl instead. I try not to count anything or anyone out in my life unless I have a legitimate reason, but it's getting really hard. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel like I'm just shutting them down. Me saying that I really don't know who or what I want right now isn't a cop out, it's me being way too confused and overwhelmed. I need some time to think, to let my head and my heart get on the same page, before I make any decisions. I know what my head is saying, but my heart is just going crazy with different emotions. If I can't get my own emotions and thoughts in order, how can I expect any guy to put up with that? Add on to all of that the fact that I'm a super complex person and also really ADHD and it's just a bad situation. I really just don't know what to do right now or what to say to people. I'm kind of at a loss.

I spend a lot of my blogs talking about relationship issues, I realized today as I was reading over some of them. Part of that is because I'm a 21-year-old single female, but I think the other part of it is because a lot of other stuff that I write in my journal isn't really appropriate to put all over the internet. I have enough to deal with right now with people in real life, let alone on cyberspace. I don't need to give people a reason to start stuff, especially when it's not the whole world's business. So I guess what I'm getting at is that it sort of looks like I'm obsessed with relationships, which might be true (shut up, I'm a girl. I like romance haha) but I also only update every couple months, so it's spread out. That makes it okay, right? Haha.

Alright, that's all I want to type right now. Maybe more later? I have more time to blog in the summer. Woo! Maybe I can update more often. We'll see. For now, I'm out.

In confusion,
T

No, But Thanks

Today it hit me how much money I have spent on doctors and medicines in the past year. I've seen an orthopedic doctor for my knee, hip and back several times. I've spent hundreds on co-pays and prescriptions and none of it worked. I got two types of the flu in the fall and had two doctor visits plus prescriptions to pay for. In the spring I saw a doctor for the intense pain in my chest and my migraines. I spent more money on prescriptions, and found out nothing. This is getting ridiculous. If I'm spending this much money on this crap, I should be finding answers.

I talked to my dad about my frustration and he gave me the worst advice ever: give up soccer. Never. I will NEVER give up soccer. I won't give it up because in this massively insane world, soccer is the one thing I'm good at. I know soccer. Soccer makes sense to me. I'm a good player and the soccer field is the one place in the world where I feel completely comfortable. I can just be me because I know it so well. I belong there. There really isn't anything else in this world that makes me feel like that. If I couldn't play soccer, I would have no release. I would have nothing to be good at. I need it. Thanks for the horrible advice, Dad. That just made me more upset.

I wish my body didn't hate me. I'm 21, not 50. It sucks that I've already had to give up a lot because my stupid body can't handle it. And honestly, I'm not going to give up the things that I love and the stuff that makes me who I am just because my stupid limbs and joints don't work right. I'll live. Who needs ligaments and cartilage anyway? Ha.

Life is crazy right now. I have a lot going on and a lot of stuff that's frustrating me that I'm not going to put in a public blog because it's really not the entire world's business. That's all I have for now. Probably more soon.

T

Who Do I Want To Be?

As I was sitting here on my bed, procrastinating as usual, something occurred to me. I was thinking about the fact that even my procrastinating friends are more productive than me, and I hate this about myself. I really need to get myself in gear after this year and turn my academics around. And I have no problem doing work, so why do I have such a hard time actually doing stuff for school? I was thinking about one of my friends and how she gets a ton of work done, but still goes out and does a lot of other stuff. Then it hit me: she actually enjoys the work she's doing. I hate my major and my minor, but I feel like I'm stuck in them because I'm really close to being done with them. But that's the difference! These people are happy with their majors, they are doing something that they want to do in the future, so they don't have as hard of a time doing the work.

Now I guess I have to make a decision. Do I stay where I am and stick to my current plan about grad school? Do I stay an extra year or so and double major in something I actually want to do? Do I just switch majors altogether?

The third option would be the most pointless. I'm already almost done with my current major, so I might as well try to finish it out. The first option isn't getting me anywhere, and has been my plan for about a year. So, logically, I think my best option is number two. And I don't have a problem with that. But I don't know how I'm going to pay for those extra years of school. I can't afford it now as it is, let alone extra time. But I really think that's what I need to do. I just don't know how to tell my parents that either. I've been putting on this facade to them for a while, pretending I like my major and whatnot. But if anyone can understand, it will be my dad. He was a RELIGION major in college (yeah, for real) and is now a regional safety manager for a transportation company. So I think he will get it. Especially if I pull some tears and the daddy's-little-girl face. Gets him every time haha.

So anyway, I guess that's what's been on my mind today. I'm nervous and scared, but I think I really need a change. We'll see, I guess. I mean, this is the rest of my life I'm talking about, so I think making the right decision is important, right?

In thought,
T

And Here Comes the Religion Speech..

So, I've been thinking a lot about religion lately, partially because my brother started a conversation about it with me and partially because it's just been on my mind a lot.

I am a Christian. I was raised this way and once I got to be old enough, I accepted the Christian way of life. I believe in God and I worship that God. What makes a Christian? To me, Christianity is the acceptance of God as my savior and the belief that Jesus led a sinless life but died to wash my sins away. I believe that I should not only repent my sins, but actually understand the repentance. Just because God forgives our sins when we ask doesn't give us free rein to commit sin. We are imperfect and human, but we are still expected to do whatever is in our power to live a Godly lifestyle, as we were created in his image. I think that prayer, forgiveness, reading my Bible, and going to church are important parts of Christianity, but I don't think that doing any of those things necessarily makes you a Christian.

It bothers me that so many Christians are so quick to condemn others and elevate themselves. So many Christians talk down to non-believers and make Christianity be so exclusive. To me, part of being a Christian is the ability to understand that some people don't believe the same as you. While I would love it if all my friends shared my beliefs, I don't think anything good will come of telling them that they are wrong, that they are going to hell. So many Christians turn people off to religion because they are so quick to tear them down or judge them. We all struggle, some more than others, and it isn't Christian-like to make others feel as though they are inferior to you. I am a Christian, but a lot of Christians look down on me because I have 13 piercings and 2 tattoos. I curse a lot, but only because I feel that people let words mean way too much to them and it's irritating that people let words offend them so much. But those things don't define me in my religion. We say don't judge a book by it's cover, but so many people do.

I don't know, I just get annoyed. I can be a Christian and I can be fun. It is possible to do both. I am morally strong in my beliefs and I don't compromise them. As much as I may seem like a cynical, crass person sometimes, I stick to my guns. I believe in abstinence until marriage, and I'm holding myself to that. I believe in courting, not just making out, hooking up, or dating for the sake of dating. You date with intent to marry, which always sounds so crazy, but we enter relationships to see if we could spend the rest of our lives together, not just so we can have someone to mess around with then part ways with.

So..that's my thoughts for today. I'm going to try to post more often, because I think it's helpful to get this stuff out of my head. Hopefully I can stick to it.

More later,
T

Who Are You Here For?

I just got back from a 2 week mini-vacation and it was awesome. I went home to Findlay for 2 days for a very good family friend's baby shower and it was great to be home for the first time since December. From there I drove to Chicago where I stayed with one of my best friends for 4 days and also got to stay with my cousin, her husband and her baby girl. That was absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed. From Chicago, I drove to Cincinnati, did laundry, repacked, and left 3 hours later for Destin with one of my other best friends! After a week in Destin and a stop in Birmingham on the way home, I finally got back to Cincinnati to stay yesterday. It was a whirlwind but I miss it all.

I'm very close to my parents and it's always been kind of hard for me to be away from them. I get really homesick but it's also really hard for me to leave Cincinnati. I finally found myself at UC and started having a hard time leaving to go home. So I get really torn..do I want to be here or there more? I feel like I miss out so much when I leave Cincinnati, but I also feel so much more relaxed at home. It was nice to be in Findlay and not really miss much. I got to enjoy myself and not worry too much.

Chicago was amazing. I loved it and I miss it so much. I felt so at home there. I fell in love with the city and the outskirts of the city where my cousin and best friend live. I liked taking the train and the buses, and walking all around the city. It was wonderful. It really got me thinking about the future..grad school, graduation, the real world..I think I'm ready for it. I'm still scared to death and I still kind of don't want to graduate because all my friends will still be here, but I think I can do it at least. And it was so, so good seeing my friend again. I miss him. I miss having him here to keep me in check and make me understand things.

Destin was also good. What's better than a spring break road trip to Florida with your best friend? Not much. Even though we didn't have the greatest weather, we made our own fun. We had a good time, were spontaneous, made some new friends, and hardly stopped laughing. I told her I'd never seen her laugh and smile so much, and I'm glad I could help her do that. She looked so happy and that made me happy. I still laugh thinking about all our inside jokes, comments, looks, and everything else. It was one of the best weeks of my life, hands down.

Now, when I got back to Cincinnati this time, something felt weird. For some reason, it didn't feel like home. I got a little freaked out by this, since for the last two and a half years, it has. I talked to my parents and my Chicago best friend and they all had a lot of good stuff to say, but what really stuck out to me is what my friend said. I told him that I just wasn't sure if this is where I'm supposed to be. I didn't feel right and something felt off. He texted me back and said "maybe you aren't there for you anymore" which kind of confused me. He explained that maybe I'm here to be a part of someone else's life. Maybe I'm not the one who needs to grow, but maybe someone needs me in their life, kind of like I needed him in my life. Had he graduated on time or only done a 4 year major, I never would have gotten so close to him, or maybe even known him. It's crazy to think about. And he had a point. Who knows why I'm still here? But I am, and I have one year left. So let's hope I can make it good, ha. Alright, I have a migraine and it's a quarter after three in the morning, so I'm done for tonight.

Later,
T

Maybe if I Was More Like Her?

I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by people, family and friends who love me. But I'm still lonely. And it's because I am alone. I'm not alone in the world or anything, but I'm alone in the relationship sense. And it's so hard to describe it, because I really don't want to rush into a relationship just to be in a relationship. But I'm an adult, I've grown up, I've had my fair share of upsets and heartbreaks, and I'm just ready to settle down. I want to find someone that I can be with for an extended period of time, not just a few-month fling. But I'm so stuck. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to change things. And I'm so sick and tired of everyone telling me to be patient and to wait. Honestly, you're not in my position, so just stop. It has been hitting me even harder over the last few weeks: I'm graduating next year. And I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm so scared of the future. Where am I going to live? Who am I going to live with? How will I pay my bills? Will I go to grad school? And if I do, where will I go? I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave my friends or the school I love so much. I hate that most of my friends won't graduate for at lease another year, if not more, after me. And I'll be in the real world. It would be really nice to have someone beside me during the transition.

Sadly, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably just going to live the rest of my life single. There's clearly something wrong with me that inhibits me from being able to work in relationships. And I think the worst part is that I thought I had that guy once. I thought he would be different, that he would treat me like I always imagined a boyfriend would. And for a month, I was happier than I've been in a couple years. Then everything changed. And I still don't know why. I'm still so confused and hurt by the situation, but I don't want to confront it. I'm not confrontational, as surprising as that might be. I'm a wuss, and I don't want to hear the things I think would be said. I've never been so confused and lost, and I don't know how to fix it.

I'm just talking myself in circles now. I wish I could put all my emotions and feelings into words. I think I need an outlet. But I can't find the right ones. Ugh. Oh well, I guess this will do for now.

T


More Like Her by Miranda Lambert

She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should've been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple, little way

Realizations

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

Breathe by Anna Nalick

So after my nice, warm, long shower tonight, I fully intended to go straight to bed. Of course, the internet tempted me and here I am, an hour later, still on my computer. But some things sparked some thoughts in my head as I sat here.

I'm so blessed with the friends that I have. They are wonderful, beautiful, and amazing people. And I take them for granted. The song I posted above reminds me of what my best friend would tell me..ok, what she DOES tell me..when I call her. Breathe, it will be okay. You're allowed to whine, you're allowed to say things suck, but at some point you need to suck it up and you can overcome this. After the past year, I don't know where I would be without my best friends. They have held me together, literally and figuratively, when I was coming apart at my mental, physical, and emotional seams. That being said, I can be so blind. Blind, and selfish. It's not something I do consciously, but I realize it later and I feel like an idiot. How could I have missed so much? I feel like a terrible friend. And it sucks. I hate seeing my friends down, especially if I'm part of the reason. There's so much I need to fix. But I'm going to try. For now, I guess I just apologize to everyone for how much I've screwed up. I'm so sorry. :(

I'm working on finding the way to figure some stuff in my life out right now that will be the easiest. The easiest, not for me, but for the people around me. So many other people and things are affected by the decisions I make, and I'm tired of messing up. So I'm really thinking hard and praying about my next moves. I feel like I'm playing chess, and I'm risking it all to try and go for the checkmate. Unfortunately, I've always sucked at chess. I always lost the pawns because the horses and towers were my favorites. (Yeah, knights and rooks, whatever. I like horses and towers better.) This time, I'm gonna get the checkmate. And I'm gonna have my pawns and my horses and my towers. Maybe it's impossible, but that's a wizard's chess! (10 points if you get that reference. Yeah, I have ADD.)

Spring Break 2010. It's going to rock faces. I will make this happen if it's the last thing I do. I need this. She needs this. We're all in this together. (10 more points if you get that reference. 20 if you will shoot me for making it.) But seriously, I'm beyond excited. SB10, Destin, Florida, here we come!

It's time to make some changes. I can do this. I have a support system. I have the desire and the tools to do it. It's not just for me, it's for all the people who have loved me unconditionally through my selfish behavior, my mood swings, my obliviousness, my mistakes, my tears, my anger, my life. They deserve this. I love you guys.

Ready for changing and starving for truth (10 more points),

T

Too Much on My Mind

"And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face. Still it's hard to find faith."

This is so true. I have so many wonderful people around me and I truly have a good life and I have been learning how to appreciate all these things so much better over the last couple of years. But I still find myself dwelling on the negatives. I just can't seem to win. If it's not one thing, it's another. As much good as there is in my life, there is also a lot of stuff that really sucks. But whatever. I guess that's life, and I'll have to figure out how to deal with it somehow.

This weekend was interesting. My head and my heart are so messed up right now. I'm so confused as to what, and who, I want and I'm not sure how to say the things that I think I need to say, to ask the questions I think I need to ask. But I don't even know if I should say and ask those things. I hold onto things, I'm a sentimental person. I try to move on and to stop having feelings for someone, then they rush back into my life and all those feelings come flooding back. It sucks. Especially if I think I've moved on and it turns out that I haven't. I don't want to hurt anybody because I know how that feels, all too well. But I just don't know what else to do.

Over the last few weeks I've definitely reconnected with a male friend that I used to be extremely close with. We never actually grew apart, but things were different with us for a while, and we are finally 100% back to being pretty much best friends, and I'm so glad to have that guy back. We just get each other. We have the same sense of humor but we both know when to check it and get stuff done. I love it when he makes jokes, especially about other girls, and I start laughing, which just makes him laugh even harder. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, we were sitting on an armchair together, his head laying on my shoulder and my foot propped up on his knee, and we were just there. Just chill. Just friends, and nothing more. It felt so good to have my good friend back. But apparently us being close is a big deal to everyone else. No one really understands our friendship, for some reason. Almost all of our friends are mutual friends and they don't like it or they don't get it or something. I fail to see why it's anybody else's business, but these same people are nosy gossips who have to know everyone else's business all the time, so I'm not too surprised. But it's still annoying. He and I are friends, just friends, and we both get that, we are both fine with it, we both enjoy each other's company. So everyone else can shove it.

I really miss my best friend. It's so hard to cope with life without her being here. And I'm trying so hard to balance trying to keep her involved with everything here without making it seem like I'm making her feel that she's missing out. Life would be so much easier this quarter if she was here for me to talk to and to see everything for herself. Ugh.

I'm homesick. I miss my parents, I miss my dog, I miss the stress-free life. I miss my best friends. I'm just ready for some things to work themselves out, once and for all. I want to know all the answers, but I'm tired of trying to figure out which questions to ask and how to ask them. I'm so confused and I just want some things to go right for once. Here's to hoping. I'm off to bed, too much on my mind.

T

Last Place..Again

So tonight I walked home by myself. For the second time in my college career, for the second time this year so far, I walked myself home, alone. And both times I was with male friends who probably should have walked with me. I honestly thought more highly of my friends. But no, I was left to walk alone, no one to make sure I got home safe, no one to make sure nothing happened to me. What's even worse about both of these situations? The guys in both situations didn't even bother to text me or call me to make sure I made it home safe. Not only did they not walk with me, or even offer, but didn't care enough to send a quick text asking if I was okay.

I'm so sick of this. Even if these guys weren't two of my best friends, as the gentlemen that I thought they were they should have, at the very least, offered to walk me home. In fact, they should have insisted on it. What guy lets a girl walk home alone? The first time I was left to walk alone, in the rain at 2 a.m. because a guy wanted to "show me it was over." Mission accomplished, jerk. Now granted, he has since been forgiven and we are still good friends, but that doesn't make the move any less of a jerk move. Tonight, I was ditched (for the second night in a row) by a close guy friend. Tonight, I was ditched for an ugly, gap-toothed, leggings-as-pants wearing slut with an even uglier bushy-eyebrowed, shorts and stilettos-wearing (oh hey, by the way, it's January..why are you wearing SHORTS?!) twin. So it comes down to this, again: I'm one of your best friends, you claim you care about me, you claim you want the best for me. But as soon as some easy girl who will give you some comes along, I'm just some girl you know. And even though I have no interest in you romantically, it sucks being shunted aside and watching you slum around with some skank. You can do better, and I want you to. Because, guess what? I actually care about you. I don't just say it, I mean it. Unlike you.

I don't really know what's going on right now with the men in my life. I've always been able to rely on them, but lately they are letting me down. I don't feel safe with them anymore and I'm really losing respect for them. It really sucks. Whatever. It's your life, do what you will. But don't expect me to sit around and watch you screw up. I'm done trying and I'm done caring until the friendship is reciprocated. When you decide to man up and treat me like I deserve to be treated as your friend, then we'll talk. Until then, please just go away. Thanks.

Done,
T

Second Place

I love having guy friends. My boys are my best friends. But I'm really getting tired of "not counting" and always coming in second place behind girls who will make out with them and be whores. Just because I'm not an idiot, I can take care of myself, etc. etc., I don't get to count? Well that's bullshit. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I have a secret crush on one of my guy friends, I don't want to "count" for them, but I just feel like they take advantage of the fact that I'm a girl but I'm not like the rest of them. And what makes it worse, they only go for those girls that, in their minds, do count. If all you do is whine about girls like that, why do you keep picking them? It's crap and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of being the backup plan or the one that gets cast aside when something else comes up. I've come to expect the rejection and the last minute ditch. I'm used to it. Oh, someone else needs to be walked home? Sure, I don't care. I'm not one of your best friends, I won't care if you leave me by myself. No, that's fine by me. I just don't matter and I'm so tired of it. I DO matter.

I just want to be appreciated for who I am. I AM a girl. I want to be complimented when I look nice, I want to be treated with respect. And just because I'm not gonna get offended if you make a joke or because I can drive a car just as well as you or because I don't make out with different guys every weekend doesn't mean I'm not still a girl. You say you don't want me to be those girls, but yet you treat me like the second side dish. Oh, my entree comes with two sides? In that guess, I guess I'll take the mashed potatoes too. I don't want to be the damn mashed potatoes anymore. Just because I'm there and I'm convenient doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt when you leave me or ditch me. Our friendship means more to ME than that, but obviously it doesn't mean more to you.

I'm so done. The guys I want are the ones that don't want me. The ones I just can't date are the ones who do. I hate this.

T